mystery of mysterys... seriously

Last week, right before school started and my nerves were fraught and frayed, and on a night when my kids had woken me up a bit (not used to that anymore), and so on, I had a weird middle of the night phone call. I think it came at 4 am. Then an odd text from the same number "Sorry, my sister f---ed up".

Ok, so whoever called me accidentally

1) has my phone number saved

OR

2) has a friend with a number very similar to mine and mis-dialed

AND

has a sister.


Sorry to have put you through my initial deductive work unnecessarily but I looked at the number and wanted to smack myself. You know, you can delete a number but that doesn't mean that person will delete yours! I guess it seems like when stuff ends badly that's a given, but apparently it's not.

So, yeah. Got another mystery call last night/this morning. It's 3 am and I am in a happy place, right? And I get a call I ignore. They leave a voicemail I am unaware of until 7 am. They call back 5 min after the first call and I pick up on autopilot (BTW me on sleepy autopilot is about as funny and stupid as it gets) and he proceeds to identify himself as the friend of the owner of the recognizable phone number. A friend I was acquainted with 10 years ago.

AND THEY TRY TO MAKE PLANS WITH ME. FOR RIGHT THEN.

"Uh, I have class in Tampa, IN THE MORNING. I think maybe you have the wrong number?"

Ok, the next person who wants to call me and disturb my R.E.M. OH BOY I am going to have words with you.

And I thought B had been kinda pushing it when he called at 11 last night...

Did I mention that I'm teaching a historical fiber arts course? to kids?

I'm going to have to make a dozen lap looms, drag my my spinning wheel out of Harry's attic, and give it a tune up. Also need to purchase some rovings, some yarn, tapestry needles, and needle threaders. If I'm really adventurous I'll make an extra drop spindle or buy some. Oh, and I need to put together an expense list for my employer.

Then I have to make my power point presentations (one on the history of fiber usage, one that is a pictorial dictionary of technical terms, and one on modern fiber arts), quizzes, and take home handouts.

I keep wanting to get in the zone for this work, but when I start to get going it's unfailingly when I'm obligated/expected to be doing something else. And when I have plenty of unstructured time, there's not too much drive on my part to work on THIS.

OK, later, tonight. It's going to happen. Unless I get side tracked or sleepy or something.

a personal victory, ordinary run of the mill moments of clarity, & a startling IJ revelatory moment

This morning, I jumped out of bed (ok, what really happened was that I cheerily responded "Hello!" to a text that woke me up instead of the more typical "argh. do I know you?" See why for me that constitutes jumping out of bed?)ready to face my day and head to the beach.

I put on my bathing suit and checked my midrange sideways view in the small mirror of my jewelery box... and... kinda flattish tummy area. I mean, not flat flat. Not like before kids. Not like Matt V's prescribed "rock star lean abs" but people- in the past few weeks alone I have enjoyed cake and milk, several pints of beer and a hot dog, a sushi feast, more beer, ice cream with Reese's peanut butter cups smashed in for good measure, and arepas with cheese. [I also have had countless meals made solely of vegetable matter and have stopped using cream/sugar. I've worked pretty hard, in spite of the stuff I listed above (hitting the gym, riding my bike, and so on), so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, it was just a startling moment.]

In that tiny little mirror, for about an hour, I just didn't look completely pregnant. And then I had an apple for breakfast.


Also- moment of clarity for me: I don't know how to flirt anymore. Uhhh. Ok, now what? Dang.


Thirdly, for the IJ readers out there: I read a DFW quote yesterday re: the use of endnotes vs footnotes. He and his editor needed a way to shorten the original draft of the book so they hit upon the idea of weeding out some information into notes. The editor thought it would be more reader-friendly to use footnotes instead of endnotes but DFW said that the use of endnotes "cutely mimics some of the story’s thematic concerns"...

