ruler breaker/heart shaker

What fun is living if you can't make rules and then ditch them, right?

Sigh. Actually, I didn't intend to come on here to write. I came to read. I wanted to know HOW was it that I felt 6 months ago when Billy and I broke up. Just HOW BAD was it? It was a really bad break up, wasn't it???

Because we're talking again for some reason, and he wants to hangout, and I'm sorta almost game. Partially out of curiosity (is he still the same person he was back then? does he still drive that jeep? am I going to fly into a rage and break his glasses and punch his lights out? do we still have good chemistry together?) and partially because I'm just not as resolute as I should/could be. And because I love being invited to a costume party. (and because I NEVER GET TO HAVE SEX ANYMORE<<<< ARGH)

I know. It's a bad idea. I know.

But I'm also really tired of talking to guys who don't understand standard English but brag about their intelligence/vocabularies.

I miss someone knowing me and caring and wanting. And I guess I miss being walked on a little bit, too. If I hadn't just had my fill of therapy talk from a psychology student I know, I'd say that I need some.

that sheepish feeling

Whatever I denote as a problem always has a way of seeming really minor and unimportant after a few days.

I do feel lucky that I have the wellbeing to cook and clean. I am thankful for the chores.

See my muscles popping as I'm turning over this leaf? Gratitude, folks.

pretty sure Fiona Apple understands stuff like this

You know, Craig Ferguson once told her during an interview that she's a "very complicated woman", but that he likes that, lol. And I think that is how I feel right now; complicated.


Remember how I said that I believe in the magic spark between two people, even though there are risks? Well, I'm here to up the ante.

Without wanting to say too much about this, I happen to actually know that Billy cares for me in quite a serious way. He has shown this to me, by saying that any flaw I may have is nothing to him if he can be with me. And sadly, I am flawed.


Tonight I had to ask Mike if anything awful had happened to Billy that would explain why he left me hanging on a Saturday night when he initiated making plans with me just yesterday. Mike's answer is that this is just who he is. That's Bill. That's who he is. He does this to "everyone", according to Mike. He simply flakes out and no one can get a hold of him from time to time regardless of their plans with him. It's part and parcel with his genius side, with his silly side, with his compassionate side, with his irreverent side, with his generous, caring side.

And somehow, as sad as it is to think this could be something I'd get used to, I'm finding myself thinking that I CAN meet him halfway on this. I'm upset at the behavior, but I miraculously still love him (and I am not an easily forgiving person!). This is his flaw and I want to do as he did with me and embrace him fully, in spite of it.

seems like all good stories start with two monks that went walking

How timely that we're covering Buddhism in my World Religions class; I've been needing to reaffirm my philosophies lately. Yes, I know suffering is caused by desire. I know that is the nature of living, and I accept it, but I still haven't perfected the Middle Way, between self denial and self indulgence. This whole "my car is DEAD" thing could have bothered me more, but I barely broke a sweat. I just accept it as an event, a chance to ride my bike more, walk more, and spend more time at home organizing and whatnot. It's not too hard for me to let go of material things I already have when the time comes, but it has taken practice (which was painful at the time). It all just disintegrates, anyways. It's pure physics.

The buying of a new car, however, is fraught with potential-anguish-pitfalls. Desire leads to suffering. Maybe that sad feeling I have inside when I think about the gorgeous Acura that I saw on craigslist and decided was MEANT FOR ME (but sold while I was on my way over to test drive it) is a good example of this; that car carries with it a certain amount of status, that I now feel like I can't attain. I desired that particular car and I am disappointed. That sadness manifested itself through a snowball of childish, covetous thoughts and behaviors; wanting to feel important, wanting to take Helen for a ride in my mom's car before returning it (to impress?), stopping impulsively for ice cream, checking my phone a million times to see if I got a reply to a certain text message. The end feeling to all of this was depression! At least I saw it coming.

Aside from shiny cars, only personal-life stuff is freaking me out right now. I can't help but fear that Bill isn't in fact being genuine about how he feels, because that's apparently what Brian was up to. And Tom.

But a new acquaintance told me a cool story of two monks who went walking, and it really helped. Moral of the story: let it go, and keep walking.

Two traveling monks reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the monks hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.

As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"

"Brother," the second monk replied, "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."

spending ample time in bed, in the neutral milk hotel

It is a truly gorgeous day. In a little while I'm sure I'll get up again and go out and enjoy the world, but for now, I'm back under the thread-count enjoying a little laptop time. It was a late night last night.

And I'm just not used to it anymore. I don't go out much these days. But after a competitive hour or two of playing Energy Quest with Helen, Bill and I were antsy.














In case you've never heard of it, Energy Quest is just like Monopoly, and just as long and drawn out... NOTE the pic of the tattered game is not mine. My game was actually still in the original shrink wrap until last night when we christened it, circa 1981.

So, anyways, we scooted over to the neighborhood pub where we happily discovered we both have a liking for whiskey (and the ever delectable Irish Car Bomb).


Anyways, I HAD had several things planned for the weekend including going out for Kimmee's birthday tonight, a date to the state fair for tomorrow, and helping my mom by keeping an eye on the mentally handicapped woman my mom is a caretaker for (she is high-functioning, works at Publix, etc, I just need to pop in and check on her several times).

Kimmee's not up to it tonight after all, I hear, and Daniel is having some family problems :-( , so we've canceled going to the fair, too. It's cool, though. I'm feeling a little worn and distracted anyways.

Besides, I'm in the mood for a longish bike ride this afternoon. Maybe I'll sail away into the sunset? :)

parenting, a trial by fire

So, during today's morning drop off I was thinking about parenting stuff. Namely, about WHO is the expert on what is best for a child? (the PARENTS, right??)

