Tally

We're heading to visit Helen's parents for Thanksgiving. Should be fun... I'm taking Clean (and vegan) peanut butter truffles.

Also, it's grey out and misery has settled into this invalids poor bones. Yes, I'm being over dramatic. Whatever! I'm so over this.

running away from home will do a lot for you

Home is always more appealing when you've been away.

Do you remember when I had a very difficult spring and on a whim I bought airplane tickets to South America. I had no idea what I was getting into, I just needed to get away. And once there, I realized that it was not going to be easy and that I love the US of A and that I really just need to belong.

Anyways, I guess things are ok here in P'cola. Except I'm lonely. And all the Irish music and beer in the world doesn't help much. I still want to belong.

But here's a rundown of what we've been up to:

Day 1

GIS work with the Total Machine. It's a piece of computerized surveying equipment, and using it involves lot's of walking in the sun, lot's of recalibrating, and lot's of holding tree branches out of the way waiting for someone to yell across to you...

... ...

"GOT IT!!"

Then my team got to work on our unit (aka tidy rectangular hole in the ground). This is trowel and shovel work. There was a lot of measurement going on, photo clearing (getting the unit ready for the pics that happen at each level of excavation), and so on.

Day 2

A lot like that but with a very heavy rain which sent us home. I found some stuff, too, in the screening/clearing process. :D

I can write a helluva self promoting email

Just applied (by email) for an administrative assistant type job which I actually think I would find enjoyable and fulfilling. And it's in Clearwater, too.

And I'm qualified and "come highly recommended!" Oh crap. I hope I spelled "recommended" correctly in the email...

I don't know if you read those links

The one's I have posted to the right? Well, one of my friends wrote a post late last night that helped me somewhat today. OK granted I am terribly low today, but it helped by bringing me back from extreme otherworldly dark lowness to a more corporeal ordinary broken-life low which seems like an improvement, except this for some reason hurts more.

For the record, nothing awful is going on in my life, besides being so low- in fact I had a killer day yesterday all around; I had a nice breakfast, played tennis with my mom, went out for tea with her, hung out w/ John in the afternoon, watched a funny movie/drank wine with Helen, and enjoyed a really good homemade soup. I even have a an exciting job prospect on the horizon.


Anyways, B's post about camping/trail riding says that sure there are unexpected miserable parts (forgotten gear, inclement weather, mosquitoes), but they help to create the stories you'll tell your friends later, when you come back. And he says life is like that.


So here's to the uncomfortable, unplanned, undesirable, mosquito bite ridden, miserably low days.

the kind of blog post I said I'd never write

So, I've been absent from my blog. Part of it, I guess is that I've been using twitter, which makes me feel lazzzzy for large-scale blogging.

And I'm in a bit of a funk. This is the very tail end of day 4 (really?) of an all produce diet I'm trying. It's possibly the ease-in-phase for a fast (a la cousin Alicia), but it's possible that I'll just go back to my normal healthy-ish ways and give up the extremity soon.

It's hard to say. I'm having a hard time remembering WHY I started down this path some of the time, and other moments it's fine. No extreme hunger yet. Just some moping over the unnecessarily odoriferous homemade blueberry pie in my fridge that I can't even sniff at lest I devour it, and the containers of fresh baked brownie that are stored behind cabinet doors now, because they mocked me all fucking afternoon. Thanks for bringing those brownies by, Sam.

So instead of my normal fare (lots of protein, whole grains, veggies, supplemented by plenty of junk like bagels, brownies, and chicken wings), I am eating produce. Only produce.

I started off doing just raw stuff but a certain craving hit and I needed hot veggies, so I went ahead and changed the parameters for myself.

And, so far so good. I guess. I mean, I guess the GOAL is to deconstruct reality and rebuild it. I have to unravel in order to reravel, etc etc so I guess going nuts is the desired effect?? I want to "clear my mind" and spend this time NOT eating "figuring myself out". Oh yeah, and resetting my palate.


And I'm not just off meat/diary (and in the next couple of days, all food in general)... I'm off men for a good while too. I think I need to figure a lot of things out.

the feminists lied to me

There's been a recent surge of affirmative action in family courts leading to fathers being given custody and support more frequently, but at the same time, traditional values are still holding sway (at least here, in this culture) which relegate mothers to packing lunches, folding underwear, and other intellectually stimulating endeavors instead of furthering their own careers.