In case you don't follow, what happens when you flip to the back and then back to your page and then back to the back and then back to your page? What are you reminded of? (Answer is a good tennis rally)

Then I was ruminating on how the whole narrative seems to be a tennis rally of sorts, bouncing balls off of different topics and they keep on coming with a sick speed. And then, like that, I knew what those orbs are in the book, marking various sections... And it was so obvious (not the moon or the sun or simply just a pretty, lightly shaded circle). They are tennis balls, flying through the book. Fwap. fwap. fwap. fwap.

stark raving mad, and still writing complete BS but nobody's reading anyways so who g.a.f.??

So I ate like a loon for 4 days (heh, pun, like it??), subsisting on lemon juice and vegetable broth and stuff like that, and then I had a couple of days where I eased back in grains (whole oats, mmmmmm) and corn.

I had some eggs last night, with spinach and cheese. That concluded the easing back in to normal phase, I think.

Had a *bite* of the kids' whole wheat bagel w/ cream cheese today, too. And some of the homemade blueberry pie I waxed poetically about the other day.


That concludes that shitty part of this blog post. Really.

Now on to the totally inane: I think I am going to flake out on quitting men like I flaked out on fasting and "finding myself". I don't know, it sounds like a good idea, but really... I don't know. This is tougher than I wagered it would be. It's not just quitting men in actuality, to COUNT they have to be completely out of my thoughts as well.

the kind of blog post I said I'd never write

So, I've been absent from my blog. Part of it, I guess is that I've been using twitter, which makes me feel lazzzzy for large-scale blogging.

And I'm in a bit of a funk. This is the very tail end of day 4 (really?) of an all produce diet I'm trying. It's possibly the ease-in-phase for a fast (a la cousin Alicia), but it's possible that I'll just go back to my normal healthy-ish ways and give up the extremity soon.

It's hard to say. I'm having a hard time remembering WHY I started down this path some of the time, and other moments it's fine. No extreme hunger yet. Just some moping over the unnecessarily odoriferous homemade blueberry pie in my fridge that I can't even sniff at lest I devour it, and the containers of fresh baked brownie that are stored behind cabinet doors now, because they mocked me all fucking afternoon. Thanks for bringing those brownies by, Sam.

So instead of my normal fare (lots of protein, whole grains, veggies, supplemented by plenty of junk like bagels, brownies, and chicken wings), I am eating produce. Only produce.

I started off doing just raw stuff but a certain craving hit and I needed hot veggies, so I went ahead and changed the parameters for myself.

And, so far so good. I guess. I mean, I guess the GOAL is to deconstruct reality and rebuild it. I have to unravel in order to reravel, etc etc so I guess going nuts is the desired effect?? I want to "clear my mind" and spend this time NOT eating "figuring myself out". Oh yeah, and resetting my palate.


And I'm not just off meat/diary (and in the next couple of days, all food in general)... I'm off men for a good while too. I think I need to figure a lot of things out.

So, Atlanta is always this healthy??

Last night was the Decemberists show at the tabernacle, and I will write a whole post for that when I get a chance, but I just wanted to say that I am kind of reeling.

I tend to consider myself a pretty healthy person (except when I get in a writer's funk and start binging on alcohol, coffee, and barracuda) but seriously:


Breakfast today was an apple.

For lunch, I sauteed 2 eggs w/ bok choy, a small handful of mushrooms, and red pepper flakes. Served with whole wheat flatbread.

Snack- some raw oats.


I love whole food, why don't I grocery shop like this for my house? The night before I left for Atlanta I had 2 burritos, some donuts, and a few glasses of wine for "dinner".

Regardless of what I SHOULD be doing right now, I'm reflecting on the big stuff today.

Here's why:

My days have been thematically arranged lately. This could give me the impression that there is something "running the show" and trying to make me notice things.

For example, the other day everything was IN MY SPACE. I'm not kidding, in every way possible, this was the overall theme of the day. I mean, a bug flew into my nose. A tree ant was caught in my dress while I was at work. And Paul WOULD NOT STOP hounding me to go out (alone) with him, even though I've said we could hang out "just as friends".

