a few days away from all out insanity? nahhhh

"Everything will be ok, everything will be fine..." I chanted to myself as I lay huddled on the floor between the kitchen and living room.

My kids were playing upstairs, I could hear them, so I let myself just wallow for a bit, not wanting them to see me upset and knowing they would make plenty of noise coming down the stairs. At least the "everything will be ok" motivational speech was an improvement. Minutes before I was crying out that I just couldn't take it anymore.

"It" being the constant cooking and cleaning (and scrubbing, on hands and knees), over and over, with no appreciation.

First, I was making lunch. Fresh fish. My mom's recipe for red snapper; a tomato, onion, and garlic sauce. The kids had just informed me that they weren't going to eat fish (even though at the grocery store, 24 hours earlier, I asked them if they wanted some fish this week and they said YES) and then they ran upstairs to play, when I splattered red sauce all over my brand new white wrap style blouse. And then, I took to the floor, fetal-style.

Once I got up there was a blur of activity. Helen and I nearly ripped the shirt off of me as I poured ginger ale on it, and then I got out some of the spray-on stuff she has around that is miraculously formulated.

White blouse was saved.

But what about my mental health? Seriously. I'm in a bind here.

This is the situation- I have been eating mostly clean un-processed foods with the exception of some beer and a tortilla at Brian's house a few weeks ago, and a little Greek dressing on a salad I had at Ikea yesterday (origin of the dressing unknown). And this kind of eating takes more work than eating just whatever. And I honestly need to eat every 3 hours.

Planning, shopping, washing prep stuff, etc. Now, with school starting again, I have to really be on the ball, but time will be a big factor.

Now, I love my roommate, you know that. She is as important to me as my own family. And I want what's best for her, and I'd love it if she cut out fast and highly processed foods... but she's not capable of doing it for herself and I just can't do it all! I can't do all the shopping and cooking and cleaning for both of us to eat clean, and I feel terribly guilty to do it just for myself... that seems so selfish.

So I don't know what to do. Can I just lay on the floor and moan a bit more? Can I have a snack? I'm starving already.

So...who else is doing the Infinite Summer? you there, in the back?

I want so much to discuss the first couple of parts of Infinite Jest w/ someone! Instead, I'll have to satisfy myself with telling you my own personal news:

So, I have a date on Sunday with this guy who's smart, funny, etc and it turns out he also Colombian. Wow, cool, I thought.

Turns out he was in my middle school gifted class w/ Mrs. Silos. Ha! Last night we reminisced: Remember when we had to memorized that poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley?? Remember when we mummified that chicken??? Haha!

Ans speaking of chickens... I secured 2 free range laying hens and a chicken coop for my kids today. For free. Just like that! Someone needed to get rid of them by Thursday.

Sweeeet. I love free stuff, even better when it's delicious free stuff.

weighing the literal costs

So, I've got a couple of flowcharts made so far, and potential budgets for every outcome.

The situation is as such:

-Waiting, agonizingly, to find out about the internship. If I get it, clearly I'm taking it. It pays and will help me to afford WHATEVER I end up doing over the fall (in Pensacola or Tampa).

-Due dates for fieldschool applications are around the same time; May 1st for the Yukon and May 4th for Tanana Basin, Alaska. Yukon cost is $1,470 and Tanana Basin is about $960, unless I've done the math incorrectly. But I MUCH prefer the Yukon dig; it incorporates many cultural ant. projects, while Tanana is more strictly Archaeologically oriented, and we will be working side by side with local tribal groups, and even attending a potlatch to honor the recently deceased son of the one of the leaders.

Because field school costs money, instead of paying me for my time, it leaves me less able to afford a potential move. My coffers will be nearly emptied. And since I'll be away I won't be working here, but I'll still have to pay my rent, unless I "move out" of my apartment and figure something out when I get home. Then I'll just have to rent a storage facility.


Moving to Pensacola to go to school in the fall IS within my budget right now, if I don't spend a ton of money over the summer, but there will be court costs to consider, because Harry's not willing to even negotiate with a mediator.



Once I've figured out what IS and ISN'T even plausible, I can make a pot of tea and sit down to meditate on my options. I'm considering calling in a professional, as well, for some advice.

fortune cookies

Hullo, just sitting here at work but I wanted to share this with you. I just got the most appropos fortune in my cookie:


"It's not the plan that is important, it's the planning"


That's EXACTLY right on for today. My fb status is all "serious choices, blah blah" today, too.

