questioning him, myself, and everything

Ok, remember when I said I was done blogging about dating... uh yeah. so much for that.

So- the story is that for the past 8 weeks I've been dating this great guy, who creepily fills a lot of the requirements I set out over the past few years, which after all my failures, I'd tack on to the drawing board that I kept on returning to.

I said I wanted to date someone who's an anthrop, someone who's smarter, faster, stronger than me, someone who likes -no- who LOVES coffee, and who has something to say. Someone agnostic, like I am, but who believes in a non-anthropomorphized G-d, when all is said and done.

He should think I'm absolutely marvelous, he should be non-plussed by the fact that I have children, he should be willing to disagree with me on some things and should be ethical and love outdoor places.

He also happens, in real life, to be a Republican, to like Equal in his iced tea (baffles me entirely), to keep his bedroom messy, and to hunt large game. And I don't even know if that's the proper usage of the phrase "large game".


And I've been happy, being appreciated and pursued. The object of my affection enthusiastically treks across campus to see me for the 5 minutes our midday schedules allow and puts his arm around me protectively in public and texts just to say nice things sometimes.

But I'm suddenly afraid, too. I'm afraid that I'm un-please-able. I'm afraid that I will sabotage things because I am crazy or I don't want to be happy or something ridiculous.

I'm worried that I'm slower, weaker, and stupider or that I'm not willing to argue enough (good naturedly, of course), or well enough, on matters of science and politics.
And I'm terribly worried that, like B, he's rejecting the concept of defining the relationship because I'm just not nearly good enough. Don't worry, my LOGICAL side knows that if that's what he thinks, well then good riddance, and so on and so forth, but my emotional side wants to know if I'll ever come back from that awful twist of reality.


But let me defend my guy, and the state of things as they stand right now before you think he's anything like B!!

First of all, he's the first to say that you don't have to SAY "now we're bf/gf and we're not dating anyone else" because if it's so, it's so, no matter what you call it. And according to him, dating a person for a couple of months defines the relationship for you. Especially so if you wake up together regularly on weekends.

He is entirely opposed to concept of "the talk" that defines things between men and women yet we've talked about "the talk" and we've talked about the relationship (without crossing over into that which offends his sensibilities LOL!) and about what we like about all of this between us and about previous relationships that didn't go so well.

But my silent, internal counter to that is that a woman is sort of disrespected when she is "with" a man and she's not his "girlfriend". And do I want to be thought less of by everyone? Does he want me to be thought less of? For everyone to assume that I'm just NOT GOOD ENOUGH? Of course not.

But that assumption, for several reasons, is tied to legitimizing sex, and we're not having it, so... yeah.

I know.

...

We're crazy about each other and love falling asleep together and waking up together, but we're "waiting".

This might seem crazy, or right, to you. It seems like both to me, somehow.



But I'd love to know what you think about people and definitions and semantics in relationships. And about the waiting!

the achy breaky feeling

Oh my gosh, I'm serious, I just want to stick my fingers into my thoracic cavity and put my cartilage and/or rib back where it needs to be!

I went ice skating late last Saturday night with Brennan (to break up the monotony of paper-writing all day and night) and the Zamboni wasn't run at all for some reason. We agree that the ice was choppier than it should have been and I'm not just a total klutz. Seriously, I'm not actually bad on skates.

Anyways. I played it cool, toughed it out. It hurt a lot but we skated for another hour before I had to call it a night.

Sunday morning I woke up to the sound of myself screaming (yes, they were obscenities, I am ashamed) and then dosed myself with ibuprofen and got ready for church/garden club fundraising.

The fundraiser went well! Very exciting, can't wait to break ground and get dirty.

And Helen and I are going to Tally for the holiday to see Poppa and Lolita, yay.

Also, Conner was just in a Thanksgiving show and he was basically the STAR of the show. Well, he had one line to memorize- They met the natives, and shook their hands!- but only 4 kids in the whole PreK were asked to memorize a line. I am so proud.

And Coral is just blossoming. Ever-lovely and precious and working really hard on bringing up her reading/writing grades.

AND I lived through the hardest week of school ever :) and I have all A's.

And now I'm dating the cutest boy ever. Go me!

I could tell you a LOT about teeth right now, if you wanted me too

We just finished up a fun section in Bio Anthropology- living humans, living primates, and the first 50 my of primate evolution. This included some of my favorite topics! Woohoo. Birth processes in primates, diet/nutrition, and phylogenies. I thought anatomical science was a weakness of mine, but I flew through those portions of lab.

The semester's going pretty good. I am at a point now where the pace is alternating between too much and easy. Now it's paper writing time, SERIOUSLY. I am falling WAAAAY behind on my papers.

Oh, but what was I saying? Oh yeah, eating/breathing/sleeping ANT. Things got sort of strange when I was wandering around holding my notebooks and murmuring things like "Is it Y-5 or Plus-5?" and living on loads of coffee, (mostly) unprocessed food, and promises to pay the piper.

When things get crazy I remind myself that it's all for a purpose.