Yesterday's theme was certainly "mini-emergencies" around the house and in our world.
Nothing extreme, but I did have to put on my thinking cap and go problem solving, which is a wonderful thing to do.



The other thing I was thinking about is love, and if it is always this awful painful experience. On days like today, I feel really inexperienced (in spite of two engagements, one marriage, and a few betrayals). I have no clue what things should feel like.

I look back and remember lots of pain with all the love, but part of me wants to think that if there is any negative component it's "a bad idea". I want to ban pain in conjunction with love.

And needs, I want to ban needing. Part of me is aching because there are things I need to say and I don't know how. It's true, intimacy is a gradual process, and better not rushed, so I've held off from anything too... attached? Which leaves me wondering if I've made an error.

anthro-post

I was listening to a folk musician/storyteller interview the other day on NPR's music website. I can't remember if it was part of the SXSW stuff they have on there or if it was just a link I lucked upon from their page of SXSW coverage, but either way, it was good stuff.

And then, I had some weird epiphany about fieldwork- If you recall, for several years now I've been planning on studying paleo Indian migrations. This stems from my fascinations with Asian culture, philosophy, and art, nomadic Siberian tribal life (origin of the word shaman comes from a group of these people, the Saman), the northwestern United States (in general), and my own South American heritage.

Kind of a wild mish-mash of reasons to want to study migration, but the other reason is as clear as day to me; I was a little kid and I came home from school with much enthusiasm about the Bering Strait. I think enthusiasm is a little weak for how I felt, I was so excited about this new information, I thought I might faint, or explode.

Anyways, I was listening to this interview and I thought (though not for the first time) about how when people migrate, they bring actual things with them which WILL show in the archaeological record, but they also bring ideas with them. One of the best papers I've ever written was about this.

And then I suddenly wanted scrap archaeology for scientific/cultural study. Creating a phylogeny, an evolutionary tree, of sorts for folk songs/stories (I'd be focusing on many different factors; tempo, range, word count, structure, and of course theme). From Korea through Central America.

If you could only ask your partner for ONE thing

One condition.


Nobody's said I can't ask for two or ten or twenty things, but the one I've asked for means a lot to me (and surprisingly, it's not undying love or faithfulness).

"Promise me that if you ever have a problem with me you tell me".


Maybe

"Promise me you won't see Death Cab in Orlando with a girl friend" might have been a good one, but I took my chances. Damn it.

you can take the Trig outta Tuesday, but you can't take the cosine curve outta me

So, no class tonight, but I did sit down this morning to draw myself a little wave function. See, I have this little proverb that I love:

What happens once will never happen again. But what happens twice will surely happen a third time.

You already know that everything, EVERYTHING, is made of particles and particles are really just wavering energy. All that we could ever perceive and all that we can ever measure is made of waves of energy; literally nothing is solid.

And, see, if you give a wave function the vertical line test, you can't cross it more than once. But if you follow it's domain, it encompasses all. Always. Twice, and three times.

community news

For the past couple of weeks, my job has been dragging. It takes the wind out of my sails to not be needed, to not be woefully busy. Of course, the irony here is that as we approach final exams (still many weeks away!), both my courses AND office workload pick up speed at a pretty fast clip.

But who wants to go to work each day at a job that essentially means nothing to the world?* But I set the bar kinda high; I want to be busy with something that makes the world a better brighter place, that I find physically and mentally stimulating, and that gives me that chance to study human interactions and aspirations.

So, anyway- one moment, I was at "work", reading blogs and logged into facebook in another window (I told you, I like to multitask), when something great happened. I came across a link Amy posted on our gardening blog regarding community togetherness here in our corner of the world. Before I knew it, I was on the phone, networking a bit, and letting these people know about the Really Really Free Market, where I think they could promote memberships in their garden. I still plan on getting something similar underway in my neighborhood, so this is awesome to me. There's a meeting for Green Florida going on next Wednesday that I'm going to try to attend.