Oh, and the other side of my fortune told me how to say 'watermelon' in chinese and I WAS LITERALLY EATING WATERMELON right then. I wish I was eating chinese food, but hey. Poor planning, I guess?

this needs addressing today also...

So, I was over at Liberty Belle's blog and reading about how she feels about the "fat cats" that are getting away with millions and million of dollars since our whole economic situation started smoking and making awful grinding noises.

As you know it's April 15th, and it's the last day to file your taxes. So patriots across the nation took it upon themselves to use today for Tea Party protests. I love it!

But I don't believe in not paying taxes- I just get all riled up at the idea of taxation without representation. Maybe we expect this to mean something different than it did 200 years ago, but our point is a good one.

I don't like the bailouts. Some people have lost their life savings and others (who made grave mistakes) walk away richer than ever.

People who took out loans they couldn't realistically afford are being helped, and those who live withing their means will continue to scrape by, on the sweat of their efforts. I wager those who made bad choices aren't learning much from this, except that CRIME PAYS?

However, I have some beef with Liberty Belle's crowd.

1) Obama did not create these problems. I see a lot of folks blaming the dude, and waxing poetic about their beloved Republican party, but seriously. Come on.



2) Our endearing ex-Pres spent the next generations tax dollars on a ridiculous war. Thanks a heap. At least the stimulus package is intended to fix our own problems, which is what we should have been focused on all along.

it's no wonder I was suspicious

... my wave was cresting.

Financially, nothing has changed, I'm still going to be ok. In fact, I have enough money to pursue an archaeology field school now, and I really didn't think that would even be an option this summer (because field school is expensive! and I have bills here to pay while I'm gone! and there's airfare to consider!). And so, because of that, I DIDN'T APPLY to any. I applied to paid internships instead. And I have to wait until May to find out if I've gotten in or not, by which point I should already have tickets purchased and all the necessary travel visas acquired if I am going elsewhere.

Several deadlines have passed me by, but there are still a few I'm checking out.

-I called Dr. Kimball about the Mongolian one that I had my little heart set on, but they are all going over their field notes this summer instead of digging.

-Because I messed up the carefully planned academic symphony I had arranged, I don't have a credit for ANT 3031, which means UWF is out, and possible the Yukon field school as well, unless they give me special permission. I am definitely going to ask for it.

But then the conflict is Danny's wedding in Colorado... June 6th. I'm not flying out the Alaska for a couple of days, flying to CO, then back to Alaska a few days later. And I'm not going to just show up to field school 4 days late. NO WAY.

And I'm not missing Danny's wedding. NO WAY.

On top of all of that, Harry called me today to tell me he's applied for a job with U.S. Customs/Border Security in the Virgin Islands. To which I replied something cheerful and optimistic... and then he told me that if he gets it I HAVE TO MOVE THERE?? IF I want to maintain a relationship with the kids? Um, no. I didn't ask HIM to move to P'cola or Tally. I applied. IF I get in, then I have choices to make. My kids belong with me 50% of the time (and the rest of the time, I'll drive several hours to see them), but I think this might end up being more complicated than I expected. The Virgin Islands, really?

This was all followed by some lovely insults.



Oh, and I'm paranoid (yes, again) and thinking that my bf is going to break up with me via never calling me again. Yes, I realize you want to gouge out my eyes when I act like this. I'm SORRY.

as a weight is lifted from my shoulders

The feeling that all outcomes are equal is a little foreign to me. I usually tend to be overly attached to everything, but more often it's situations and beliefs that I have a hard time recalibrating, rather than dealing with material attachments.

As a child, my mom (an Aquarius) wanted to impress upon me the value in not getting one's hopes too high, because of the risk of vast disappoint. The lesson never really stuck; I always go into things headlong and sometimes excessively (and all the while claiming to be a moderate!), and then I try and console myself when it all tumbles by saying that it just can't be avoided.

But when things really are going well, how do you take that? Cautiously? Or do you revel in it, soak it all up?

And things are good right now. Just good, good, good.

It is a miracle, but economically, I've seen my balances and I know I can handle all of these school expenses (paying for a few tests, applications, and my grad fees), I can handle our upcoming move (whether in town or out of town, is yet to be seen, but there is a move coming either way), I can even handle NOT getting the internship (plus stipend), if that's how it all plays out. I'd rather get it than not, but I'll BE OK either way.

Seriously, though, I'd like input on how you feel when life is (suspiciously) great... do you take that as an indicator of being on the right path? or do you think everything seemingly lined up can be just a fluke?

the new apple of my eye

It's a rad little 5 speed Hyundai that has me over the moon. I mean, I love this little baby of a car. I want it so much I can taste it (huh, funny, it tastes a lot like a gin/cranberry juice/tonic). Mine's peacock blue, though.