I am feeling really irate because the last 4 years of my life were spent doing both- toiling over my books and exams and enriching my children's lives while living on a meager income. All the while, trying to get good enough grades. I've made it to the end of the road.

I'm graduating. And there is no celebration, only deep blackness.


To be hire-able in my field, I'll need my MA. I don't intend to work in FL, so getting my MA here in field ANT makes about as much sense as trying to get a job with Bear Stearns. As a concession to my family's needs, I'm pursuing finishing my BA here in FL, but apparently that's not enough.

I have to choose between doing this AT ALL or NOT AT ALL. And I'm not very happy about that. Harry's calling all the shots right now, and I think he kind of loves that all my work has been for naught.

Should I even bother, or should I just give in to what he wants?
Should I just pack up and leave?
Should I just get a job in a restaurant and have nothing for the rest of my life?

I'd have my kids, sort of. I mean, isn't that how our culture defines a woman, as a mother?

it's no wonder I was suspicious

... my wave was cresting.

Financially, nothing has changed, I'm still going to be ok. In fact, I have enough money to pursue an archaeology field school now, and I really didn't think that would even be an option this summer (because field school is expensive! and I have bills here to pay while I'm gone! and there's airfare to consider!). And so, because of that, I DIDN'T APPLY to any. I applied to paid internships instead. And I have to wait until May to find out if I've gotten in or not, by which point I should already have tickets purchased and all the necessary travel visas acquired if I am going elsewhere.

Several deadlines have passed me by, but there are still a few I'm checking out.

-I called Dr. Kimball about the Mongolian one that I had my little heart set on, but they are all going over their field notes this summer instead of digging.

-Because I messed up the carefully planned academic symphony I had arranged, I don't have a credit for ANT 3031, which means UWF is out, and possible the Yukon field school as well, unless they give me special permission. I am definitely going to ask for it.

But then the conflict is Danny's wedding in Colorado... June 6th. I'm not flying out the Alaska for a couple of days, flying to CO, then back to Alaska a few days later. And I'm not going to just show up to field school 4 days late. NO WAY.

And I'm not missing Danny's wedding. NO WAY.

On top of all of that, Harry called me today to tell me he's applied for a job with U.S. Customs/Border Security in the Virgin Islands. To which I replied something cheerful and optimistic... and then he told me that if he gets it I HAVE TO MOVE THERE?? IF I want to maintain a relationship with the kids? Um, no. I didn't ask HIM to move to P'cola or Tally. I applied. IF I get in, then I have choices to make. My kids belong with me 50% of the time (and the rest of the time, I'll drive several hours to see them), but I think this might end up being more complicated than I expected. The Virgin Islands, really?

This was all followed by some lovely insults.



Oh, and I'm paranoid (yes, again) and thinking that my bf is going to break up with me via never calling me again. Yes, I realize you want to gouge out my eyes when I act like this. I'm SORRY.

Regardless of what I SHOULD be doing right now, I'm reflecting on the big stuff today.

Here's why:

My days have been thematically arranged lately. This could give me the impression that there is something "running the show" and trying to make me notice things.

For example, the other day everything was IN MY SPACE. I'm not kidding, in every way possible, this was the overall theme of the day. I mean, a bug flew into my nose. A tree ant was caught in my dress while I was at work. And Paul WOULD NOT STOP hounding me to go out (alone) with him, even though I've said we could hang out "just as friends".

Yesterday's theme was certainly "mini-emergencies" around the house and in our world.
Nothing extreme, but I did have to put on my thinking cap and go problem solving, which is a wonderful thing to do.



The other thing I was thinking about is love, and if it is always this awful painful experience. On days like today, I feel really inexperienced (in spite of two engagements, one marriage, and a few betrayals). I have no clue what things should feel like.

I look back and remember lots of pain with all the love, but part of me wants to think that if there is any negative component it's "a bad idea". I want to ban pain in conjunction with love.