But I don't want to get lost in the shuffle of bilophodont molars and plesiadapids and all the other great stuff. I'm still here. I am in here. (sorry, a Hal Incandenza moment, COULD NOT help myself)


One of my best friends, Michelle, had a baby girl last week- Lorelei Maestas.
I can't wait to see her- need to search airfare asap.

My friend Teresa is moving to CA. I'm missing her already, and jealous, and wistful, and optimistic.

Cora lost her first upper incisor. My baby is honestly growing up.

Amy and I are still talking gardens, and honestly, she's doing a lot more gardening than I. I miss it, but those freakin squirrels cut me to the quick with my watermelons and now I'm afraid to commit! I started easing back in by resuming my compost habits last week, but I really have a gripe about leaves in there. This might be the downside to low tech composting. Are the decomposing oak leaves bad? neutral? ok? HELP!!!

But regardless of my compost woes, I'm excited about the community organic garden, and our first event. More on that later ;)

a personal victory, ordinary run of the mill moments of clarity, & a startling IJ revelatory moment

This morning, I jumped out of bed (ok, what really happened was that I cheerily responded "Hello!" to a text that woke me up instead of the more typical "argh. do I know you?" See why for me that constitutes jumping out of bed?)ready to face my day and head to the beach.

I put on my bathing suit and checked my midrange sideways view in the small mirror of my jewelery box... and... kinda flattish tummy area. I mean, not flat flat. Not like before kids. Not like Matt V's prescribed "rock star lean abs" but people- in the past few weeks alone I have enjoyed cake and milk, several pints of beer and a hot dog, a sushi feast, more beer, ice cream with Reese's peanut butter cups smashed in for good measure, and arepas with cheese. [I also have had countless meals made solely of vegetable matter and have stopped using cream/sugar. I've worked pretty hard, in spite of the stuff I listed above (hitting the gym, riding my bike, and so on), so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, it was just a startling moment.]

In that tiny little mirror, for about an hour, I just didn't look completely pregnant. And then I had an apple for breakfast.


Also- moment of clarity for me: I don't know how to flirt anymore. Uhhh. Ok, now what? Dang.


Thirdly, for the IJ readers out there: I read a DFW quote yesterday re: the use of endnotes vs footnotes. He and his editor needed a way to shorten the original draft of the book so they hit upon the idea of weeding out some information into notes. The editor thought it would be more reader-friendly to use footnotes instead of endnotes but DFW said that the use of endnotes "cutely mimics some of the story’s thematic concerns"...

In case you don't follow, what happens when you flip to the back and then back to your page and then back to the back and then back to your page? What are you reminded of? (Answer is a good tennis rally)

Then I was ruminating on how the whole narrative seems to be a tennis rally of sorts, bouncing balls off of different topics and they keep on coming with a sick speed. And then, like that, I knew what those orbs are in the book, marking various sections... And it was so obvious (not the moon or the sun or simply just a pretty, lightly shaded circle). They are tennis balls, flying through the book. Fwap. fwap. fwap. fwap.

the official colors of victory: range road perrywinkle and herculean green

Last night was pretty monumental. I had my trig exam, and I knew I'd gotten an A on it. I did my biology final. I passed my (completely lame) Computer Competency test.

After the exam, I trembled and spoke quickly, caffeinated out of my mind. Helen picked me up and we went to band practice, where I had a little bit of a freak out in my head. I couldn't help but feel the swell and break of the waves.

Adrenaline coursed through me, as I thought about all of those nights that were spent pouring over my books. The cramps I've gotten in my hands and neck, from note-taking or working on papers. I have cried under pressure, begged for drugs to help me get through it, and shook with relief each time a semester ended.

And last night, the sky and the leaves against it seemed to be as jubilant as I.

Maybe this is a miracle... even all the rough patches, the dropped courses, and the occasional bad grades... I am not only graduating, but WITH HONORS. The shock is still with me.

well, there goes my anonymity!! jk

No seriously, I couldn't have been more delighted to get a facebook friend req from Billy just now. Too cute.

I happened to log in for a quick minute and thought, "Gee? A friend request? From whom????"

And it was a happy surprise.


But, do I need to go back and delete anything I've posted? Hmmm.

so... I hung out with the bf's twin sis last night

And it was great :-) She and her husband were just as cool as Bill had said (no, I take that back- they were even better). Their precious little cub was sleeping, even while we rocked out with some karaoke game for PlayStation, but she and I exchanged contact info and plan on getting the kids together sometime soon. And before we left there, plans were made to hangout with his parents sometime soon. HE WANTS ME TO MEET HIS PARENTS ? It was actually going to be today, but instead due to the drizzly cold weather, we dozed late into the day and are going to do it some other time.


It's ironic, considering that I had been thinking that maybe I had misunderstood how he felt about us, even though we've already 'defined the relationship' and both said that it's NOT just a casual thing, etc.

