ruler breaker/heart shaker

What fun is living if you can't make rules and then ditch them, right?

Sigh. Actually, I didn't intend to come on here to write. I came to read. I wanted to know HOW was it that I felt 6 months ago when Billy and I broke up. Just HOW BAD was it? It was a really bad break up, wasn't it???

Because we're talking again for some reason, and he wants to hangout, and I'm sorta almost game. Partially out of curiosity (is he still the same person he was back then? does he still drive that jeep? am I going to fly into a rage and break his glasses and punch his lights out? do we still have good chemistry together?) and partially because I'm just not as resolute as I should/could be. And because I love being invited to a costume party. (and because I NEVER GET TO HAVE SEX ANYMORE<<<< ARGH)

I know. It's a bad idea. I know.

But I'm also really tired of talking to guys who don't understand standard English but brag about their intelligence/vocabularies.

I miss someone knowing me and caring and wanting. And I guess I miss being walked on a little bit, too. If I hadn't just had my fill of therapy talk from a psychology student I know, I'd say that I need some.

a few days away from all out insanity? nahhhh

"Everything will be ok, everything will be fine..." I chanted to myself as I lay huddled on the floor between the kitchen and living room.

My kids were playing upstairs, I could hear them, so I let myself just wallow for a bit, not wanting them to see me upset and knowing they would make plenty of noise coming down the stairs. At least the "everything will be ok" motivational speech was an improvement. Minutes before I was crying out that I just couldn't take it anymore.

"It" being the constant cooking and cleaning (and scrubbing, on hands and knees), over and over, with no appreciation.

First, I was making lunch. Fresh fish. My mom's recipe for red snapper; a tomato, onion, and garlic sauce. The kids had just informed me that they weren't going to eat fish (even though at the grocery store, 24 hours earlier, I asked them if they wanted some fish this week and they said YES) and then they ran upstairs to play, when I splattered red sauce all over my brand new white wrap style blouse. And then, I took to the floor, fetal-style.

Once I got up there was a blur of activity. Helen and I nearly ripped the shirt off of me as I poured ginger ale on it, and then I got out some of the spray-on stuff she has around that is miraculously formulated.

White blouse was saved.

But what about my mental health? Seriously. I'm in a bind here.

This is the situation- I have been eating mostly clean un-processed foods with the exception of some beer and a tortilla at Brian's house a few weeks ago, and a little Greek dressing on a salad I had at Ikea yesterday (origin of the dressing unknown). And this kind of eating takes more work than eating just whatever. And I honestly need to eat every 3 hours.

Planning, shopping, washing prep stuff, etc. Now, with school starting again, I have to really be on the ball, but time will be a big factor.

Now, I love my roommate, you know that. She is as important to me as my own family. And I want what's best for her, and I'd love it if she cut out fast and highly processed foods... but she's not capable of doing it for herself and I just can't do it all! I can't do all the shopping and cooking and cleaning for both of us to eat clean, and I feel terribly guilty to do it just for myself... that seems so selfish.

So I don't know what to do. Can I just lay on the floor and moan a bit more? Can I have a snack? I'm starving already.

ANOTHER reason to trust your instincts

Oh, I am half yearning for the gumption to say what I want to right now, and half happy enough that I have the restraint to hold my tongue. I don't want to burn bridges, ya know. I'll tell this story as a parable, make of it what you will.


I went to the Rays game with my friend (woo! 10-9, Toronto can just GO HOME!). Let's call him Matt. And he was, like, reaaally inebriated.

In the past few months he'd been trying to get me to hang out and I kept putting it off or whatever because I had this sinking feeling that he only wants one thing, even though his whole song and dance is all "Oh my gosh, we have an amazing deep connection, let's get crazy and find the Tao, etc".

And let me just say that I wasn't at all wrong to be suspicious. Sigh. And then I made a comparison between myself and a Tibetan monk, in order to illustrate my level of availability for anything beyond the platonic.

the kind of blog post I said I'd never write

So, I've been absent from my blog. Part of it, I guess is that I've been using twitter, which makes me feel lazzzzy for large-scale blogging.

