What fun is living if you can't make rules and then ditch them, right?
Sigh. Actually, I didn't intend to come on here to write. I came to read. I wanted to know HOW was it that I felt 6 months ago when Billy and I broke up. Just HOW BAD was it? It was a really bad break up, wasn't it???
Because we're talking again for some reason, and he wants to hangout, and I'm sorta almost game. Partially out of curiosity (is he still the same person he was back then? does he still drive that jeep? am I going to fly into a rage and break his glasses and punch his lights out? do we still have good chemistry together?) and partially because I'm just not as resolute as I should/could be. And because I love being invited to a costume party. (and because I NEVER GET TO HAVE SEX ANYMORE<<<< ARGH)
I know. It's a bad idea. I know.
But I'm also really tired of talking to guys who don't understand standard English but brag about their intelligence/vocabularies.
I miss someone knowing me and caring and wanting. And I guess I miss being walked on a little bit, too. If I hadn't just had my fill of therapy talk from a psychology student I know, I'd say that I need some.
Showing posts with label the hotness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the hotness. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
a personal victory, ordinary run of the mill moments of clarity, & a startling IJ revelatory moment
This morning, I jumped out of bed (ok, what really happened was that I cheerily responded "Hello!" to a text that woke me up instead of the more typical "argh. do I know you?" See why for me that constitutes jumping out of bed?)ready to face my day and head to the beach.
I put on my bathing suit and checked my midrange sideways view in the small mirror of my jewelery box... and... kinda flattish tummy area. I mean, not flat flat. Not like before kids. Not like Matt V's prescribed "rock star lean abs" but people- in the past few weeks alone I have enjoyed cake and milk, several pints of beer and a hot dog, a sushi feast, more beer, ice cream with Reese's peanut butter cups smashed in for good measure, and arepas with cheese. [I also have had countless meals made solely of vegetable matter and have stopped using cream/sugar. I've worked pretty hard, in spite of the stuff I listed above (hitting the gym, riding my bike, and so on), so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, it was just a startling moment.]
In that tiny little mirror, for about an hour, I just didn't look completely pregnant. And then I had an apple for breakfast.
Also- moment of clarity for me: I don't know how to flirt anymore. Uhhh. Ok, now what? Dang.
Thirdly, for the IJ readers out there: I read a DFW quote yesterday re: the use of endnotes vs footnotes. He and his editor needed a way to shorten the original draft of the book so they hit upon the idea of weeding out some information into notes. The editor thought it would be more reader-friendly to use footnotes instead of endnotes but DFW said that the use of endnotes "cutely mimics some of the story’s thematic concerns"...
In case you don't follow, what happens when you flip to the back and then back to your page and then back to the back and then back to your page? What are you reminded of? (Answer is a good tennis rally)
Then I was ruminating on how the whole narrative seems to be a tennis rally of sorts, bouncing balls off of different topics and they keep on coming with a sick speed. And then, like that, I knew what those orbs are in the book, marking various sections... And it was so obvious (not the moon or the sun or simply just a pretty, lightly shaded circle). They are tennis balls, flying through the book. Fwap. fwap. fwap. fwap.
I put on my bathing suit and checked my midrange sideways view in the small mirror of my jewelery box... and... kinda flattish tummy area. I mean, not flat flat. Not like before kids. Not like Matt V's prescribed "rock star lean abs" but people- in the past few weeks alone I have enjoyed cake and milk, several pints of beer and a hot dog, a sushi feast, more beer, ice cream with Reese's peanut butter cups smashed in for good measure, and arepas with cheese. [I also have had countless meals made solely of vegetable matter and have stopped using cream/sugar. I've worked pretty hard, in spite of the stuff I listed above (hitting the gym, riding my bike, and so on), so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, it was just a startling moment.]
In that tiny little mirror, for about an hour, I just didn't look completely pregnant. And then I had an apple for breakfast.
Also- moment of clarity for me: I don't know how to flirt anymore. Uhhh. Ok, now what? Dang.