And needs, I want to ban needing. Part of me is aching because there are things I need to say and I don't know how. It's true, intimacy is a gradual process, and better not rushed, so I've held off from anything too... attached? Which leaves me wondering if I've made an error.

damn it

I am already having a hard time sticking to my resolve on this. After a day stuck inside texting with Krebs and trying to do homework, but not feeling productive, I have low low self thoughts.

Which is dumb because I'm having really good looking day. And I took a vitamin.

I foresee a tough road ahead with this whole compassionate acceptance thing.

TRUE: There is no one I'd rather be in a relationship with than BC.
TRUE: I can change my mind about accepting this missing-in-action thing he does at any time.
TRUE: This only sucks SO much because I'm focusing on it!

I feel like a dork about this

So, Mr. C and I have had some nice heart to heart talks about life/relationships/thoughts/the future/etc.

And, we've seen each other about 5 times as much as Helen and Sam have in the past two weeks.

And, he spent both Fri and Sat night here.

And our time together is very nice, I'd say.


But I'm freaking out right now. It's totally stupid but I can't stop feeling like it was all a misunderstanding, a mistake. I don't know WHY he's interested. It doesn't make sense.


Hey- did you know I married my ex when I was 20 years old, I did it because I was certain (100% certain) that no other man could possibly EVER be attracted to me. So I married him, because I figured "What the hell, this is my only chance."

And when I split from Harry, it was with full knowledge that I might never be with someone again as long as I lived. WHY am I so dramatic about this stuff?? Clearly I have been with people since I left him, and on a purely physical, 'no attachments' level I get it. I understand. All humans have physical needs.

But Mr. C has been talking the (monogamy) talk and walking (very close to) the (L-word) walk. So, why am I afraid that it's over because he's been MIA by phone for just a handful of hours?

Well, we had plans to go to Chris and Sum's for a BBQ this evening and he was all into it. And then he left here to go home and take a shower around noon, intending to come back after which we'd head to party with my friends. Instead I got a text that said I should head over there, and he'd probably meet me there. Then a little while later, another that said "Talking to dad important".

My friend Ryan's gf just broke up with him last night, BY TEXT.

That's not what's happening here, is it?

F*#K!!!

Argh, I'm annoying MYSELF so bad right now, so I figured I should come over and annoy you too.

I should be fine, I should feel f--king fine. EVERYTHING IS F--KING FINE.

There is nothing wrong, but my anxiety is through the roof today. I saw a terrible movie that gave me a stupid panic attack, and I now want to strangle the people who made that movie.

My Day


I rode my bike to work, which is exercise AND got me fresh air and sunlight. Don't I always say those things are key to good mental health? [And just who the hell do I think I am? Dr. Frasier Crane??]

Mr. Short gave me my exam from last week... 104%. Highest score in the class. Again.

After work, I went to the grocery store and the gym. I had a pretty great circuit training workout, and due to the huge mirrors everywhere, I noticed my ass looks HOT from all the cycling I've been doing. Thought about my boyfriend a bit. Think he likes my butt, too.

I oversaw the doing of homework and nightly reading. I got the kids in bed.

I get to borrow my mom's car tomorrow night, which means I am not stranded here on my kid-free night; I can actually GO OUT! Woo!

Ok, so considering my day (not too bad, except that my job is a sham)... what's wrong with my brain? Or the chemistry therein, rather. You know what I mean.

I don't know. Maybe everything IS wrong? Maybe nobody can be trusted and the world is full of scheming liars and wars and bad economies, even though there are probably enough resources for everyone?


THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME AND I THINK I WANT MEDICATION.

we all have our own picket fences

I don't know what picket fences mean to you, but they happen to be one of my psychological phobias. As a kid, I had recurring nightmares (in black and white!) featuring picket fences, and houses that (were made out of ticky-tacky and) all looked just the same. In the dream, I was always walking along, when I realized that the sidewalk was part of a gear, and that each house was a square tooth in a cog of death. It makes my insides roil, even now that I'm 25 and I know suburbia only eats you metaphorically.




The only reason I bring this up is because I'm having a bit of a meltdown, feeling really insecure and a little anxiety ridden, and Helen pointed out to me tonight that we all have our own picket fences. I'm anxious because it seems like he MUST be about to stand me up for our plans tomorrow. She wanted me to realize that IF HE DOES (and assuming it's because of nerves), I should remember that we all have our own triggers for meltdowns.


