Layin' Low

I've been getting things in order here, waiting for the (inevitable?) maelstrom that comes with a full time and then some course load.

Did I tell you that GPAs start anew when you transfer in to USF? I know!!!

I can have a 4.0 :D

I applied for a pretty decent sounding job today, but if I get it, I'll have to drop down to full time status, instead of full time plus. Which is fine. Whatever. If I get it, cool. If not, hopefully the person who does needs it more than I do.


But I'm just at home alone today, listening to music, cleaning, menu planning (healthy eating doesn't just HAPPEN. you have to make it work), and still more cleaning. No gym today. Bike ride, instead...

summer essentials for those without televisions

My bike is looking particularly smug today, with new fenders, grip tape, tubes, and tune up. And a couple of smart looking pannier bags. Helen and I reflected last night on how strange it was that I went from riding 50 miles/week to Not At All. I can only blame my own laziness to have the tune up/repairs made.

Speaking of cycling, Le Tour has started. Did you happen to catch any of the time trials on Saturday? I was at my friend's house so I got to actually see as Cancellara took the yellow jersey for the first stage, and Lance Armstrong's time was pushed back to tenth or so.

I'm t.v.-less here at home but there letour.fr for updates. It's just really a lot more interesting watching live video than reading the live updates.

And did I mention here how I've been meeting my mom for tennis lately? (she's REALLY good by the way, and considering how she's more than twice my age... yeh) And my tennis gear fits in my pannier bags, lol. Who's enjoying all of this Free Unstructured Time?

I stand in awe of this man (and his project)

At SPC, I had a really really great boss.

(So great, I'd rather answer a phone by chirping "Mr. Hemme's office, how can I help you?" than any other way.)

And not only did he manage the (surprisingly tumultuous) Math and Science Departments with calm fairness and a steady hand, he carried a dream inside of him like a tiny lit coal.

Ok, maybe that seems like too much fluff, but we are talking about a middle aged man with a wife, house, career, bills, cars, a son in college, "responsibilities", and all the other trappings of life in the USA. And he IS LIVING HIS DREAM: TO RIDE HIS BICYCLE ACROSS THE NATION. Yes, instead of watching cable.

And I hear so many people muse about what they would do if only...

I do it, too

I was at school and work all day today, am home now listening to music, and I am just LOATH to leave it. I made a cup of coffee, I have homework to do, and the house needs cleaning. Harry's going to be in CA for a week starting tomorrow, so I'm going to have the kiddos NONSTOP, therefore this is my chance to get the housework done.

Oh, yeah, here's the point of this ramble: I also have a trig class I'm "supposed" to be at in 30 minutes. Ha, right.

I'd ride the bike (4.2 miles up hill) to get there, but because of the traffic lights and what not, that takes 30 minutes, and my rear tube needs replacing. Bullet's shop might still be open, so I can take it over there, but I'd have to do that now, and then by the time it's done, my class will be over. (I've got a real problem with time management, apparently)

I have no car, so I can't just drive. I could take the bus to school, however then my bike won't ever get to the shop!


To Bullet's! (I think... coffee first?)

adventure day

Oh, mystery! And finding our personal rhythms.

[Ugh, the U is feeling weird on my keyboard, sort of thick and slow.]


So, last night I rode home from school/work/school and tossed myself onto the living-room floor like a dead fish. I know at least a couple of you reading this have seen my dead fish move; it's hot, I know. Helen and I HAD had plans to cook dinner together and then do French manicures, but we both ended up in our bedrooms doing the alone thing. And I really needed it.

Don't misunderstand- I love my roommate and I utterly enjoyed seeing so much of Bill this week, but I have become adjusted to my own time-space continuum. I'm just not a clingy type girl, I suppose? And a night sans enfants is the perfect chance to catch up reading blogs, doing chores I don't want to do when I have company over, etc.

