trying to head this off at the pass

I really want to be more zen, and instead I am stressing and lame.

Maybe it's post-wedding blues? Maybe it's from drinking a lot?

I cried at the ceremony when (the insanely gorgeous) Simon Tetelbaum started things off with the kindest words ever spoken. I cried when Mr. Gus spoke up and said that he and and his wife "give this woman away".




I shed a tear when John and Laurie danced their first dance, and then later on, I cried when I accidentally texted Tom my ex, when I had intended to text Helen. That was actually really really not good. I was fairly drunk by then, being who knows how many glasses in to John's rad punch and a few glasses of champagne and white wine as well. But it was mostly happy crying.

This is the level of merriment we are talking about: There was blood on the dancefloor at one point (before anyone had dropped a champagne glass), and we were just like "everyone ok?? alright, party on!".

By 3 am there were tuxedo shirts and dresses strewn here and there all over the deck. Folks hit the hot tub, pool, and The Gulf of Mexico armed with nothing but full bottles and gallon size zip-lock baggies of leftover gourmet hors d'oeuvres.

Laurie (bride), James Wight (friend from the groom's side), and I closed the party out around 5 am on Sunday morning. We were talking art and philosophy until we finally fell asleep in the living room (minus Laurie, lol) of this incredible beach house... however I was awoken twice between then and 8 am.

The second time it actually involved me. I just had to go move my car a few feet so someone could get out. That should be really simple (right??), and grabbed my keys, and dashed out barefooted, and still in my sexy floor length black dress.

NOTE: I left the gate of the beach house ajar so that I could get back in and go back to sleep as soon as I was done. Sleep deprived, yes. Stupid, no.

And then, while I was in my car, someone else came out and slammed the gate shut. Seriously. I thought about climbing over the (sharp metal) gate, except I was in the gown and had no underwear on (long story,but not what you think). So I had to go on a long walk to find a condo building that had a beach access gate unlocked. At 8 am. In a black floorlength gown.

Back to the couch. I wanted to sleep but then it was just a lost cause.

We found one person in a house of 20 occupants who had 4 Advil (worth their weight in GOLD) and went out for a stylish post wedding breakfast. All the while, I had on my bravest face, but inside I was slowly melting down.

Now, a whole day out (is that all?? geez) and I am marginally better.

I have to go pack, though. I'm leaving, on a jet plane, for another damn wedding.

you can take the Trig outta Tuesday, but you can't take the cosine curve outta me

So, no class tonight, but I did sit down this morning to draw myself a little wave function. See, I have this little proverb that I love:

What happens once will never happen again. But what happens twice will surely happen a third time.

You already know that everything, EVERYTHING, is made of particles and particles are really just wavering energy. All that we could ever perceive and all that we can ever measure is made of waves of energy; literally nothing is solid.

And, see, if you give a wave function the vertical line test, you can't cross it more than once. But if you follow it's domain, it encompasses all. Always. Twice, and three times.

adventure day

I'm one $500 check away from being in sleep deprivation experiment

Man oh man, Conner woke up about twenty times last night carrying on about everything from itchy pajamas to thirst to having kicked the covers off to BEING TIRED. Who WAKES UP to complain about being freakin tired?

And of course, none of the waking started before I fell asleep, only after. And I went to bed late as it was, on top of having missed lots of sleep this weekend anyways.


So, I'm at work and exausted and blogging unashamedly. Not even TRYING to conceal it. That's how tired and "don't give a damn" I'm feeling today.


On the upside, I have some glee today. We were celebrating Helen's birthday last night, so my guy came over and a couple of my friends were able to meet him. And not only was he his usual charming, polite, and attractive self, he even brought Helen the perfect gift; a book by Hunter S. Thompson that she didn't have yet.

Then, in our goodnight embrace my ankle ended up wrapped on one of his legs, and his other foot ended up twining around my leg. We chuckled to each other, and commented on how nicely we were impersonating those Indian statues of embracing deities.

It took focus to continue to hold the complicated balancing posture and achieve that pure-being state, but the meditation we shared for a minute or so like that was really nice.

seems like all good stories start with two monks that went walking

How timely that we're covering Buddhism in my World Religions class; I've been needing to reaffirm my philosophies lately. Yes, I know suffering is caused by desire. I know that is the nature of living, and I accept it, but I still haven't perfected the Middle Way, between self denial and self indulgence. This whole "my car is DEAD" thing could have bothered me more, but I barely broke a sweat. I just accept it as an event, a chance to ride my bike more, walk more, and spend more time at home organizing and whatnot. It's not too hard for me to let go of material things I already have when the time comes, but it has taken practice (which was painful at the time). It all just disintegrates, anyways. It's pure physics.