I don't know why this is even making it to the blog; this isn't my panic attack diary, by any means, but I guess I just wanted to say that if it happens, I'm choosing to be ok with that. Maybe not right away, but that's life. Now it's in print and I have to stick to that.

seems like all good stories start with two monks that went walking

How timely that we're covering Buddhism in my World Religions class; I've been needing to reaffirm my philosophies lately. Yes, I know suffering is caused by desire. I know that is the nature of living, and I accept it, but I still haven't perfected the Middle Way, between self denial and self indulgence. This whole "my car is DEAD" thing could have bothered me more, but I barely broke a sweat. I just accept it as an event, a chance to ride my bike more, walk more, and spend more time at home organizing and whatnot. It's not too hard for me to let go of material things I already have when the time comes, but it has taken practice (which was painful at the time). It all just disintegrates, anyways. It's pure physics.

The buying of a new car, however, is fraught with potential-anguish-pitfalls. Desire leads to suffering. Maybe that sad feeling I have inside when I think about the gorgeous Acura that I saw on craigslist and decided was MEANT FOR ME (but sold while I was on my way over to test drive it) is a good example of this; that car carries with it a certain amount of status, that I now feel like I can't attain. I desired that particular car and I am disappointed. That sadness manifested itself through a snowball of childish, covetous thoughts and behaviors; wanting to feel important, wanting to take Helen for a ride in my mom's car before returning it (to impress?), stopping impulsively for ice cream, checking my phone a million times to see if I got a reply to a certain text message. The end feeling to all of this was depression! At least I saw it coming.

Aside from shiny cars, only personal-life stuff is freaking me out right now. I can't help but fear that Bill isn't in fact being genuine about how he feels, because that's apparently what Brian was up to. And Tom.

But a new acquaintance told me a cool story of two monks who went walking, and it really helped. Moral of the story: let it go, and keep walking.

Two traveling monks reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the monks hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.

As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"

"Brother," the second monk replied, "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."

I don't want to talk about it, wait, I mean I do

Ugh.

WHY is it that one half of my life is going really well (excellent, even) and the other half is in shambles.


Seriously, all the "me as an individual" stuff is fine. My personal life is bustling with joviality and freshness and vim. I've got a date to the State Fair (romantic, huh?). My classes are going well, by which I mean that I've lost track of how many A's I've scored on tests in the past 4 weeks. My house is clean, I've been eating healthy... I could go on, but my heart is breaking.

"Me as a mother" is in jeopardy; not my identity with that role, but the actual mechanics of it.
Harry called to b---- me out this morning because Cora reported back to him about something I said to her about her late arrivals to school. Granted, what I said was wrong; I told her that I don't want her running to Harry to tattle on me about me getting her to school late that day. YES I know he needs to be informed, etc etc. But I was frustrated because he has been calling me with non-stop complaints about my way of doing things lately.

So, anyways, of course, she must want me to be even more stressed and flip out even more, because she went and told him exactly that and then he called me a dozen times to make me even more miserable than I already am about it all.

All I could tell him was that I know I suck at it and I'm SORRY. I'm pretty sure I can make this all work (God, I hope so). Sure, I've been impatient, as I had some pretty big problems come up right after the holidays, and yes, I've made mistakes. I want to be really good at mothering. But, according to Harry, I'm a really bad person and I might as well just give up trying.


I hate dualism sometimes.

I'd sorta just like a completely blank canvas

I mean, if we are all going to say what we want for Christmas, and all.


I'd like to have not broken the glass bowl (full of my homemade, organic, cranberry sauce) at Friendsgiving.

I'd like to have not said a stupid thing to someone yesterday night.

And just now, for that matter.

I'd like to be forgiven for what I've done to you, if we know each other well enough for trespasses. A few in particular come to mind.

I'd like to have never been in love with T, who made me a worse person, and worse for wear, too. Maybe that's true of all love; it's quite possibly never a "good idea"...

I'd like to meet you for the first time all over again, unless our first meeting was decently memorable.

I'd especially like the chance to do some things over again, to mother my children better than I have till this point in time (but not just today, in general, I usually strive to do better in this dept).

you can tell me I'm annoying, but I still want you to hold me

Lately, I've been feeling angsty.