Funny enough, my alone night ended up very closely resembling the Tues night-in we shared this week; I got cozy in bed pretty early in the night and watched funny stuff until my stomach hurt from laughing so much. The difference? I did have more space to stretch out in, but I missed his legs nestled against mine.

Anyways, things are new enough in the relationship that we are still exploring the lay of the land and finding our rhythm. After a couple of days without talking/texting, and laying in my bed missing his laughter mingling roundly with mine, I sent him a little one, just saying hi.

A few exchanged in the ten minutes after that, and we decided to spend some time together tonight, but I have no clue as to what/when. I decided to leave it up to him a bit, and he said he'd call with more info.

In the meantime (since I'm so keen on hanging out with myself), I'm thinking about going out in pursuit of food; I happen to have a coupon for one free entree at a local restaurant. I'm hungry but starting to feel tired of riding every day with no car option for chilly night outings. It's not a physical tiredness, it's more psychological. I have to hold myself steeled to the fact that any moment a car can wipe my slate clean when I'm riding. No matter how careful or visible, complete obliteration is a real possibility. And all I want is some dinner!



---EDIT--- I ended up walking around some hilly parts of Clearwater with my friend Mike. After a good walk, we were eating potatoes and drinking beer (practicing for St. Patrick's day??), which was way funner than my original prospect of riding in the dark, alone.

nearly two weeks w/o a car

Well, without a car of my own. I've gotten a few rides.


I am loving riding my bike for nearly everything; school/work, errands, fun. Logging bunches of miles and I feel great. At the end of the first week, my calves were crampy and my cycle started a few days early from the physical strain. But have I EVER felt more alive? More free? I would live like this all of time, except it puts pressure on friends and family a bit, and I don't want to do that for an extended period of time.


Getting the kids to/from school has been the major issue, so thankfully their grandma and dad have been helping with pick ups and drop offs (coming from Dunedin and Pinellas Park, respectively, to do so). I'm still seriously considering a trail-a-bike, though, but I'm not sure if Conner's reliable enough to not fall off- he's 3.

seems like all good stories start with two monks that went walking

How timely that we're covering Buddhism in my World Religions class; I've been needing to reaffirm my philosophies lately. Yes, I know suffering is caused by desire. I know that is the nature of living, and I accept it, but I still haven't perfected the Middle Way, between self denial and self indulgence. This whole "my car is DEAD" thing could have bothered me more, but I barely broke a sweat. I just accept it as an event, a chance to ride my bike more, walk more, and spend more time at home organizing and whatnot. It's not too hard for me to let go of material things I already have when the time comes, but it has taken practice (which was painful at the time). It all just disintegrates, anyways. It's pure physics.

The buying of a new car, however, is fraught with potential-anguish-pitfalls. Desire leads to suffering. Maybe that sad feeling I have inside when I think about the gorgeous Acura that I saw on craigslist and decided was MEANT FOR ME (but sold while I was on my way over to test drive it) is a good example of this; that car carries with it a certain amount of status, that I now feel like I can't attain. I desired that particular car and I am disappointed. That sadness manifested itself through a snowball of childish, covetous thoughts and behaviors; wanting to feel important, wanting to take Helen for a ride in my mom's car before returning it (to impress?), stopping impulsively for ice cream, checking my phone a million times to see if I got a reply to a certain text message. The end feeling to all of this was depression! At least I saw it coming.

Aside from shiny cars, only personal-life stuff is freaking me out right now. I can't help but fear that Bill isn't in fact being genuine about how he feels, because that's apparently what Brian was up to. And Tom.

But a new acquaintance told me a cool story of two monks who went walking, and it really helped. Moral of the story: let it go, and keep walking.

Two traveling monks reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the monks hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.

As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"

"Brother," the second monk replied, "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."

do you know my ex? OR why good fathers do single mothers a disservice

I was riding home from Borders tonight (completed 9 miles today), in the frigid cold, and I was thinking about stuff. I come up with a lot of things to write when I'm bike riding and alone. The train of thought goes to interesting places sometimes.