Thirdly, for the IJ readers out there: I read a DFW quote yesterday re: the use of endnotes vs footnotes. He and his editor needed a way to shorten the original draft of the book so they hit upon the idea of weeding out some information into notes. The editor thought it would be more reader-friendly to use footnotes instead of endnotes but DFW said that the use of endnotes "cutely mimics some of the story’s thematic concerns"...
In case you don't follow, what happens when you flip to the back and then back to your page and then back to the back and then back to your page? What are you reminded of? (Answer is a good tennis rally)
Then I was ruminating on how the whole narrative seems to be a tennis rally of sorts, bouncing balls off of different topics and they keep on coming with a sick speed. And then, like that, I knew what those orbs are in the book, marking various sections... And it was so obvious (not the moon or the sun or simply just a pretty, lightly shaded circle). They are tennis balls, flying through the book. Fwap. fwap. fwap. fwap.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I could win THAT challenge
Is there or is there not some kind of chickpea eating contest out there? I really think I'd have a shot. Oh, not quantity, sorry; I mean constancy. I could probably eat them everyday for, I don't know, 2 months? forever?
Anyways, that has nothing to do with this but I am watching a movie that Drew left with me a year and a half ago. Remember that guy, Drew, that I dated? He was the friend of one of Cassie's friends. He said, "Oh, watch this (The 40 Year Old Virgin), it's really funny!" and I couldn't bear to, for all this time.
But it took watching 'I Love You, Man' (with Jason Segal and Paul Rudd) last night to make me google Paul Rudd (because he looks JUST LIKE my future colleague, Krebs) to see what else he'd been in. And apparently he's in this movie that's been sitting on my bookshelf for almost 2 years.
And that has very little to do with this, except it's hilarious, too.
Anyways, that has nothing to do with this but I am watching a movie that Drew left with me a year and a half ago. Remember that guy, Drew, that I dated? He was the friend of one of Cassie's friends. He said, "Oh, watch this (The 40 Year Old Virgin), it's really funny!" and I couldn't bear to, for all this time.
But it took watching 'I Love You, Man' (with Jason Segal and Paul Rudd) last night to make me google Paul Rudd (because he looks JUST LIKE my future colleague, Krebs) to see what else he'd been in. And apparently he's in this movie that's been sitting on my bookshelf for almost 2 years.
And that has very little to do with this, except it's hilarious, too.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
at least I'm feeling brainy
The weeks are slipping away and graduation is nearly upon us. I have another Trig exam tomorrow night, and I'm actually really looking forward to it :)
Kind of like how training myself for taking the SATs again is turning into a game. God, I love competition, even when it's just with myself. Although, I did score a healthy 255 points in a Scrabble match against a (very) smart person last night.
But seriously, I am trying to get a perfect score on the SAT. I know, maybe that's asking a lot, but I did really well before, and I know THAT much more now ten years later. I just have to re-stretch my brain muscles and jump in.
Oh, and speaking of needing validation (I know we weren't but hey)... I'm driving Brian's truck for practice tomorrow afternoon, which is awesomely rad, but I think I need to be careful about this. There was a reason (I'm SURE of it) that I said I would never speak to him again, never see him again, and then as a final compromise, never ever hang out alone with him.
Kind of like how training myself for taking the SATs again is turning into a game. God, I love competition, even when it's just with myself. Although, I did score a healthy 255 points in a Scrabble match against a (very) smart person last night.
But seriously, I am trying to get a perfect score on the SAT. I know, maybe that's asking a lot, but I did really well before, and I know THAT much more now ten years later. I just have to re-stretch my brain muscles and jump in.
Oh, and speaking of needing validation (I know we weren't but hey)... I'm driving Brian's truck for practice tomorrow afternoon, which is awesomely rad, but I think I need to be careful about this. There was a reason (I'm SURE of it) that I said I would never speak to him again, never see him again, and then as a final compromise, never ever hang out alone with him.
Monday, March 30, 2009
I wanted there to be tiny rat guillotines in this title
But there was no better way to work that in, since I'm feeling pretty happy right now.