And I'm in a bit of a funk. This is the very tail end of day 4 (really?) of an all produce diet I'm trying. It's possibly the ease-in-phase for a fast (a la cousin Alicia), but it's possible that I'll just go back to my normal healthy-ish ways and give up the extremity soon.

It's hard to say. I'm having a hard time remembering WHY I started down this path some of the time, and other moments it's fine. No extreme hunger yet. Just some moping over the unnecessarily odoriferous homemade blueberry pie in my fridge that I can't even sniff at lest I devour it, and the containers of fresh baked brownie that are stored behind cabinet doors now, because they mocked me all fucking afternoon. Thanks for bringing those brownies by, Sam.

So instead of my normal fare (lots of protein, whole grains, veggies, supplemented by plenty of junk like bagels, brownies, and chicken wings), I am eating produce. Only produce.

I started off doing just raw stuff but a certain craving hit and I needed hot veggies, so I went ahead and changed the parameters for myself.

And, so far so good. I guess. I mean, I guess the GOAL is to deconstruct reality and rebuild it. I have to unravel in order to reravel, etc etc so I guess going nuts is the desired effect?? I want to "clear my mind" and spend this time NOT eating "figuring myself out". Oh yeah, and resetting my palate.


And I'm not just off meat/diary (and in the next couple of days, all food in general)... I'm off men for a good while too. I think I need to figure a lot of things out.

I think I have my faculties back (& FYI neurotoxins suck and I am officially too old for this kind of thing)

It's been a week since the neurotoxins entered my body and I'm getting back to normality. The paralysis in my right hand is a lot better, so that I can do everything (well, nearly everything) that I'm accustomed to.

During the first few days I experienced imbalance while walking, temperature regulation issues, weakness, and dehydration, but mental fogginess was the most annoying symptom of the ciguatera. I had this vague sense of deep loss and it was really depressing (depression, another supposed symptom). Having discussions with my friends, typing/using the internet, dressing myself, cooking/housework, and just any kind of making sense at all were all REALLY difficult for a few days. But we've all pitched in concerted efforts to make sure I will regain whatever part of my brain was destroyed.

Since the poisoning, I've taught myself to drive my new manual transmission car, have been going to the beach, reading a lot, exercising, and playing scrabble almost daily. If this is rehabilitation, I think I like it.

But this whole thing is sort of ironic and sad. I, of all people, champion the deliciousness of all the little creatures of the sea. I am a huge sushi fan (yes, the raw kind). Eel, squid, octopus, mussels, and conch all sound like dinner to me, every day of the week. And now I am supposed to abstain from seafood (as well as caffeine, nuts, and alcohol) for a few months, to ensure that I don't have a resurgence of cigua-terror.

But you know what I think? A life without seafood (or coffee, nuts, and liquor) is a life hardly worth living.

Mester Morel shan't have gone to hell

Oh no... hell might be too tidy an end.

Instead, he should have paid for his (fictional) transgressions by first being fed aquatic neurotoxins that would leave him retching and grasping for sanity, and then he should have to lay down in the FUMC's wasp-y morning car circle for luxury car after luxury car to use as a speed bump.

Ok, maybe that's too violent. Well then, the lovely wives who wear diamonds in the morning, blonde and beautiful, tan and incredibly fit, could look down in disdain and he would be in HELL.


ANYWAYS, can you tell I'm reading Sons and Lovers (D.H. Lawrence)??? This book has been in my collection for so long, it has both my name and James' name in the front cover. And if you have to ask who James is and why his name is in the front cover of my book, well, then you haven't known me more than a decade.

I sometimes wonder if I did the wrong thing by breaking up with him. I think he would have been true to me, I think he would have stood by me when I wasn't blonde enough, or Protestant enough, and so on, but I would have been relegated to raising my children out of the back of our green and white VW bus.