Tonight, I was thinking about school stuff, about those internships, and about field school. And about WHERE I am going to get the majority of my anthro coursework done. I really DO still want to go to UWF in Pensacola, but I tell myself constantly that it's just not possible. I can't uproot my kids and move them to north FL, can I?? Besides, how could I be a full time student in a town where I have no relatives to help with childcare AND manage my kids, day in and day out, with no respite?

Last week was a sort of rough week here. Work was busy and school started again, so I guess it's not unusual that I was tired. But, since the kids go to their dad's house a few nights each week (remember, we do 50/50 custody), I have frequent breaks. I have no excuse for wanting to be alone when they are here. NO EXCUSE.

But I found myself half wishing that I could just have a moment of peace. And my kids really get that. I say, "FOR GOODNESS SAKES. Can you go upstairs if you're going to play so loudly?!" and "Why don't you both go play outside and get some fresh air?" and I have them eat in the kitchen, and I'll sit elsewhere, just so I can eat as I have become accustomed to in their absence; with no drama about tomatoes or fights to break up. I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

So, that's just it. I've become soft, apparently. I'm no longer the heavy duty mom-machine I once was, hardened by day in and day out consistency and sleepless nights (no, no, my sleepless nights are for my own benefit NOW, haha).

I certainly always love them, and I work my ass off keeping them happy, clean, fed, etc, worrying about their futures, bringing glasses of water at bedtime, examining the color of their mucous... But when push comes to shove and I'm threatening to "stop this car right now, because both of you are getting a spanking" I can fall back on the fact that they are going to daddy's house and I won't have to deal with this crap until tomorrow.

And, Harry's such a damn good parent. I've felt jealous of him in this regard before. For example, when Core was teeny. She was just a little thing, a newborn, and I was all nerves. I didn't know how to do anything with a baby, and had to learn everything 'on the job', so to speak. But nothing phased him. Never once did he come to me in a panic saying, "I don't know, does she look... funny to you? Is she breathing normally?" [Seriously, I did that. One night, he was at work and I swore she was dying. I tried to count her breaths and take her pulse, but it was really hard because she was 4 weeks old.]

But, really, he handled it all so well. Conner was born right into Harry's hands. Harry even changed a few diapers and fed a few bottles, although baby-care was generally my arena (since I stayed at home with the kids). Tantrums in the grocery store at 18 months, potty training, nothing phases him. And now that they're older, he's even better at parenting.


You must think I am counting my lucky stars about this (and I frequently do), but right now, I'm sort of wondering WHY he couldn't have been one of those lousy dads. If he was, if I knew it was just me and my babies in the cold hard world it would be a lot easier to be a better mom. There would simply be no other choice.

But knowing that I am not the stronger parent gives me room to slack off a bit. I'm still doing car circle drop offs and pick ups, I still have tiny little socks in my laundry, and I still put juice boxes and cheese sticks ahead of white wine on the grocery shopping list, but all the while, I'm walking in a world of daydreams, like I am one 6 year old's temper tantrum away from running off to study human remains, and to eat my breakfast in peace and quiet.

everyone's on board for 'clean living' right now

It's the last minute rush to make a move on '09, so January 1st is less traumatic, sans the alcohol/smoking/coffee/etc.

So, what do you think? Time for my annual speech about how resolving to fix yourself in time for the ficticious clean slate is antithetical, blah blah blah?

Sorry, I'm skipping that speech this year. Besides, I myself seem to be joining the ranks, albeit for a different reason. It's not calendrical for me; I've had a health scare and I want to turn things around, and make my health a priority. This is something I am going to do, day in and day out, and I started this past week, along with millions of others, turning over a greener leaf.

ANYWAYS.
Shannon asked her readers, "what do you predict?" (for 2009) and I like that twist.


As far as my future, I will be a full time student through the spring, living healthy, applying to internships, spending time with friends and family, and traveling.

I'm wishing we could get back to homeschooling, but it's not going to work out while I'm a single mom, so for the time being, it's "on hold".