In the car, when it was 95 degrees and awful, I thought I'd title this one 'who knew tiny rat guillotines would be registering on the sexy-meter??' but I decided to let. it. go.
It's kind of a long tail, are you ready?
So, yesterday was completely devoted to getting that paper off the ground. I did as much as I could stand and then left for the beach. Stopped by the bf's house (his ACTUAL HOUSE folks: I think we are getting somewhere on this comes-with-the-wind kind of flakiness)to pick him up and then I pulled a bait an switch... He assumed we were just going to hang out on the beach near his house, but off we went to go meet up with some people I know (mostly friends of Cousin Sean and Kandice). It was awkward because of some odd drama Billy was privy to regarding CrazyBob (Billy's totally whack 60 yo roommate) and his estranged brother who, it turns out, is the father of one of my acquaintances, and was in attendance at this little gathering.
Was weird and really awkward. And too cold for sunning or swimming anyways, although we tried. So we left after a short while. Later that night, after I submitted my paper, Billy came over and we eased out of the awkwardness and into the night.
He played songs on the guitar and wanted me to sing, which I happily did (and loudly). We played Osho Zen. We went outside and gawked at my crazy neighbors.
And then, in the afterglow of our union (ahem), there we were- laying on the livingroom floor bed that we've grown accustomed to making on those nights when my kids are sleeping upstairs, we talked about all sorts of things (mostly about SATs and college and science). He told me a story about a girl he 'knew' once. I assumed he meant that in the biblical sense of the word, but I was certain when he brought up the lab rats.
A whole year and a half ago, I felt self conscious about the idea of dating him because I happened to know that his ex was a neuroscientist (genius??). I felt like there is just something so hot about that much intelligence, and I stopped dead in my tracks.
Well, I agreed with him that any job that includes goggles and a lab coat is pretty much the greatest thing eva. And he told me a story about his ex giving little rats pap smears and then using the tiny guillotine.
I pondered aloud what it must DO to a person, to make a living like that.
He pondered aloud, back at me, that I should be asking what it DOESN'T do to you.
In the car, when it was 95 degrees and awful, I thought I'd title this one 'who knew tiny rat guillotines would be registering on the sexy-meter??' but I decided to let. it. go.
It's kind of a long tail, are you ready?
So, yesterday was completely devoted to getting that paper off the ground. I did as much as I could stand and then left for the beach. Stopped by the bf's house (his ACTUAL HOUSE folks: I think we are getting somewhere on this comes-with-the-wind kind of flakiness)to pick him up and then I pulled a bait an switch... He assumed we were just going to hang out on the beach near his house, but off we went to go meet up with some people I know (mostly friends of Cousin Sean and Kandice). It was awkward because of some odd drama Billy was privy to regarding CrazyBob (Billy's totally whack 60 yo roommate) and his estranged brother who, it turns out, is the father of one of my acquaintances, and was in attendance at this little gathering.
Was weird and really awkward. And too cold for sunning or swimming anyways, although we tried. So we left after a short while. Later that night, after I submitted my paper, Billy came over and we eased out of the awkwardness and into the night.
He played songs on the guitar and wanted me to sing, which I happily did (and loudly). We played Osho Zen. We went outside and gawked at my crazy neighbors.
And then, in the afterglow of our union (ahem), there we were- laying on the livingroom floor bed that we've grown accustomed to making on those nights when my kids are sleeping upstairs, we talked about all sorts of things (mostly about SATs and college and science). He told me a story about a girl he 'knew' once. I assumed he meant that in the biblical sense of the word, but I was certain when he brought up the lab rats.
A whole year and a half ago, I felt self conscious about the idea of dating him because I happened to know that his ex was a neuroscientist (genius??). I felt like there is just something so hot about that much intelligence, and I stopped dead in my tracks.
Well, I agreed with him that any job that includes goggles and a lab coat is pretty much the greatest thing eva. And he told me a story about his ex giving little rats pap smears and then using the tiny guillotine.
I pondered aloud what it must DO to a person, to make a living like that.