Wow, I feel so old and frumpy and PLAIN all of a sudden.

Do I need to put on my diamond earrings and go to the gym or something?

damn it

I am already having a hard time sticking to my resolve on this. After a day stuck inside texting with Krebs and trying to do homework, but not feeling productive, I have low low self thoughts.

Which is dumb because I'm having really good looking day. And I took a vitamin.

I foresee a tough road ahead with this whole compassionate acceptance thing.

TRUE: There is no one I'd rather be in a relationship with than BC.
TRUE: I can change my mind about accepting this missing-in-action thing he does at any time.
TRUE: This only sucks SO much because I'm focusing on it!

If you could only ask your partner for ONE thing

One condition.


Nobody's said I can't ask for two or ten or twenty things, but the one I've asked for means a lot to me (and surprisingly, it's not undying love or faithfulness).

"Promise me that if you ever have a problem with me you tell me".


Maybe

"Promise me you won't see Death Cab in Orlando with a girl friend" might have been a good one, but I took my chances. Damn it.

putting it all on the line

For the past day and a half, I've wondered what was up with Billy. To tell you the truth, I still don't know.

But I heard from him last night (so it's not the hospital, jail, or rehab) and he said he's not doing so great right now, that it has nothing to do with me, and that we'll chat later. And he apologized for leaving me hanging. [Tell me, how did he manage to assuage my bristled spirit with only 3 short lines of text? I don't know, but he did.]

This is part bittersweet and part relief; something is NOT well with him and that makes me incredibly sad, because I care. Everyone has heartache, and I have seen the dark shadow that outlines his bright, luminescent true self. And I don't mean that in a bad way; we all have that dark shadow traveling with us.

So here is me putting it all out there, even though he might break up with me when we talk later (I'm no longer expecting that, but technically it's POSSIBLE):

I still believe in love, trust, hope, romance, and truth. Sure, Tom put me through the wringer, and someone else I associated closely with (and would have been good to, all the days of my life) treated me badly. And if Billy is going to go from A+ boyfriend to just a memory in such a short span of time, that's going to be alright eventually too.

I don't care how much risk there is! I don't care if you all laugh at me, ridicule my choices, all of the times I give someone the benefit of the doubt and that person disappoints.

I don't care what you say. There IS something special about driving home with someone and singing together, and even when you get there, you take another loop through the neighborhood because your mate has started the song over, so you can both sing through it a second time, together.

I feel like a dork about this

So, Mr. C and I have had some nice heart to heart talks about life/relationships/thoughts/the future/etc.

And, we've seen each other about 5 times as much as Helen and Sam have in the past two weeks.

And, he spent both Fri and Sat night here.

And our time together is very nice, I'd say.


But I'm freaking out right now. It's totally stupid but I can't stop feeling like it was all a misunderstanding, a mistake. I don't know WHY he's interested. It doesn't make sense.


Hey- did you know I married my ex when I was 20 years old, I did it because I was certain (100% certain) that no other man could possibly EVER be attracted to me. So I married him, because I figured "What the hell, this is my only chance."

And when I split from Harry, it was with full knowledge that I might never be with someone again as long as I lived. WHY am I so dramatic about this stuff?? Clearly I have been with people since I left him, and on a purely physical, 'no attachments' level I get it. I understand. All humans have physical needs.

But Mr. C has been talking the (monogamy) talk and walking (very close to) the (L-word) walk. So, why am I afraid that it's over because he's been MIA by phone for just a handful of hours?

Well, we had plans to go to Chris and Sum's for a BBQ this evening and he was all into it. And then he left here to go home and take a shower around noon, intending to come back after which we'd head to party with my friends. Instead I got a text that said I should head over there, and he'd probably meet me there. Then a little while later, another that said "Talking to dad important".

My friend Ryan's gf just broke up with him last night, BY TEXT.

That's not what's happening here, is it?

this blogging life

Sometimes I try to be funny or cute or witty.