Has there ever been a phrase that can make your heart pitter-patter like '5 speed'?

No, I didn't think so. Only problem is I will have to buckle down and stop spending so much money... It's about a thousand dollars more than I had wanted to spend on a new car.

gardener's journal...

So, my friend Amy has asked me to join her and few other bloggers in writing about our garden projects over at How Does My Garden Grow. I really like the idea of various different gardeners posting stories and pictures, how-to information, and updates.

And this is sort of like an extension of our actual garden. The different views, needs, resources, and experiences we can all bring to the table (literal and metaphorical) are so valuable. Can you imagine if all of life was this cooperative?

woo

So, we are in the midst of planning a snow-day. I thought at first that I'd drive the kids to, oh, say a mountain in West Virginia. That's 14 hours behind the wheel for me, and then we'd go crazy in the snow, sleep the drive off in our motel room, and then take pictures in the snow the following morning, and drive back home.

Essentially, it takes the whole weekend.


The appeal to this plan was CHEAPNESS. Then Harry suggested I not put my car through that abuse, and, since my transmission is starting to go, I realized the flaw in the plan. I looked at car rentals. I looked at train fares. I re-considered the itinerary to include NYC or D.C. or Albuquerque. It would still be a really short trip. We can leave on a Thursday afternoon (I'd have to do my bio lab on a different day, and just skip trig), and I need to have the kids in bed by 8 pm on Sunday.

I haven't hashed it all out yet, but the next few weeks will tell.


**** Also, breaking news. My cell phone is now broken. I CAN text but can't place or answer calls. So I also need to budget THAT in. Argh.


*****MORE breaking news. Cora just asked me to make her a "Laura dress".

everyone's on board for 'clean living' right now

It's the last minute rush to make a move on '09, so January 1st is less traumatic, sans the alcohol/smoking/coffee/etc.

So, what do you think? Time for my annual speech about how resolving to fix yourself in time for the ficticious clean slate is antithetical, blah blah blah?

Sorry, I'm skipping that speech this year. Besides, I myself seem to be joining the ranks, albeit for a different reason. It's not calendrical for me; I've had a health scare and I want to turn things around, and make my health a priority. This is something I am going to do, day in and day out, and I started this past week, along with millions of others, turning over a greener leaf.

ANYWAYS.
Shannon asked her readers, "what do you predict?" (for 2009) and I like that twist.


As far as my future, I will be a full time student through the spring, living healthy, applying to internships, spending time with friends and family, and traveling.

I'm wishing we could get back to homeschooling, but it's not going to work out while I'm a single mom, so for the time being, it's "on hold".


Continuing our composting/garden project IS, however, on the agenda. For living in an apartment/townhouse, I'd say we are doing pretty well with the gardens. The front yard has some edibles, and the back is our plumeria tree garden and the staging area for seedlings. It's also where we compost (around the base of our oak tree), and boy is our pile healthy. The turn-around rate is averaging 1-2 weeks, and the soil coming out of there is rich, compared to the crappy sand that was all we had before.

The coolest thing is finding seedlings IN the compost pile. This week, I've pulled 4 strong little pumpkin plants out, and potted them, until they are ready to go in the ground. Check it out.






Oh, I'm also currently writing a song on the piano (even though I'm not much of a musician) and maybe it will be finished at some point in time.

I also hope to tie up some loose legal ends I've got flapping in the breeze, find Kerry and Cody's dvd on fascism, and study up on Sioux and Omaha nations circa 1881 and 1882, for some work I might be doing over the summer at the Smithsonian. The position sounds perfect for me; research assistant/detective, studying old photographs and putting them into historical context.

the nutrient dense shopping trip (and other things that keep us going)

1 onion
2 green bell peppers
1 red bell pepper
some tomatoes, still on the vine
8 oz mushrooms
1 lb of broccoli
1 avocado
1 apple
2 lbs of bananas
cranberries
orange juice


garbanzo beans
black beans
a dozen free range (ethical!) eggs
2 lbs of beef for soup


plain yogurt
fruit flavored yogurt for the kids


cornmeal
brown rice
slow cooking oats
barley


1 bottle of white wine




Although I often forget them, I have discovered some other things, besides eating well, that I know are essential to my well being.