Not enough time with my kids, always running from one obligation to the next, feeling like the semester is sucking the life-blood out of me... And here's the kicker; no partner to turn to when the going gets tough.


But there's a little more to it; I want to discuss friends/friendships.

All of us admittedly busy souls accept that finding time to spend with some friends sometimes involves backbends in scheduling. We make compromises, we take turns driving out of our way, so that no one person is stuck with the burden.

Compromise is something I am actually quite skilled at. Even though I always WANT my way, I have that crucial marriage experience behind me that teaches you how to really get along with someone day in and day out, and the answer is compromise. [I'm telling you, I have no idea why "previous marriage experience" isn't the biggest asset single-people tout having!]


Anyways, this past week I ended up feeling really grouchy that in the midst of the hardest week I've had in a long time not only did I not have someone meeting me halfway, I had to go out of my way to SPEND A LOT OF MONEY to see my girl friends from the old stay-at-home mom days. I did not even have enough money to eat, but they wanted to go to a fancy restaurant at the far-ish end of town from me. God forbid we cook at someone's house and eat/drink wine there.

Sorry, for the sarcasm, but I actually LOVE cooking and eating at home, now. Especially since most nights I'm running around so crazy that the kids and I end up eating a homecooked meal at my mom's house in transit between school and bed, or something fast (and healthy- don't worry!) here. I'd like nothing better than to have my friends over here for dinner. Well, ok, going to someone else's house is equally nice. Remember, I'm all about taking turns.

But my townhouse apartment is not fancy. Ah, what a shame that my values/politics/sentiments don't account for expensive things and an expensive image. I'm more concerned with experiences, personally.


So anyways, long story short- I went to The Nice Restaurant. It made me feel like an imposter. I listened to discussion about various different brands of jewelry that I have no intention of ever spending money on. I had some wine. It cost me as much as TWO BOTTLES would have for my house. And I left there feeling really out of sync with these ladies I've known for a long time.

It's true there are a lot of things in my personal life that no one else understands, and I accept that (sigh), but when it comes down to it, I think I know what I am missing.

And if I don't know what I am missing, I certainly have an inkling of what IT IS. It is nearly palpable. Makes me catch my breath. Moves me.

on the topic of finding purpose and meaning

I figured out the downside to going to work in the morning like other folks...

I did my stuff. I picked up the children at 1:30 pm. They had gone swimming, I had cut vegetables.

We did some other stuff.

Then, at home, it was settling in time and I considered myself very lucky for a moment that I wouldn't be coming home from work and putting the kids to bed at midnight. Until the malaise hit.

When I come home that late, I am always purpose driven, not to mention high on cleaning chemicals. Sleeping children are carried upstairs, one by one. Then I unload the car and change clothes, settle in to having a drink and plugging into my laptop or a book.

But, tonight, Oh! I sat here and pondered WHY it is that I feel so lonely and depressed for a moment, and then no longer cared.


But, see, really, everything IS great, so this doesn't make sense.

- My little business has had several sales this week, and even a custom order from a stranger.

- I'm STILL the highest bidder on an adorable cream colored dress on ebay. Cream is one of my best colors, too.

- I'm going on a kick ass, month long trip to South America in about 3 weeks.

- My kids don't have cavities.


I know with as great as all that is, I should be happy (enough), but I want to feel important. I want to feel like somebody wants me, and frankly, that's just not the case right now. Well, of course, my kids technically need me, but that's different. But I shouldn't cling to their need for me, because I clearly don't want to hamper their growth.

Anyways, maybe Conner sensed my bad mood. He came downstairs, naked and with some mosquito bites on his rear end, complaining about the texture of his cover sheet, and I happily met his need. The next time he came downstairs, it was that the fuzzy blanket he thought he wanted was making him TOO hot. Then, it was that the mosquito bites were actually hurting him.

Finally, I sat next to his bed and sang (warbled?) everything in my 'simple songs repetoire'.

All the basics PLUS:

Home On The Range
How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?
She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain
Do You Know The Muffin Man?
Do Your Ears Hang Low?
The Star Spangled Banner (!!!)


I was one minute away from Come As You Are and Spoonman, I swear it, before he decided I felt important enough, and closed his eyes.