The buying of a new car, however, is fraught with potential-anguish-pitfalls. Desire leads to suffering. Maybe that sad feeling I have inside when I think about the gorgeous Acura that I saw on craigslist and decided was MEANT FOR ME (but sold while I was on my way over to test drive it) is a good example of this; that car carries with it a certain amount of status, that I now feel like I can't attain. I desired that particular car and I am disappointed. That sadness manifested itself through a snowball of childish, covetous thoughts and behaviors; wanting to feel important, wanting to take Helen for a ride in my mom's car before returning it (to impress?), stopping impulsively for ice cream, checking my phone a million times to see if I got a reply to a certain text message. The end feeling to all of this was depression! At least I saw it coming.

Aside from shiny cars, only personal-life stuff is freaking me out right now. I can't help but fear that Bill isn't in fact being genuine about how he feels, because that's apparently what Brian was up to. And Tom.

But a new acquaintance told me a cool story of two monks who went walking, and it really helped. Moral of the story: let it go, and keep walking.

Two traveling monks reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the monks hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.

As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"

"Brother," the second monk replied, "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."

for once, I'm advocating playing by the rules in science AND dating ;-)

I've had two epiphanies about doing things the "right way". I know I usually mock rigid-rule-followers as bleating sheep, but today, I feel... different.



So, today, in lab, I was irritated to no end by the BAD FORM I saw all around me.

I mean, really. WHO wears flip flips to lab? Rule no. 1, right?

Also, when you have toxic stuff in slippery little glass containers and you are manuvering in a crowded space, you have to behave a certain way. In restaurant work, to prevent burns and wasted food/time, you call out "I'm behind you" or "coming through" or something like that. Common sense.

Don't be mean and leave a huge mess for the lab tech assistants. Come on. Wash your own stuff. Even in high school we washed all our own glassware.

And lastly, while this one is just ettiquette, I still think it's important; don't go to a station where there's stuff everyone needs to use, and cozy up to it like it's your personal science experiment. Get you stuff and go back to your work station (please!).

And, while we've all had fun tracking my various missteps and faux pas in dating, I have to break it to you; an era may have ended. But before I elaborate, a trip down memory lane perhaps?

Lessons I've learned:

1) If your best friend/roommate says "sure, I'll introduce you, but he's a little clingy/crazy/difficult/maniacal" don't even bother with a few first dates, because he'll be calling you vicious names as soon as you tell him that moving to South America together is not actually on the agenda.


2) Don't hook up with anyone you work with, or for that matter, the son of the owner of your workplace.

3) Same goes for next door neighbors, it gets tricky.

4) Substance abusers = complicated times at best, severely twisted reality at worst.

5) If you have that feeling that you genuinely like someone, don't (for goodness sakes) rush into, well, everything. Draw it out.

6) Physical relations (no matter how hot, steamy, and spontaneous) with no emotional quotient don't make for skipping-down-the-sidewalk mornings. Sharing thoughts and holding hands is sorely underrated.


Anyways, I'm proud of myself for taking things slow right now. I'm enjoying the scenery and whatnot. :-)

Remember when I asked

"How long will it take to get over the break up?"

Apparently just about 2 months. Not that I don't still think about Tom, about what went wrong, "why?", etc... I do think about that stuff sometimes, but it's not first in the morning, and last at night, anymore.

The stuff he gave me is still here. I still think the japanese fishing hat is the coolest thing on our hat-stand. The jewelry he gave me is still some of my favorite stuff; the texts, the most romantic ever.

I'm just no longer feeling like he was the right person for me. It's sort of a relaxed kind of dissapointment now.

Just thought I should share, since SO many of my friends helped to hold me together when I was falling apart. And now, it's probably time to get MY life back on track (school, work, etc); Tom seriously derailed me for a while, with all that love nonsense.

And, remember when my marriage split up and, even though I did the dumping, I felt so terribly betrayed, broken, and alone? Ah, memories. But, several months later, that pain also passed.

I think that's the story of that single koi fish shoulder tattoo (who currently seems to be trapped in some sort of middle ground between swimming upstream and blowing in the wind). Resisting lonliness is resisting one's most natural and most effortless state of being, the Osho masters might say.

Then, why is it that I feel like I am at my ABSOLUTE best when I can complement someone's uniqueness? When my skills and qualities can be appreciated and someone else's qualities can be appreciated by me? That's where strong friendships come into play, and help to fill that void, somewhat...

Except sex w/ friends is just WIERD sometimes.

Being married spoiled me!