Well, Friday night, hanging out with Mike (the mutual friend who introduced us, but that I have a little bit of a casual history with) kind of set the stage for my paranoia. He asked what was new with me, and I gave the rundown; school and work are good, the kiddos are good, and things are good with 'Billy and I'... etc.

And then HE SAID: Oh, I didn't know you guys are dating! You guys are really a couple?

a few minutes later: Funny, Billy never mentioned that to me...

and then: Are you guys exclusive? Are you sure?

I brushed it off as nothing, and we had a fun night regardless, but later it crept up on me. Are we exclusive? Is he serious about me? Am I sure? I thought so, but Mike had gotten me all paranoid!

And then, yesterday, right in the midst of me pouring out these saaaaad, saaaad thoughts to Helen, Bill called and said he wanted me to meet his sister.

So there we are, having a crazy time at karaoke night, and a semi-alone moment presented itself for me to mention the stuff that Mike had brought up, and Billy suddenly grabbed me in this full-body-possibly-verging-on-humping-my-leg kind of hug and said "HELL YES, WE'RE EXCLUSIVE!! (then, with silly singing) You're my girl..." followed by some dangerously wonderful looks.

my favorite taoist proverb in action?

I started two more little pots of seedlings last night, carrots and more watermelons. The kids and I have a gardening afternoon planned with Amy and Avery for Friday. We'll be bringing over our little seedlings (which are SO ready to go into the ground), and some compost and perhaps coming home with some ferns.




Last night, as I was clearing dinner from the table and herding children upstairs to brush teeth, Bill called (sorry, yes, you are going to be getting updates for a little while like this, until the shock wears off). We made some small talk, I got the funniest compliment I have in a while- "Your brain is a really nice brain..." - and then he asked me what I planned on doing on Saturday.

Well, I had planned on asking him that! I confessed that I had something really dorky going on, and I wanted to see if he wanted to join us. Inflatable bouncy place. Yes, the kind for children. Conner got an invitation from a preschool classmate, and we were going to use it on Saturday, and I always seem to be the only grown up in there, jumping. I figured, worst case scenario, he'd laugh at me, best case scenario, I wouldn't be the only grown up jumping in the inflatables. He laughed a little and said yes, absolutely, sounds like fun actually. And then invited me to one of his best friends' houses with him, too. (So, to clarify... does this mean he's NOT embarrassed to be seen with me??)



Also, stay tuned for more info on THE REALLY REALLY FREE MARKET a local event that is going to knock your plebeian socks off. Well, it will if you like the idea of trading and bartering for goods instead of buying with money... and a world that is less dependent on gorging itself at Capitalism's groaning buffet table of economic splendors.

oh, my aching, lonely car...

WHERE DOES this story start?

Well, I guess it sort of starts a year and a half ago, when my zany friend from our high school academic team introduced me to another zany friend of his. Whom I now adore. :D

There's not much story in the interim; I delivered pizza for a while and ran my poor Saturn into the ground with that, and lots of other driving, for the sake of socializing and running errands, etc. I also spent some of the past loving people who were really hurtful and also putting a lot of energy into all sorts of projects and flying from place to place.

Recently, my car did whimper some, and I thought, "Gee, I'll be taking her in to the mechanics in the next couple of weeks, for sure, to check this out..."

I the meanwhile, Billy and I had started talking about hanging out some time about 6 months ago, but we hadn't spent any alone time together until more recently. True to form, I've spent the better part of two weeks seriously doubting his interest in me, even though the deep stares and holding-each-other-close romance had started to pick up some steam. I mean, pretty much all 25 year old guys know how to effect that emotion, right? I figured he was just acting that way, but who knows why?

Anyways, Friday night he sent a little <3 in a text, and then called and told me he was on foot, and coming to see me, if that was ok. I laughed for a while and then realized he was seriously walking from Indian Rocks Beach TO MY HOUSE IN CLEARWATER (and in flip flops, at that).

I protested as I laughed at the absurdity of it, but he said it was a way of showing me that he wanted to see me. And I deduced that he was a little bitty bit drunk. But, I acquiesced to the notion. Then I said I'd go meet him halfway (with my car, lol, not on foot). We were both feeling giddy about curling up under the covers and whiling away the wee hours to music.

I got as far as the Walmart on Missouri (that's about 2 miles from my house, for you out of towners), when I had to coast into the parking lot, cursing myself for getting out of my pj's and trying to go on this silly drive to the beach. I tried giving it oil and antifreeze, but the problem is clearly the transmission (or a cracked block... actually, that's a good possibility at this point).

So, Bill calls me right about then, and hearing my plight, immediately turns round, walks home, hops in his car, and comes to pick me up. I started to really worry after he said he was coming to get me, because he had been drinking earlier that night, but his mind was made up and that was that. I was elated when he pulled in and I knew that nothing awful happened to him. Funny, being completely car-less didn't seem even remotely important at the time.

Thankfully, somebody has AAA, and I got a free tow this afternoon to a mechanic in Clearwater. And about a hundred hugs and kisses.

This Valentine's Day was brought to you by: Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, AAA, vegetable and feta omelettes, and youthful optimism.