ruler breaker/heart shaker

What fun is living if you can't make rules and then ditch them, right?

Sigh. Actually, I didn't intend to come on here to write. I came to read. I wanted to know HOW was it that I felt 6 months ago when Billy and I broke up. Just HOW BAD was it? It was a really bad break up, wasn't it???

Because we're talking again for some reason, and he wants to hangout, and I'm sorta almost game. Partially out of curiosity (is he still the same person he was back then? does he still drive that jeep? am I going to fly into a rage and break his glasses and punch his lights out? do we still have good chemistry together?) and partially because I'm just not as resolute as I should/could be. And because I love being invited to a costume party. (and because I NEVER GET TO HAVE SEX ANYMORE<<<< ARGH)

I know. It's a bad idea. I know.

But I'm also really tired of talking to guys who don't understand standard English but brag about their intelligence/vocabularies.

I miss someone knowing me and caring and wanting. And I guess I miss being walked on a little bit, too. If I hadn't just had my fill of therapy talk from a psychology student I know, I'd say that I need some.

mystery of mysterys... seriously

Last week, right before school started and my nerves were fraught and frayed, and on a night when my kids had woken me up a bit (not used to that anymore), and so on, I had a weird middle of the night phone call. I think it came at 4 am. Then an odd text from the same number "Sorry, my sister f---ed up".

Ok, so whoever called me accidentally

1) has my phone number saved

OR

2) has a friend with a number very similar to mine and mis-dialed

AND

has a sister.


Sorry to have put you through my initial deductive work unnecessarily but I looked at the number and wanted to smack myself. You know, you can delete a number but that doesn't mean that person will delete yours! I guess it seems like when stuff ends badly that's a given, but apparently it's not.

So, yeah. Got another mystery call last night/this morning. It's 3 am and I am in a happy place, right? And I get a call I ignore. They leave a voicemail I am unaware of until 7 am. They call back 5 min after the first call and I pick up on autopilot (BTW me on sleepy autopilot is about as funny and stupid as it gets) and he proceeds to identify himself as the friend of the owner of the recognizable phone number. A friend I was acquainted with 10 years ago.

AND THEY TRY TO MAKE PLANS WITH ME. FOR RIGHT THEN.

"Uh, I have class in Tampa, IN THE MORNING. I think maybe you have the wrong number?"

Ok, the next person who wants to call me and disturb my R.E.M. OH BOY I am going to have words with you.

And I thought B had been kinda pushing it when he called at 11 last night...

guilt and confoundedness

My weekend was kept spectacularly festive, busy, and spry (more on that tomorrow) thanks to the diligent efforts of those who love and support me, but I'm still processing the, er, break up.

So. I heard from someone that Billy said I had acted "psycho" when I went to his house (to break up with him). Really? I mean, we were exclusive for a couple of months and I needed to know we were both on the same page about the break up. I tried to contact him by phone, and I'm sorry but I am above texting a break up message.


Still haven't heard anything from him like "thanks for my cds", or "yeah, we should break up" or anything (why do I expect to?). I deleted his number from my phone, but not all of the messages lurking within.

And he's still on my facebook page. That one is kind of upsetting me. He just made his facebook page, right before the good weekend we had, which was immediately before he disappeared. He hasn't deleted me as a friend, and I haven't done it either.

And do you know why I haven't? Because I really don't want to NEVER talk to him again. But he wants to never speak to me, apparently, because I'm awful for wanting closure. So why hasn't he deleted me as a friend?

This breaks my f-ing heart. I know he's got major problems (too many to list), and I'm pretty sure I'm better off this way, but I still think he's unlike anybody else. To which Helen pointed out: EVERYONE'S unique.

I'm listening to Engine Driver, by the Decemberists and the chorus, which was taken as a contractual agreement between us one afternoon reminds me that there is no other way. ...and if you don't love me, let me go. Unfortunately, this is where the title's guilt comes in; I love him (and his faults) and I let go anyways. Because I had to assume that what he wanted, and I ran out of the saintliness needed to continue in patience.

And I'm still at the stage where I'm going over it all, again and again. I have a hundred questions that will never be asked and never have answers. There's nothing to do but walk away.

And maybe get one of these?

I wish I knew what to tell you

My beach day was great, but my errand in that part of town had another purpose that I kept to myself...

I was going to go and make the End official.


And ending it is something I really don't want, which makes my decision feel silly, but I can't live like this ("this" being sleepless, with my stomach in knots, pulse racing, and generally distraught) either.

I don't know if you remember, but several months ago I said boldly that, from then on out, I whould avoid dating someone I really like, because that's more troublesome. If you only get involved with people you don't really care about, worst case scenario, you're TRULY better off without them.