He pondered aloud, back at me, that I should be asking what it DOESN'T do to you.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Oh, mystery! And finding our personal rhythms.
[Ugh, the U is feeling weird on my keyboard, sort of thick and slow.]
So, last night I rode home from school/work/school and tossed myself onto the living-room floor like a dead fish. I know at least a couple of you reading this have seen my dead fish move; it's hot, I know. Helen and I HAD had plans to cook dinner together and then do French manicures, but we both ended up in our bedrooms doing the alone thing. And I really needed it.
Don't misunderstand- I love my roommate and I utterly enjoyed seeing so much of Bill this week, but I have become adjusted to my own time-space continuum. I'm just not a clingy type girl, I suppose? And a night sans enfants is the perfect chance to catch up reading blogs, doing chores I don't want to do when I have company over, etc.
Funny enough, my alone night ended up very closely resembling the Tues night-in we shared this week; I got cozy in bed pretty early in the night and watched funny stuff until my stomach hurt from laughing so much. The difference? I did have more space to stretch out in, but I missed his legs nestled against mine.
Anyways, things are new enough in the relationship that we are still exploring the lay of the land and finding our rhythm. After a couple of days without talking/texting, and laying in my bed missing his laughter mingling roundly with mine, I sent him a little one, just saying hi.
A few exchanged in the ten minutes after that, and we decided to spend some time together tonight, but I have no clue as to what/when. I decided to leave it up to him a bit, and he said he'd call with more info.
In the meantime (since I'm so keen on hanging out with myself), I'm thinking about going out in pursuit of food; I happen to have a coupon for one free entree at a local restaurant. I'm hungry but starting to feel tired of riding every day with no car option for chilly night outings. It's not a physical tiredness, it's more psychological. I have to hold myself steeled to the fact that any moment a car can wipe my slate clean when I'm riding. No matter how careful or visible, complete obliteration is a real possibility. And all I want is some dinner!
---EDIT--- I ended up walking around some hilly parts of Clearwater with my friend Mike. After a good walk, we were eating potatoes and drinking beer (practicing for St. Patrick's day??), which was way funner than my original prospect of riding in the dark, alone.
So, last night I rode home from school/work/school and tossed myself onto the living-room floor like a dead fish. I know at least a couple of you reading this have seen my dead fish move; it's hot, I know. Helen and I HAD had plans to cook dinner together and then do French manicures, but we both ended up in our bedrooms doing the alone thing. And I really needed it.
Don't misunderstand- I love my roommate and I utterly enjoyed seeing so much of Bill this week, but I have become adjusted to my own time-space continuum. I'm just not a clingy type girl, I suppose? And a night sans enfants is the perfect chance to catch up reading blogs, doing chores I don't want to do when I have company over, etc.
Funny enough, my alone night ended up very closely resembling the Tues night-in we shared this week; I got cozy in bed pretty early in the night and watched funny stuff until my stomach hurt from laughing so much. The difference? I did have more space to stretch out in, but I missed his legs nestled against mine.
Anyways, things are new enough in the relationship that we are still exploring the lay of the land and finding our rhythm. After a couple of days without talking/texting, and laying in my bed missing his laughter mingling roundly with mine, I sent him a little one, just saying hi.
A few exchanged in the ten minutes after that, and we decided to spend some time together tonight, but I have no clue as to what/when. I decided to leave it up to him a bit, and he said he'd call with more info.
In the meantime (since I'm so keen on hanging out with myself), I'm thinking about going out in pursuit of food; I happen to have a coupon for one free entree at a local restaurant. I'm hungry but starting to feel tired of riding every day with no car option for chilly night outings. It's not a physical tiredness, it's more psychological. I have to hold myself steeled to the fact that any moment a car can wipe my slate clean when I'm riding. No matter how careful or visible, complete obliteration is a real possibility. And all I want is some dinner!
---EDIT--- I ended up walking around some hilly parts of Clearwater with my friend Mike. After a good walk, we were eating potatoes and drinking beer (practicing for St. Patrick's day??), which was way funner than my original prospect of riding in the dark, alone.
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