Tonight, I'm just feeling serious and nervous and pensive.


I did make a perfect 100% on my first trig test of the year (re-taking the class, though) and I did make the most dastardly delicious dinner humankind has ever laid eyes on, but I'm still feeling solemn.


Life can be serious, sometimes, and it'd be good to have a hand to hold. Hellllllennnnnn!!!! Come downstairs!

video clip

I can't even tell you how this feels. Watching this brief and wordless event makes me feel like I've been granted with a second coming-of-age. My roommate and I are still marveling at it all.

You see, we were 17 when George W. was elected the first time, and it was awful to feel so powerless.

And then, 9/11, and the subsequent "reign of terror", erupted on us when we were 18.
I lost all hope for the future for a little while. The Patriot Act was too reminiscent of Orwell's 1984. And I was so guilty of thought-crime. We were careful on telephones. We were terrified, because of the insanity we were living with.

I made sure to get out and vote, though, in both the local and national elections. And I cried when he was re-elected. As the 2008 election neared, we feared W's insanity would result in a cancellation of the election (in the interest of 'national security', of course).

However, Helen pointed out this week that as the years went on it became more and more apparent that he wasn't that crafty or maniacal, just dumb.

I feel so thankful for this new chapter that has begun, even though things are scarier now than they were 8 years ago.

Oh, WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME Obama family! And bon voyage, Dubya.

the one about the thing I have to get done

I may have underestimated my ability to bite off more than I can chew.

I am a little swamped right now, just with all the basic, fundemental requirements of life; I just took the recycling to my car, and it is mountainous. Now, tommorrow morning I have to remember to give myself enough time drop it off. How likely do you think that is? And later, I'm going to babysit the babies who live next door for a couple of hours, in 'sacred reciprocity' with my neighbor, who will be watching the kids on Monday evenings when I go to SPC for a couple of hours.

Laundry and grocery shopping(by bike) is a good idea for the weekend, too, since now I live life working and going to school, diurnally, Monday through Friday. It's incredibly regular, but at the same time, for me- unusual. I'd gotten used to going to school a couple of nights a week (still do tht, actually), and working the other nights of the week.

It's not all work and no play; we also have plans to go to a birthday party and out to breakfast with my mom. I need to make and print out my flyer for the Critical Mass
ride.

Also, this coming week is going to be really interesting at school. I have an exam in Trig of graphing of trigonometric things. Some of it is easy to me, but some of it I haven't the slightest clue about. To be specific, it's the tan and cot waves...

And I have an exam in Chem which covers vast quanities of information to be memorized. I'm not exaggerating much; VAST QUANTITIES.
In addition of requiring the flexibility of an acrobat with dimensional analyses, the exam is going to also call upon our nomenclature skills. And I have no nomenclature skills!

Wish me luck. I really really want all A's. I haven't felt like that in a long time, it's sort of amazing. Today, I discovered that I have 71 credits. Sort of unbelievable, right?

Thankfully, both kids are enjoying school and that helps give me the time to work and go to class during the day. I do wish I didn't have Chem M/W evenings, because I already have Am. History on Tuesday nights, but the Chem lecture is short, which is cool, and Dr. Herod is hot in a NOT nerdy way, for whatever THAT's worth. Seriously, he's hot. Probably late 30's. [I'm sick, I know.]

Oh, yeah, and I decided it's also about time to write a few letters to representatives, about the stuff that's going on. It's only right. Like the recycling (up to my eyeballs).