Anyways, there was no closure. I arrived, I knocked, there was no answer, so I put 2 of his cds on the doorstep and crossed the street to sun and swim and have a wonderful afternoon. A couple of hours later, I returned, knocked, and again there was no answer. Which, basically, was my answer. I think?


I really have no idea. Part of me thinks he's depressed, wants to be alone, etc and this has nothing to do with me. The other part of me thinks he doesn't like me and that this is his lazy-man way of handling a break up.

at least I'm feeling brainy

The weeks are slipping away and graduation is nearly upon us. I have another Trig exam tomorrow night, and I'm actually really looking forward to it :)

Kind of like how training myself for taking the SATs again is turning into a game. God, I love competition, even when it's just with myself. Although, I did score a healthy 255 points in a Scrabble match against a (very) smart person last night.

But seriously, I am trying to get a perfect score on the SAT. I know, maybe that's asking a lot, but I did really well before, and I know THAT much more now ten years later. I just have to re-stretch my brain muscles and jump in.


Oh, and speaking of needing validation (I know we weren't but hey)... I'm driving Brian's truck for practice tomorrow afternoon, which is awesomely rad, but I think I need to be careful about this. There was a reason (I'm SURE of it) that I said I would never speak to him again, never see him again, and then as a final compromise, never ever hang out alone with him.

parenting, a trial by fire

So, during today's morning drop off I was thinking about parenting stuff. Namely, about WHO is the expert on what is best for a child? (the PARENTS, right??)

I was really tempted to call Brian to talk about this, since he and I always used to have nice parenting chats and we have very similar parenting styles. Actually, that's something I miss about him, and I don't expect to find in common with everyone I go out with from here on out. But anyways... I didn't call him. Of course not. I just kept my thoughts to myself, and drove to work in a sort of mundane way.

So, we have this issue. None of you who know me personally will be surprised...

Core gets to school a little late a lot of the time. The reasons are varied and plenty: I didn't feel it was worth fighting about, homework needed finishing, we couldn't find somebody's shoes/coat/backpack, they were really hungry and wanted 2nds on breakfast, they were really tired and I let them sleep in a bit, we all overslept accidentally, etc etc etc.

Basically, it's poor planning on my part, but I swear, even on the days when I get up a half hour before I have to get them up, even when I made breakfast the night before (I believe in a good breakfast), even when we lay clothes out the night before... something comes up, or we make it out the door at exactly the time she is supposed to BE THERE. We only live 10 minutes from her school, so it's not awful, but it's not looking so good to the office staff.

I'm trying to stay calm and just keep on reminding her that moving faster is better regarding getting ready for school, but she really takes after me; I like to do things when I'm ready to.

And I know the moms working at the school think it is just berserk that I don't naturally wake up at 6 am (my babies were always sleepers, therefore I never had to get "used" to getting up at dawn), that I don't have an efficient method devised for doing this all, and that some days I don't have to hurry off to SPC and I want to spend that extra time with them.

Harry, on the other hand, manages to get them to school on time, from the way he tells it, because he's usually at work before then anyways. And he reprimands me by saying that all of these tardies are "going to bring DCF and the Clearwater Police Dept down on us" (by which he means me).

Now, I'm not saying that tardies are GOOD; no, of course not. My mom never taught me to manage my time and as soon as I could be told it was my own responsibility to get ready and leave on time, I realized I had no clue. Something had gone terribly wrong in the raising of me.

I want my kids to learn to find their shoes, I want them to know how to read a clock (Cora's awesome with digital ones, at least), and to know why we put things away when we are done with them. Just because I don't possess a certain skill (yet) doesn't mean that they don't have a chance at developing it.

But the pinnacle of my rant comes to this: the school is providing a service. Harry and I have paid in (as have many of you who don't have kids- sorry!), and decided that we WOULD accept the service they provide, for the time being. I'm still the boss of my kids, and it totally irks me to no end when the school officials try and put me in my place.

So, why is it abuse if I (frequently) bring my well-cared for, well-mannered, empathic, agreeable, lovely 6 year old to school late?

That's what I'd like to know.

I don't know how to explain this

Something is going on with me.

I've had The Golden Touch in the kitchen for the past two weeks- nothing ruined, burnt, dropped, or chipped. Pretty amazing considering how clumsy I can be sometimes.


My house is clean. Well, the downstairs is, anyways.


I've COMPLETED two knitting projects in three weeks.


My intuition feels really strong right now. And my sense of smell is out of this world.


I've written more pages in my novel (apparently I'm writing a novel) this week than I have all year.