Things are considerably better in mental-health-land, since that last post. I've been doing things that make me feel really human and all around good.

-That night, I texted with Billy a bit about my great day and the wierd feeling of deep dissatisfaction that accompanied it. He made me smile a bit, I made him laugh a bit, and the consensus was that these feelings are sometimes part of the fate of mankind. No biggie.

-Helen, Billy, and I went to the drum circle night at the Dunedin Brewery last night. In a crowd of other humans, hands and bodies in motion, I felt very connected.

-Then back at home, we made music ourselves into the wee-est hours. We had everything set up all over the livingroom; a couple of mikes, a couple of mixing boards, instruments, and voices. And then my awesome bf made me a middle of the night egg/breakfast sausage sandwich that was out of this world.


The next week and a half has lots of good stuff in store, too. Another exam tomorrow morning, sewing diapers for the RRFM, plans to visit with Chrissy (Bill's twin) and her cub, going to another drum circle with Amy and Baby Avery, hopefully buying a new car, going to a birthday BBQ at Chris and Summer's, Spring Break for college students (though I will be at work a bit during the break), a garden-meeting for Green Florida , and the the RRFM. Whew.



*I think part of my mood in my last post was related to this feeling.

Victory Gardenz

I was thinking about the garden project, Meet Molly (a children's book), and WWII when it occurred to me that history does sort of repeat itself. Sort of. There are a great deal of things that are vastly different now than they were in the 1940's, but maybe the American psyche has a providential gardening gene that "kicks in" during hard times.


Sure, it might just be economic (less income + higher prices = move towards gardening), but I think this is more about needing to feel human again. Dirt on your hands, wind in your hair human.


Victory!! Wooo!

notepad

I tend to carry as many projects/ideas/plans/etc as anyone, mulling them over, letting them grow.

Kind of like tossing a bunch of seeds in the compost pile, and then picking out the seedlings as they show themselves, I'm scooping out the useable ideas now, and keeping them here for now.


My diaper co. I totally let this go in July when I left for South America. I really just ran away from it all. Maybe because it reminded me of the baby Tom and I didn't have. I still have all the materials, supplies, and equipment. Because I'm in the mood for knitting, I'm making a wool cover with a really neat texture as a gift for Avery. Maybe I'll pick up the ball on my diaper charity project again soon?
As far as keeping food on the table, I have started thinking about planning and marketing diaper-making classes; I'm not bad at it, and I could set my own schedule.


Remember The Incident? Afterwards, I was talking about finding a way to supply those in need with bike lights and batteries. Brian came up with a great bike co op idea for this part of the county, and even made a contact in the Clearwater City Council. Not much else was disscussed with this, because we were doing other stuff for the past 2 months (namely, drinking too much when we spent time together, studying for final exams, freaking out, disagreeing, and recouperating). I have two big ideas on this... Firstly, and perhaps most importantly, I think B and I should keep the focus on working (instead of on socializing) by not trying to discuss this stuff in person. A dozen good emails into the future and we might have something to show for our travails. Secondly, I have a few ideas to throw at him, re: getting sponsers and public support, as well as bringing people and live music together.


Ooh, and our compost project here had also sparked some talk about urban community gardens... I had sent some people in the know emails with questions, and I have some interesting information... Clearwater is now a "Green City", which means that there is a compact somewhere that our mayor signed. And that city food gardens might not be AS hard to start as I originally wagered. I'm going to go door to door in my neighborhood to see if anyone else is interested in attending a city meeting with me.