Since I'm REALLY NOT in the mood to recount the story of the bet I lost (argh!! Shel Silverstein!!), and and how I got my car back last night, instead I will blog to you as I watch Palin's speech online. No, I didn't see it televised. I am watching it right now, right this very minute.


min 5- Will the audience ever stop screaming and clapping, and let her get a word in edgewise?

min 10- Damn, she is likeable. The comment about special needs families needing a friend in the White House moves me to shed a tear.

min 14- Oh, I just joined PTA! Man, I just wish this woman (who is so likeable) and who seems to support my right to have guns (woohoo! yes, I'm a "bad" liberal) didn't want to take away MY right to choose (a safe and legal abortion on MY terms). Both of those things seem like inalienable rights to me.

min 15- Ooh, a liberal just got removed from the convention room, lol! I didn't see what happened.

min 18- I feel enamoured by her line about the duty of politicians to leave the country better than they found it. That is sort of my way of approaching everything. I like the bit about going to the White House with a "servant's heart".

min 22- Oh, yes. Back to the oil-talk. She makes herself sound like one of the good guys. I am scratching my head now.

min 25- How about we become energy self sufficient by FIRST reducing use and then by drilling to meet the need that remains? There's an idea.

min 28- Shit. Am I a Republican? I also agree with Palin that the government needs to be smaller, with all the unnecessary nonsense weeded out. I am 100% for programs that BENEFIT Americans (ie; Medicaid, foodstamps, Pell grants) but how, in good conscience, can taxes be spent on bureaucracy that gets in between the people and the resources intended for them?

min 34- Feeling conflicted. Feeling confused. Feeling torn. Why is it that I am so misrepresented by every candidate. Who is the one that represents me?? No, I'm not a Dem, I've always been staunchly NON partisan, however I don't see a smart candidate meets me on the issues that matter most to me are environmental and economic responsibility, equality (yes, I mean gay marriage), truth, and protecting personal freedoms.

min 40- More applause. I'm going to go have a bowl of cereal now, as I ponder this.

do I have anecdotes?

Hmm.

My chem lab partner is a well dressed, smart-mouthed, adorable asian kid. I'm guessing Cambodian. The (slightly) younger students all seem to stick out that way to me, though. You know, the ones I'm talking about, right?

Half of them have fresh faces, and futures in sororities and fraternities. My new lab partner is one of those boys ;-) The other half of the younger students tend to be the ones who come in to their morning math classes drunk or in pajamas (NO).



After chem lab, I had an interview for one of the student employment jobs (the math office one).


Ooh, and there were free sandwiches and water bottles on campus today, as a welcome back sort of thing. They even had whole wheat bread :-)


Also, Core had her first real school experience today, and I think it went well. She told me a few little things about her day, but not too much yet. I was really nervous because she "homeschooled" last year, which for us meant exploring history, art, science, and other cultures... I knew my child was not going to blow them away in the reading and writing dept.

Sorry, is that bad to say? Just being honest. She's lucky she can print her name and sound out words, and trust me, it was a laborious task to get her that far. And I worked with struggling kindergardeners and first graders last year and the year before, so I had some idea of what I was trying to accomplish, too.

But, I am very optimistic. I feel like being in a structured environment will definately propell her on the path towards real literacy.

I'm clearly a novice

So, those of you who have been there/done that with dating... how long is the indeterminable period, now? How much time is "normal" to pass between last night and the next time I hear from him?

Just to put things in perspective, Tom was texting me again just minutes after our first few real dates, and we all know how BADLY that ended, so I'm certainly not saying I want anyone to follow suit.

I'm just worried now that I got it all wrong.

SC and I had a fun night. Well, I had fun, and he said he did. I know, I'm all doubts sometimes. And then he said that line that is tv cliche for 'you will never hear from me again'... "I'll call you".

Just so you can be as confused as me, I will add that he made a point of doing the touching my arm thing in conversation, and he was actually asking me questions about myself (I did ask him things too, when I got that chance). When the subject of the beach came up, he literally said he wants to go with me (yes, even though I'm all inked up, haha).

Perhaps it's silly to agonize over any of this he said/I said stuff, but I have something to say that is going to rock your world:

Guys lie.

Please, contain yourselves. I know it's horrid and shocking.

In the past year or so, I have seen and heard it all. And I'm talking about situations where the guy didn't have to lie. I have grown wary.