Continuing our composting/garden project IS, however, on the agenda. For living in an apartment/townhouse, I'd say we are doing pretty well with the gardens. The front yard has some edibles, and the back is our plumeria tree garden and the staging area for seedlings. It's also where we compost (around the base of our oak tree), and boy is our pile healthy. The turn-around rate is averaging 1-2 weeks, and the soil coming out of there is rich, compared to the crappy sand that was all we had before.

The coolest thing is finding seedlings IN the compost pile. This week, I've pulled 4 strong little pumpkin plants out, and potted them, until they are ready to go in the ground. Check it out.






Oh, I'm also currently writing a song on the piano (even though I'm not much of a musician) and maybe it will be finished at some point in time.

I also hope to tie up some loose legal ends I've got flapping in the breeze, find Kerry and Cody's dvd on fascism, and study up on Sioux and Omaha nations circa 1881 and 1882, for some work I might be doing over the summer at the Smithsonian. The position sounds perfect for me; research assistant/detective, studying old photographs and putting them into historical context.

I can't sleep

I think I've got a little bit of a fever.

But that's not very interesting...


Guess what? I get to keep my job in the new year; it's official. Woohoo, for not being unemployed!


My new office is pretty great, but the coolest thing about the new building is that it HAS SHOWERS in the downstairs bathrooms.

No joke. Bill Hemme, my boss, an avid commuter-cyclist pointed this feature out to me, but I had noticed it before anyone had a chance to say anything, thinking that it will indeed be possible to ride to work as the weather heats back up in the spring.

If only I could find one of these, then I could take the kids to school (one at a time, but it would work, Cora gets dropped off at 8:30, Conn at 9:00, and my house is in between their schools), and then head out myself for school/work.

Santa, I've been an awfully good girl...

house-hunting, a brief tutorial

First, gather equal parts: great weather, 2 bikes, a cell phone, and your roommate.


Secondly, ride through your (chosen) neighborhood. This is easiest when you already live in the neighborhood you want to house-hunt in.


Thirdly, keep an eye out for the features that appeal to you, and call the phone numbers posted on the dozens of "for rent" signs you pass that seem worthwhile. I happen to already have a favorite "fun route" through my neighborhood, which takes me past the houses with the prettiest gardens, coolest architectural designs, and most charming front doors, so I just follow that route.

I <3 this thing

It was brought to my attention that I hadn't yet posted pics of the new bike...







NOT my hand in the picture; I snagged these from my friend. I realize my laziness comes across very well in moments like these.

looks like fun

I went all the way to Orlando, and all I got was this...

(actually very nice) tee shirt! It says "Keep It Wheel", hee hee.

No, seriously, it was a complete surprise to me.

Tee shirts were handed out for first, second, and third place, as well as "dead last" and "fell flat on his face". I got the prize for donating extra food. Woo! Not dead last, and I didn't fall on my face!! :D

And actually, that's not all I got. I got to spend time doing something for a good cause, socializing with people I'm newly acquainted with, meeting some new people, having a great time riding (the weather was amazing, the food at Etho's was really good, and we all drank beer and hung out for a while after the race).

Oh, but folks, thats not the end of the story.

There's a MORAL to this tale.

A girl I know offered to drive, and I took her up on her offer. NOTE: I would have been fine driving myself. I have a bike rack on my car for this very purpose.

We agreed that we'd be coming home that same day. NOTE: I had agreed to go to those parties because I was going to be coming home Saturday evening.

After several additional factors came into play, she made a split-second-cross-4-lanes-of-interstate-traffic to drive to SOME GUY'S house in Orlando, some guy she doesn't even really know that well, and who was a complete stranger to me, announcing that she was not, in fact, driving me back to Pinellas Co. as planned.

I was actually almost relieved she wasn't driving, because her road rage had came out of hiding to the point where she was being extremely agressive, not to mention rude, to other cars, and even pedestrians (all with the bikes on the back of her SUV)!