And, according to floridagardener.com it's time to start. They reccomend the following: Beans, Beets, Broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, Cabbage, Carrots, Cauliflower, Celery, Chinese Cabbage, Collards, Cucumbers, Endive, Escarole, Kale, Kohlrabi, Leek, Lettuce, Mustard, Onion Sets, Parsley, Peas, Peppers, Pumpkins, Rhubarb, Romaine, Rutabagas, Spinach, Squash, Strawberries, Sweet Corn, Swiss Chard, Tomatoes, Turnips Watermelons, and almost any other vegetable or fruit you desire.

Anise, Basil, Borage, Chives, Chervil, Coriander, Fennel, Garlic, Lavender, Marjoram, Mint, Parsley, Rosemary, Sage, Sesame, Sweet Marjoram, Thyme and most other herbs.

There's also the weird music-writing thing that's going on with me, but I don't really know what to say about that, if anything. It's nothing special. Perhaps that's just what happens when you live in a house with a piano and who knows how many other instruments? I really don't intend to DO anything with the songs (yes, now there are two: they're multiplying!), but if I ever get Helen to help me record them, I'll surely post them here.

everyone's on board for 'clean living' right now

It's the last minute rush to make a move on '09, so January 1st is less traumatic, sans the alcohol/smoking/coffee/etc.

So, what do you think? Time for my annual speech about how resolving to fix yourself in time for the ficticious clean slate is antithetical, blah blah blah?

Sorry, I'm skipping that speech this year. Besides, I myself seem to be joining the ranks, albeit for a different reason. It's not calendrical for me; I've had a health scare and I want to turn things around, and make my health a priority. This is something I am going to do, day in and day out, and I started this past week, along with millions of others, turning over a greener leaf.

ANYWAYS.
Shannon asked her readers, "what do you predict?" (for 2009) and I like that twist.


As far as my future, I will be a full time student through the spring, living healthy, applying to internships, spending time with friends and family, and traveling.

I'm wishing we could get back to homeschooling, but it's not going to work out while I'm a single mom, so for the time being, it's "on hold".


Continuing our composting/garden project IS, however, on the agenda. For living in an apartment/townhouse, I'd say we are doing pretty well with the gardens. The front yard has some edibles, and the back is our plumeria tree garden and the staging area for seedlings. It's also where we compost (around the base of our oak tree), and boy is our pile healthy. The turn-around rate is averaging 1-2 weeks, and the soil coming out of there is rich, compared to the crappy sand that was all we had before.

The coolest thing is finding seedlings IN the compost pile. This week, I've pulled 4 strong little pumpkin plants out, and potted them, until they are ready to go in the ground. Check it out.






Oh, I'm also currently writing a song on the piano (even though I'm not much of a musician) and maybe it will be finished at some point in time.

I also hope to tie up some loose legal ends I've got flapping in the breeze, find Kerry and Cody's dvd on fascism, and study up on Sioux and Omaha nations circa 1881 and 1882, for some work I might be doing over the summer at the Smithsonian. The position sounds perfect for me; research assistant/detective, studying old photographs and putting them into historical context.

just a little copy/paste

I mentioned to some friends that my household is even observing (our version of) Kwanzaa this year. I had some curiousity earlier this season and was really impressed by the principles of this holiday (which I have pasted for you here).

Basically, there are 7 days of observance during which friends and family can exchange small gifts that are meant to uplift, inspire, and nurture who we are as creative, proactive, free-thinking individuals and to unite us as a community.



Unity- To strive for and to maintain unity in the family, community, nation and race.


Self-Determination- To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.

Collective Work and Responsibility- To build and maintain our community together and make our brothers' and sisters' problems our problems and to solve them together.

Cooperative Economics- To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit from them together.

Purpose- To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

Creativity- To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

Faith- To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.

I can't sleep

I think I've got a little bit of a fever.

But that's not very interesting...


Guess what? I get to keep my job in the new year; it's official. Woohoo, for not being unemployed!


My new office is pretty great, but the coolest thing about the new building is that it HAS SHOWERS in the downstairs bathrooms.