Oh, and I'm making a modern art mobile, just because I HAVE to. Helen asked me about my inspiration, and I literally had no answer, it was just something I needed to do.


Plus, it's been nearly a week since I did my nails and I haven't chipped any of the polish.

If this is what happens when someone you love f--k's you over big time, then bring it on. My perspective on this isn't just seeing the silver lining in the situation... I really know things are better this way! Woo!

I beat the witches (I think)

Well, I just took the Chemistry test (Gas laws/Thermochemisty reactions) that I thought would be really really awful, only to find out that it wasn't all that bad... but that's after a veritable marathon of study time. True, I may have only scored a B, but at this point, that would satisfy me.


Side note, the Ex is giving me trouble again. It's always cyclical with him. We both agree that if childsupport was enforced and just taken out of his check it would be a lot less painful for us both (I hate ASKING for it each week, and he HATES giving it to me). And currently, he's running a few weeks behind yet again and feeling cranky because he's not dating anyone (I'm guessing that's why he's cranky. who really knows!). So, when I asked this week if I can expect him to catch up with me on his next payday, he gave me The Rudeness and basically said I can just hold my breath waiting for the money.

Ah. Harry does The Rudeness so well, too. And it turned into the same freaking fight we always seem to have now.

Why is it that we never really fought while we were together, but now we can't agree on Fact Of My Life No. 1?

Fact No. 1) I work REALLY hard, day in and day out.
My children depend on me for all the little things that add up to one hell of a job; getting them dressed/fed for school, Halloween costumes, sending in classroom snacks, retrieving forgotten items from the classroom, cleaning up their messes, signing up to volunteer for field trips, afterschool fun, doctors appt's, and taking sick days off work to take care of them when they are sick are all my department.

I also go to school about 20 hours a week and work in the office 15 hours a week, then go home to a ton of homework and housework.

I realize I'm not the only person out there to be juggling a lot of stuff, so I'm writing this more for my benefit than for yours. I tend to be thoughtful about the imput others give me regarding myself and my faults... and he's literally telling me that I DO NOTHING. That I'm just lazy and go to school because I want to when I could be earning enough to raise the kids on without his help.

So, when I write it all out, it seems like maybe I'm not THAT awful of a person.

And, don't you just love it when I get all complainy?

just when I thought the coast was clear

It's like a fresh, fresh wound. I feel incredibly sick.

Harry just (gleefully?) told me that Tom's been engaged to Paige since early March. Wait, i'm confused... he and I were planning on getting married, and were even trying to concieve back then.

Then he started acting 'different', we grew more distant, and even tried to upset each other some in the death throes of those last couple of weeks.

But- being serious about someone else like that?


Tom has not confirmed the extent of that rumor, but he has finally admitted (just this moment) that he and Paige are an item, as of late. And he says he's happy now, and that he wants me to stop texting him, but he's the one who's been initiating the conversations.


I was all giddy, why did this crap have to come up today?


Let it just be said that for the record (pulling a 'Trent' here):

I don't think I ever want to be in a relationship with someone who has not had their share of devastation/had their heart trampled like this. It would just be too hard to relate, I think.

I'm trying to believe that this will all have made me a better person, a more well rounded and less naive person.

Remember when I asked

"How long will it take to get over the break up?"

Apparently just about 2 months. Not that I don't still think about Tom, about what went wrong, "why?", etc... I do think about that stuff sometimes, but it's not first in the morning, and last at night, anymore.

The stuff he gave me is still here. I still think the japanese fishing hat is the coolest thing on our hat-stand. The jewelry he gave me is still some of my favorite stuff; the texts, the most romantic ever.

I'm just no longer feeling like he was the right person for me. It's sort of a relaxed kind of dissapointment now.

Just thought I should share, since SO many of my friends helped to hold me together when I was falling apart. And now, it's probably time to get MY life back on track (school, work, etc); Tom seriously derailed me for a while, with all that love nonsense.

And, remember when my marriage split up and, even though I did the dumping, I felt so terribly betrayed, broken, and alone? Ah, memories. But, several months later, that pain also passed.

I think that's the story of that single koi fish shoulder tattoo (who currently seems to be trapped in some sort of middle ground between swimming upstream and blowing in the wind). Resisting lonliness is resisting one's most natural and most effortless state of being, the Osho masters might say.

Then, why is it that I feel like I am at my ABSOLUTE best when I can complement someone's uniqueness? When my skills and qualities can be appreciated and someone else's qualities can be appreciated by me? That's where strong friendships come into play, and help to fill that void, somewhat...

Except sex w/ friends is just WIERD sometimes.

Being married spoiled me!