She had decided we could "crash there" because she was too exhausted and hungry to go home.

However, I had no intention of staying there. I offered to drive (she said no), I suggested we stop for food and coffee (she was not interested), until I finally started calling madly for train/bus info, but by this time, all the ticket offices were closed.

NOTE: I could have gotten a ride with any number of people from Etho's, if I had known she'd flip out... Many of them live over this way, and were driving back, too.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: I could have purchased a Greyhound bus or train ticket right there in downtown Orlando if I had known!

I was livid, to say the least.


Anyways, my bike and I did make it back home last night, thanks to the timeless strength of the bonds of friendship. My roommate called a friend in Orlando who came and rescued me and brought me back here, in exchange for our couch to sleep on, and my promise to make breakfast.


Moral of the story: don't go to Orlando with someone you don't implicitly trust.

flying

No, first off, I'm not running off to Korea, not just yet. But just the same, I am flying, in a way. Maybe that's the drugs talking. See what happens when you put a painkiller in me? It kills the pain, makes it ALL go AWAY.

Suddenly, I have a strange and frightening deep empathy for He Who Shall Not Be Named (and you know I don't read Harry Potter, so it's not that bad guy, I mean that other bad guy). It's just true that waking up having no recollection of the previous evening is only disturbing if you dwell on it; if, instead, you are dwelling on the spine-tinglingly beautiful and the aesthetically... um, what was I saying? Argh, my attention span!

Assuming we are similarly afflicted, go do s o m e t h i n g while you listen to this heart-breakingly beautiful song... The "big city, little town" hook is how I feel about here, my self professed home base. Oh, and I'm fairly certain a well-meaning fan made this video, and I thought for a moment that it'd also be heart-breakingly beautiful, until it dawned on me that the opening IS the whole video. What a shame.



-- Wait -- Are you thinking "what painkillers?" and "what's going on?"...

I forgot to fill you in on some details.


I was going to write a whole blog about how lucky I feel and how life is precious and fragile and about awareness and fear and preseverance. And then my painkillers kicked in and I could smile.

My face is NOT broken. I intend to keep on riding. The RUDE_ASS driver of the white pick up truck did not kill me. My new bike is ok. I flipped over my handlebars for the first time ever, and I hit the pavement teeth first. I took to it like a duck to water.

That was Thursday night. I had the right of way, I was riding conscientiously, I had TWO lights on my bike and a (practically neon) green hoodie sweatshirt on. A truck wanted to turn, so it invoked the "bigger, stronger" clause and did so, after making eye contact with me. Unfortunately, I had some speed and had the right of way, so stopping was a bit of a surprise, as was tasting the road. My bike hit me on the back of the head, my quart of yogurt exploded in my messenger bag, the truck sped off into the distance.

Did you know that this past Wednesday night, in St. Pete, a 20 year old, who had gone to Clearwater High with some of my friends, died? He was riding his bike (with two lights on it) and was struck by a Jeep. The St. Pete Times gave it all of 50 words and mostly just pointed out that he had not been wearing a helmet and that the driver just was not aware of his presence on the road. Oh, and that no charges had been filed.

This is not just upsetting to me, this is UPSETTING. After my 'incident' I was shaken up and worried about what I'd look like with no front teeth. And then I thought about what I could have done differently. And about how to prevent this sort of thing. And about how if I had been going a little bit faster, I'd be dead.

my first Skirts ride

This week I had a night off from my Tuesday class, so I headed downtown and met up with some girls about my age who like bikes. That's not all they like; there's other stuff too; art/writing/reading, tattoos, philanthropy, fun, drinking, baking, oh yeah, and bikes.


We rode a northernly route around St. Pete. At around mile 5 I felt weak and like it was all a bad idea. By mile 7 I had my shit together and was loving life.

My new friend, Indi, and I chatted non-stop as we pumped out hearts out, certainly not leading the pack, but arriving at the ending point around the same time as the others, ready to sit down for some brainstorming re: upcoming events.