No joke. Bill Hemme, my boss, an avid commuter-cyclist pointed this feature out to me, but I had noticed it before anyone had a chance to say anything, thinking that it will indeed be possible to ride to work as the weather heats back up in the spring.

If only I could find one of these, then I could take the kids to school (one at a time, but it would work, Cora gets dropped off at 8:30, Conn at 9:00, and my house is in between their schools), and then head out myself for school/work.

Santa, I've been an awfully good girl...

the nutrient dense shopping trip (and other things that keep us going)

1 onion
2 green bell peppers
1 red bell pepper
some tomatoes, still on the vine
8 oz mushrooms
1 lb of broccoli
1 avocado
1 apple
2 lbs of bananas
cranberries
orange juice


garbanzo beans
black beans
a dozen free range (ethical!) eggs
2 lbs of beef for soup


plain yogurt
fruit flavored yogurt for the kids


cornmeal
brown rice
slow cooking oats
barley


1 bottle of white wine




Although I often forget them, I have discovered some other things, besides eating well, that I know are essential to my well being.

First and foremost are those (obvious) basics I've mentioned before; plenty of sunlight, fresh air, exercise, personal space, and PLENTY of time to relax. To those who would suggest that working a 40-hour-work-week, day in and day out, is even remotely sane I say "Mon Dieu! What do you think life is all about, anyways?"

:) life is BEYOND comprehension sometimes :)

So, my day started a little stressed; I had to get ready for a chemistry exam AND go to my brain-less dead-end job, where I would be unable to study for that exam. PLus, I've discovered that from 9:30 am till about 1 pm, I am a HW machine. I mean, I can take notes at a good pace, I solve the most complicated problems during those hours, I think clearly, and I actually don't lack motivation.

And, my kids are in school during those hours, so it's a good time to hunker down with coffee and my work, right?

So, imagine how aggravating it must be to have to peel myself away from the perfect homework environs to go do NOTHING MUCH. At least, nothing important (and for almost no money!).

Besides- ASK ME, just ask me, what is the most important thing to me? My children, of course.

And what have I been forced to put ahead of my time with them (not above their wellbeing, they're just getting lots of time with their dad and with my mom)? School, namely Chemistry lecture. It cuts into my time with them, and still I struggle. So, for me, to pass this class is insanely important. I've invested so much time...

So, to put work ahead of passing Chemistry was to add insult to injury!!! To, essentially put SHREDDING PAPER ahead of time that could have been spent with my kids?? NO, sir, I will NOT.

But do you know what had me the most stressed of all? I felt guilty to want to put my own needs first. How sad. Sometimes, it is very easy to get swept into a current of GO GO GO, when what I need is a sit down breakfast and quality time ;-)


Therefore, mine was a most sympathetic ear as a good friend poured out some of his Monty-Python-esque angst (think: Dennis, the socialist peasant from The Holy Grail), regarding the culture we find ourselves in.


One thing led to another, and before I knew it... I was being invited to join in the (family friendly) adventure of a lifetime, half a world away.

This is why you should always keep passports at the ready. You might not end up using them, but it's certainly nice to know that you could if you wanted to. If you're at all like me, your sanity depends upon it.

reality that you can feel... in your quadriceps

So, a couple of weeks ago, Brian suggested that I ride with him and the rest of the Bicycle Outfitters crew, from the shop to the Bike Bash event at Vinoy Park, in downtown St. Pete. I was sorta on the fence about riding there; not because I didn't want to try a longer ride than I'm used to (in fact, that's exactly what I was ready for), but because I was worried about being the slowest/least skilled person going.

Not to mention it would require getting up at 5 am on a Sunday.

But don't worry- I decided to go anyways, and I am SO glad that I did. Getting up while it was still dark was actually fun, it made the day feel more exciting than a normal day (or was that my nervousness, maybe?). The stars and the moon were just gorgeous Sunday morning, and the weather was brisk enough that I got to don a cozy hooded sweater as we headed out for a quick cup of coffee and over to the bike shop.