First and foremost are those (obvious) basics I've mentioned before; plenty of sunlight, fresh air, exercise, personal space, and PLENTY of time to relax. To those who would suggest that working a 40-hour-work-week, day in and day out, is even remotely sane I say "Mon Dieu! What do you think life is all about, anyways?"

I beat the witches (I think)

Well, I just took the Chemistry test (Gas laws/Thermochemisty reactions) that I thought would be really really awful, only to find out that it wasn't all that bad... but that's after a veritable marathon of study time. True, I may have only scored a B, but at this point, that would satisfy me.


Side note, the Ex is giving me trouble again. It's always cyclical with him. We both agree that if childsupport was enforced and just taken out of his check it would be a lot less painful for us both (I hate ASKING for it each week, and he HATES giving it to me). And currently, he's running a few weeks behind yet again and feeling cranky because he's not dating anyone (I'm guessing that's why he's cranky. who really knows!). So, when I asked this week if I can expect him to catch up with me on his next payday, he gave me The Rudeness and basically said I can just hold my breath waiting for the money.

Ah. Harry does The Rudeness so well, too. And it turned into the same freaking fight we always seem to have now.

Why is it that we never really fought while we were together, but now we can't agree on Fact Of My Life No. 1?

Fact No. 1) I work REALLY hard, day in and day out.
My children depend on me for all the little things that add up to one hell of a job; getting them dressed/fed for school, Halloween costumes, sending in classroom snacks, retrieving forgotten items from the classroom, cleaning up their messes, signing up to volunteer for field trips, afterschool fun, doctors appt's, and taking sick days off work to take care of them when they are sick are all my department.

I also go to school about 20 hours a week and work in the office 15 hours a week, then go home to a ton of homework and housework.

I realize I'm not the only person out there to be juggling a lot of stuff, so I'm writing this more for my benefit than for yours. I tend to be thoughtful about the imput others give me regarding myself and my faults... and he's literally telling me that I DO NOTHING. That I'm just lazy and go to school because I want to when I could be earning enough to raise the kids on without his help.

So, when I write it all out, it seems like maybe I'm not THAT awful of a person.

And, don't you just love it when I get all complainy?

step lively

Again, the pace is starting to drain me.

Drive to drop off kids, go to class/work, drive to pick up kids, errands, stress, homework, exams, class/work, kids, stress, sleep, stress, class, errands, exams.

You see why I had to spend time "unwinding" last night with a (hot) guy friend? Yes, that's what we young people call it these days. Plus- he made eggs in the morning and served them with orange juice and coffee. Yippee!

All the while, my gas gauge is on E and I have $1.50. No joke. I have held on to this $1.50 now for a few days, reluctant to spend it (now I am cursing myself for my EXTRAVAGANT five dollar purchase over the weekend... that was really going out on a limb and I knew it). Both my accounts are empty. WHERE is that student check?

In ten years, we will all be laughing when we "remember that time", won't we?

Won't we??

Yeah, things are interesting right now. This is a great learning experience, though. Did I mention how good my grades have been? That's definately a plus.

Work today was good. I re-did a sign in the hall where the professor's office numbers are posted. It was a wreck before, and, of course, is done perfectly now. Then I bullshited with my professors as they stopped by the office, answered phones, ran a few errands for the department, got some free food for some special occasion on campus, and shredded a million and one sheets of top secret math-test-scratch-paper. [I know you've always wondered where your scratch paper goes, haven't you?]

Oh, I saw my good friend, Hilary Flower, today, too! :-) She teaches Earth Science @ Clearwater SPC.


Oh, and I'm sorta sad to say I have no new bike miles to list. My mom drove me to Chem lecture tonight, and then bought the kids and I a burrito afterwards. She's awesome. At least I went to the gym on Sunday morning, but that's sort of pitiful, huh?

forgot to tell you

My sundress blowing in the breeze, I did about 8 miles yesterday, in the beautiful late afternoon. I rode from here to downtown, then over to Clearwater Beach, and I was (literally) muttering obscenities as I crossed that crazy steep bridge.

And then, after you cross the first, there's another bridge, with less of an incline, thank goodness. An there is a sign that says "No Jumping Off Bridge" at the start of the second one, because I think they knew what I was feeling as I approached.

Well, anyways, I felt great once I arrived at my destination and cruised around for a while, enjoying this different pace. I stopped into Kiku for some sushi because I have been wanted to get a bite there for over a year now, and I never seem to be in the neighborhood when they are open.

Amazing. Freakin delicious. I just wish I could have spent more than $5!