In all, about 15 miles.

let's clear this up,once and for all

Sure, I sometimes come across as a freaky semi-socialist, but I promise you:

I'm bipartisan.


I'll hug your elephant, if you kiss my ass.

Naw, seriously, I'm nonpartisan. But despite my utter disdain for the party system, there is something to be said for men who work themselves ragged on political campaigns. It's sexy. (Like Lewis and Clark exploring the American West, but hopefully with less mental illness.)

Just like being a philanthropic genius Jew. Alright, can you tell somebody's got a crush? lol.

Ok, next topic!

No one could ever say Brian is a bad friend (even if he did make me cry yesterday!). We went to our appointment at Mean Machine and because of MY gaff (and Harry's issue with picking up the kids at the appointed hour), Brian couldn't get tattooed, although Tom Kiernan was adament to still do mine. I felt so guilty and awful. Just AWFUL. The kicker is that in addition to coming out to Oldsmar (might as well be Egypt) and watching, Brian brought me a new BIKE :) New to me, anyways. And he brought tools and his work-stand.

I'm a happy girl, today, but I feel I don't deserve it.

Pictures to come, I promise.

it's official

With the coming time change and my hectic school schedule, I just could not do a week-night. 2nd Sunday of the month it is! I'm thinking 4-6pm.

We will be leaving from St Petersburg College (Drew St & Old Coachman Rd), and riding, west, through Clearwater. Expect to cover about 8-10 miles roundtrip, our pace depends on the turnout. By that, I mean that if people show up who wanna ride more leisurely, they are welcome to join us. If it's all speed-demons, I'm personally down for that, too.

reality that you can feel... in your quadriceps

So, a couple of weeks ago, Brian suggested that I ride with him and the rest of the Bicycle Outfitters crew, from the shop to the Bike Bash event at Vinoy Park, in downtown St. Pete. I was sorta on the fence about riding there; not because I didn't want to try a longer ride than I'm used to (in fact, that's exactly what I was ready for), but because I was worried about being the slowest/least skilled person going.

Not to mention it would require getting up at 5 am on a Sunday.

But don't worry- I decided to go anyways, and I am SO glad that I did. Getting up while it was still dark was actually fun, it made the day feel more exciting than a normal day (or was that my nervousness, maybe?). The stars and the moon were just gorgeous Sunday morning, and the weather was brisk enough that I got to don a cozy hooded sweater as we headed out for a quick cup of coffee and over to the bike shop.

Some parts of the ride were really intense for me. There are several overpasses with pretty steep climbs which required some concentration on my part. I love pushing myself past my boundaries, though. It's exhilarating, and the adrenaline-high is impeccable once your end point is visible.

Seriously, there was a moment on the way there (somewhere in the municipality of Gulfport) that I started to doubt my ability to make it all the way there. And then, like magic, a few minutes later the pain went away, and a few minutes after that, we could suddenly see the Trop' and, to me, that means downtown. Riding past it, and down towards the water, my utter joy and satisfaction probably made me look like a fool, but I didn't care.

The bay, so blue and choppy. The wind, so crisp. Palm trees. Puppies. Perfection.

Then, to my surprise, Brian whipped up a hot and nutritious campstove breakfast, to top off the killer moment.

And, can you believe this: Not only were we the first to arrive, Bicycle Outfitters was the only bike shop that set up for this event without the aid of motorized vehicles- total bike power. The caravan of riders not only got there, but got there with bike trailers and panniers loaded with tents, merchandise, tools, and gear!



Here's the Bicycle Outfitters set up, early in the day



A mellow cyclist enjoying the weather, complete with a beer and flip flops, though they didn't make it into the picture


The Skirts, a cool bicycling group for girls!


A little boy on his dad's Xtracycle... I'm so ready to ditch the car circle for good. All I need is an Xtracycle!


Brian, showing off his Surly Longhaul Trucker, while someone from the co op explains bike touring



And here's a video of the event, courtesy of Jack, from bikecommuters.com