Some parts of the ride were really intense for me. There are several overpasses with pretty steep climbs which required some concentration on my part. I love pushing myself past my boundaries, though. It's exhilarating, and the adrenaline-high is impeccable once your end point is visible.

Seriously, there was a moment on the way there (somewhere in the municipality of Gulfport) that I started to doubt my ability to make it all the way there. And then, like magic, a few minutes later the pain went away, and a few minutes after that, we could suddenly see the Trop' and, to me, that means downtown. Riding past it, and down towards the water, my utter joy and satisfaction probably made me look like a fool, but I didn't care.

The bay, so blue and choppy. The wind, so crisp. Palm trees. Puppies. Perfection.

Then, to my surprise, Brian whipped up a hot and nutritious campstove breakfast, to top off the killer moment.

And, can you believe this: Not only were we the first to arrive, Bicycle Outfitters was the only bike shop that set up for this event without the aid of motorized vehicles- total bike power. The caravan of riders not only got there, but got there with bike trailers and panniers loaded with tents, merchandise, tools, and gear!



Here's the Bicycle Outfitters set up, early in the day



A mellow cyclist enjoying the weather, complete with a beer and flip flops, though they didn't make it into the picture


The Skirts, a cool bicycling group for girls!


A little boy on his dad's Xtracycle... I'm so ready to ditch the car circle for good. All I need is an Xtracycle!


Brian, showing off his Surly Longhaul Trucker, while someone from the co op explains bike touring



And here's a video of the event, courtesy of Jack, from bikecommuters.com

you can tell me I'm annoying, but I still want you to hold me

Lately, I've been feeling angsty.

Not enough time with my kids, always running from one obligation to the next, feeling like the semester is sucking the life-blood out of me... And here's the kicker; no partner to turn to when the going gets tough.


But there's a little more to it; I want to discuss friends/friendships.

All of us admittedly busy souls accept that finding time to spend with some friends sometimes involves backbends in scheduling. We make compromises, we take turns driving out of our way, so that no one person is stuck with the burden.

Compromise is something I am actually quite skilled at. Even though I always WANT my way, I have that crucial marriage experience behind me that teaches you how to really get along with someone day in and day out, and the answer is compromise. [I'm telling you, I have no idea why "previous marriage experience" isn't the biggest asset single-people tout having!]


Anyways, this past week I ended up feeling really grouchy that in the midst of the hardest week I've had in a long time not only did I not have someone meeting me halfway, I had to go out of my way to SPEND A LOT OF MONEY to see my girl friends from the old stay-at-home mom days. I did not even have enough money to eat, but they wanted to go to a fancy restaurant at the far-ish end of town from me. God forbid we cook at someone's house and eat/drink wine there.

Sorry, for the sarcasm, but I actually LOVE cooking and eating at home, now. Especially since most nights I'm running around so crazy that the kids and I end up eating a homecooked meal at my mom's house in transit between school and bed, or something fast (and healthy- don't worry!) here. I'd like nothing better than to have my friends over here for dinner. Well, ok, going to someone else's house is equally nice. Remember, I'm all about taking turns.

But my townhouse apartment is not fancy. Ah, what a shame that my values/politics/sentiments don't account for expensive things and an expensive image. I'm more concerned with experiences, personally.


So anyways, long story short- I went to The Nice Restaurant. It made me feel like an imposter. I listened to discussion about various different brands of jewelry that I have no intention of ever spending money on. I had some wine. It cost me as much as TWO BOTTLES would have for my house. And I left there feeling really out of sync with these ladies I've known for a long time.

It's true there are a lot of things in my personal life that no one else understands, and I accept that (sigh), but when it comes down to it, I think I know what I am missing.

And if I don't know what I am missing, I certainly have an inkling of what IT IS. It is nearly palpable. Makes me catch my breath. Moves me.