I wish I knew what to tell you

My beach day was great, but my errand in that part of town had another purpose that I kept to myself...

I was going to go and make the End official.


And ending it is something I really don't want, which makes my decision feel silly, but I can't live like this ("this" being sleepless, with my stomach in knots, pulse racing, and generally distraught) either.

I don't know if you remember, but several months ago I said boldly that, from then on out, I whould avoid dating someone I really like, because that's more troublesome. If you only get involved with people you don't really care about, worst case scenario, you're TRULY better off without them.

Anyways, there was no closure. I arrived, I knocked, there was no answer, so I put 2 of his cds on the doorstep and crossed the street to sun and swim and have a wonderful afternoon. A couple of hours later, I returned, knocked, and again there was no answer. Which, basically, was my answer. I think?


I really have no idea. Part of me thinks he's depressed, wants to be alone, etc and this has nothing to do with me. The other part of me thinks he doesn't like me and that this is his lazy-man way of handling a break up.

I feel like a dork about this

So, Mr. C and I have had some nice heart to heart talks about life/relationships/thoughts/the future/etc.

And, we've seen each other about 5 times as much as Helen and Sam have in the past two weeks.

And, he spent both Fri and Sat night here.

And our time together is very nice, I'd say.


But I'm freaking out right now. It's totally stupid but I can't stop feeling like it was all a misunderstanding, a mistake. I don't know WHY he's interested. It doesn't make sense.


Hey- did you know I married my ex when I was 20 years old, I did it because I was certain (100% certain) that no other man could possibly EVER be attracted to me. So I married him, because I figured "What the hell, this is my only chance."

And when I split from Harry, it was with full knowledge that I might never be with someone again as long as I lived. WHY am I so dramatic about this stuff?? Clearly I have been with people since I left him, and on a purely physical, 'no attachments' level I get it. I understand. All humans have physical needs.

But Mr. C has been talking the (monogamy) talk and walking (very close to) the (L-word) walk. So, why am I afraid that it's over because he's been MIA by phone for just a handful of hours?

Well, we had plans to go to Chris and Sum's for a BBQ this evening and he was all into it. And then he left here to go home and take a shower around noon, intending to come back after which we'd head to party with my friends. Instead I got a text that said I should head over there, and he'd probably meet me there. Then a little while later, another that said "Talking to dad important".

My friend Ryan's gf just broke up with him last night, BY TEXT.

That's not what's happening here, is it?

coming clean: my double life

Being a mom is the greatest thing I never expected to be doing with my life. This holiday season, in particular, has been rife with festivities celebrating the children in this household. Maybe for the first time, this year, I really got it. Taking a multi-cultural approach makes perfect sense for us, since we don't particularly subscribe to any one set of beliefs. And it all really makes sense when you step back a little, and get a wider view.

For example, did you know that Buddhists set up alters in their homes at this time of year to celebrate their decendents, complete with sweets, miniature figurines, small gifts, and candles.

It's all been a reminder to me to be more gentle with my kids (I tend to be a little harsh sometimes), to focus on them more, and to involve them in everything that "has to be done", from taking the jar of kitchen scraps out to the compost pile, to making gifts.



Ah, but heres the double life bit- my Christmas involving the kids is over. It's 11:45 pm on Christmas Eve, and I am off the proverbial hook.

After dinner at my mom's house, their dad came to pick them up to take them to Inverness for a perfectly country Christmas, and now all that's left to do on Christmas is to go to the beach, drink pink sparkly wine, watch movies, and sleep all day tommorrow (if I choose to).

In actuality, there will be some of that, but also some knitting, some music, and some reading; I was given a great book this year, by my roommate who knows me so perfectly.

posting this for you...cause you're my *very* favorite bro'

Now, I generally my roll eyes at this sort of mushiness, but I think I am in love- completely-totally-head-over-heels smitten (by The Finches). So much so, that I am adding the veritable kiss of death to my (already pneumococcal) blog. Lryics. I know, it'd be a modicum less shitty if I had actually had the gumption to WRITE a song and posted those lyrics, but they did such a nice job that I don't have to.

NOTE:::::: If this song doesn't at the very least whelm you, call me and I'll find some way to refund your wasted time. Promise.

ps, the title of it is Daniel's Song, but since I know someone by that name, and I didn't want to be, well, creepy, I dashed it out. Now you can substitute your 6 letter name for his, and I'll suddenly be singing it to you (in your dreams, of course).





------, you can take the bus

but if you're not feeling right,

I can pick you up 'cus I kinda like to drive.

From my window I see signs, they stand stapled to the road.

I'll smile at you, because we've tried and left our heavy load.



Back at home with Mom and Dad

can be an awful time, so I

promise to do what I can to try and make it nice.

From my window I see stars, they swing low against the road.

I'll smile at you, because we've tried and finally left our home.



Oh, the going, it was much too slow.

And we thought we never would arrive.

Oh, but somehow life picked up the pace,

went faster than the time,

and we somehow survived.


Waiting for the bus to come,

never seemed to last quite so long.

Leaning on the rain to fall,

------, you can give me a call;

I'll give you a ride.



Oh, the going, it was much too slow.

And we thought we never would arrive.

Oh, but somehow life picked up the pace,

went faster than the time,

and we somehow survived.


------, you can take the bus

but if you're not feeling right,

I can pick you up 'cus I used to like to drive.

Back at home with Mom and Dad

can be an awful time, so I

promise to do what I can to try and make it nice.



From my window I see signs,

they lean longing for the road.

I'll smile at you

because you're my

very favorite bro...



..oh! The going, it was much too slow.

And we thought we never would arrive.

Oh, but somehow life picked up the pace,

went faster than the time,

and we somehow survived.

um, to EVERY)ONE I texted

Re: going out on a Wed night...

Yeah, thank you for letting me have the huevos to go out alone.
Not the first time, but def worth it.


=D


Somebody pinch me. (!!!!!!!!!!!!)



PS. MY INSIDE SOURCE TELLS ME ONLY 53 TICKETS WERE SOLD FOR KRS 1 SO THE SHOW JULY 4 MAY LIKELY BE CANCELLED.

pps. The new dress off ebay has a messed up zipper. good thing I'm crafty, right?
WWYD? would you leave neg feedback? It's a cute dress, maybe neutral feedback??