It is likely going to be my new (every other) weekend routine; ride over that bridge, bask in the glow of the beachy-vibes, and get my wasabi/ginger/seafood fix.

Who's going with me next time?

Can someone tell me it's time?

I need to sit down and be productive.


(Wow, remember when I made, like, 200 cloth diapers in that month when Tom and I were breaking up. Stayed up all night sewing, for days on end. Amy had very good timing to give birth to Avery around that time...)









when the kids go to sleep = Husqvarna time

my mom is allergic to my particular brand of common sense

Yesterday, I mentioned to my mom how on Saturday I rode 10 miles on my distance test, and that I was very proud of myself. She said "Ok."

Then, I mentioned that I've made a commitment to myself to ride instead of drive "whenever possible", which means when I don't have to transport the children + children's gear, and when I'm not going not excessively far (about 5 miles each way was kinda easy... so I'm not sure what my upper limit is yet).

She flipped out! She is really not happy with me about this, and, like always, I wish she could understand me.

I mentioned that there is no good reason to NOT ride. I am physically capable, no excuses there. I can save money on gas. I can get my workout while I travel to work and school (saves time at the gym). It's fun. It's good for the earth, because I use less resources and put out less waste this way. And, it's empowering to know that you can do what you need to do, with the energy of your own body.


According to my mom, I should be thankful to have a car (I am, trust me!), and I should show that gratitude by not deviating from the (so called) norm.

She said if I need help paying for gas I should ask her for some extra cash. (Ok)

And that I'm a mother and it's time to act like it; time to stop always doing what I want. To me, doing a good deed now is doubly good. Children see everything.

The 'helps the earth' part pissed her off the most. Did you know there are anti-environmentalists? Yes, there are. Nothing against the 'religious right', but come on! If God made the earth, why trash it just because He can work miracles or because the end is nigh? My mom says that I should be focusing on my salvation, and not so much on "so called good deeds".

Maybe this is our biggest bone of contention, but I REALLY believe in doing things ethically, even if it inconveniences me a little (and I think I stick to my principles about 90% of the time).

If you are poor and need my coat more than I do (because I'm lucky enough to have 2 or 3), I might give it to you.

Do you need fresh air to breath? Let me see if I can do something to help out.

surges...

... are the best kinds of waves to swim in, it's true. The adrenaline rush is so tingly and you can actually get a good workout fighting against the waves and then riding them when you need a break.

Yes, I am still doing free things. I do already have a homeschoolers' annual pass to Great Explorations (a childrens museum), however it's in St. Pete and gas is not free. Heritage Village is nearby, though, and they really love it.

Oh, yeah, and last night we did watch Frida, and although the eyebrows have me freaked out, it was a really interesting film. And it was free.

But in all honesty, I am content content content... which is rare for me, right? I just feel so happy to have such great friends and family.

singing along with the Beatles, because this isn't depressing at ALL>

I'm feeling sort of mellow, in a dark and mellow kind of way.



It's not that there aren't PLENTY of things to do on a rainy day. But the list of things to do shrinks dramatically when you require that they also be FUN and FREE. Because I am super broke and waiting for the Pell check (yes, again).

So while I'm waiting for the sun, I guess I'll listen to itunes, wash dishes, do my trig homework, and then go to the gym. I convinced my mom to go with me! I can't wait.

And the dead hamster's cage needs a cleaning, too. Wheee!

Actually, Helen and I have Frida checked out from the library right now...there's an idea for when she gets home from work later tonight. But, right now I'm just not very interested in it. Maybe because of the hype for a long weekend, you get left feeling disillusioned or cheated or something.

Don't people do cookouts in other parts of the country?

Oh! the rain!


[tell me to stop bitching! I was downtown at a WMNF jazz party just last night, and then hanging out with friends]


The other day, we were discussing whether or not we should go ahead and devour the storm supply in the pantry when Helen pointed out to me that we are "only into the G's and H's" as far as storms go.

So, consider for you listening pleasure, Octopus's Garden. It's on Abbey Road, but you knew that.


I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden in the shade
He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus' garden in the shade...

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus' garden near a cave

2 days left to go with NO CELL PHONE

How did ANYBODY ever get along before cell phones and text messaging? That is what I would like to know.

Yes, we have a regular traditional home phone, as well, but I feel very much lost.
See, I didn't want to pay for a whole months service for only 3 days use... That's what I get for being a cheapskate.

I just have to go back to my mantra (that I'm sure you've heard from me, if you know me in person):

Travel is possible IF you know how to make it a priority... live really cheaply the rest of the time!