I was really tempted to call Brian to talk about this, since he and I always used to have nice parenting chats and we have very similar parenting styles. Actually, that's something I miss about him, and I don't expect to find in common with everyone I go out with from here on out. But anyways... I didn't call him. Of course not. I just kept my thoughts to myself, and drove to work in a sort of mundane way.

So, we have this issue. None of you who know me personally will be surprised...

Core gets to school a little late a lot of the time. The reasons are varied and plenty: I didn't feel it was worth fighting about, homework needed finishing, we couldn't find somebody's shoes/coat/backpack, they were really hungry and wanted 2nds on breakfast, they were really tired and I let them sleep in a bit, we all overslept accidentally, etc etc etc.

Basically, it's poor planning on my part, but I swear, even on the days when I get up a half hour before I have to get them up, even when I made breakfast the night before (I believe in a good breakfast), even when we lay clothes out the night before... something comes up, or we make it out the door at exactly the time she is supposed to BE THERE. We only live 10 minutes from her school, so it's not awful, but it's not looking so good to the office staff.

I'm trying to stay calm and just keep on reminding her that moving faster is better regarding getting ready for school, but she really takes after me; I like to do things when I'm ready to.

And I know the moms working at the school think it is just berserk that I don't naturally wake up at 6 am (my babies were always sleepers, therefore I never had to get "used" to getting up at dawn), that I don't have an efficient method devised for doing this all, and that some days I don't have to hurry off to SPC and I want to spend that extra time with them.

Harry, on the other hand, manages to get them to school on time, from the way he tells it, because he's usually at work before then anyways. And he reprimands me by saying that all of these tardies are "going to bring DCF and the Clearwater Police Dept down on us" (by which he means me).

Now, I'm not saying that tardies are GOOD; no, of course not. My mom never taught me to manage my time and as soon as I could be told it was my own responsibility to get ready and leave on time, I realized I had no clue. Something had gone terribly wrong in the raising of me.

I want my kids to learn to find their shoes, I want them to know how to read a clock (Cora's awesome with digital ones, at least), and to know why we put things away when we are done with them. Just because I don't possess a certain skill (yet) doesn't mean that they don't have a chance at developing it.

But the pinnacle of my rant comes to this: the school is providing a service. Harry and I have paid in (as have many of you who don't have kids- sorry!), and decided that we WOULD accept the service they provide, for the time being. I'm still the boss of my kids, and it totally irks me to no end when the school officials try and put me in my place.

So, why is it abuse if I (frequently) bring my well-cared for, well-mannered, empathic, agreeable, lovely 6 year old to school late?

That's what I'd like to know.

the realists

Sometimes all the little tragedies we face build, until the tension is so great, that our whole understanding of life comes tumbling down.

Sometimes the negative things we go through makes us wiser, better, closer; sometimes even being blessings in disguise.

And sometimes, there is just nothing to analyze at all... it's just how it is.



I like the 'glass of water' approach; is it half full or half empty? You know how the optimists and pessimists answer this one.

How about the realist?

She would say that the glass is simply twice as big as it needs to be.

step lively

Again, the pace is starting to drain me.

Drive to drop off kids, go to class/work, drive to pick up kids, errands, stress, homework, exams, class/work, kids, stress, sleep, stress, class, errands, exams.

You see why I had to spend time "unwinding" last night with a (hot) guy friend? Yes, that's what we young people call it these days. Plus- he made eggs in the morning and served them with orange juice and coffee. Yippee!

All the while, my gas gauge is on E and I have $1.50. No joke. I have held on to this $1.50 now for a few days, reluctant to spend it (now I am cursing myself for my EXTRAVAGANT five dollar purchase over the weekend... that was really going out on a limb and I knew it). Both my accounts are empty. WHERE is that student check?

In ten years, we will all be laughing when we "remember that time", won't we?

Won't we??

Yeah, things are interesting right now. This is a great learning experience, though. Did I mention how good my grades have been? That's definately a plus.

Work today was good. I re-did a sign in the hall where the professor's office numbers are posted. It was a wreck before, and, of course, is done perfectly now. Then I bullshited with my professors as they stopped by the office, answered phones, ran a few errands for the department, got some free food for some special occasion on campus, and shredded a million and one sheets of top secret math-test-scratch-paper. [I know you've always wondered where your scratch paper goes, haven't you?]

Oh, I saw my good friend, Hilary Flower, today, too! :-) She teaches Earth Science @ Clearwater SPC.


Oh, and I'm sorta sad to say I have no new bike miles to list. My mom drove me to Chem lecture tonight, and then bought the kids and I a burrito afterwards. She's awesome. At least I went to the gym on Sunday morning, but that's sort of pitiful, huh?

maybe that was not fair

I shouldn´t sound so contrary, and I realize it. My aunt took us into her home, and has enjoyed my children in her home.

Her comments were (probably) not intended to be injurious, and I agree with her premise, if not with her method. I DO want to look hot. You are only young once, it´s true. And it won´t get any easier if I wait 15 years, will it? (I just HATED that she explained over HOW big I am, when I am actually sorta average)

Barb inspired me with a simple porridge several weeks ago, and I finally checked out Tosca Reno´s website. I joined their Eat Clean message board for new recipes and motivation. I love healthy food... no more junk, k? K


well, not too much junk, anyways.

a really hard thing

It's probably part of the cycle of life, how sometimes we are UP and other days very much down... Well, that's natural for me anyways.

But, yeah, there are some issues I am dealing with right now. Not really direct, clearcut home-sickness, but I did have a dream last night where I tried to find a way to end the trip early. Of course, there was none.

Basically, what's going on is that my grandma is a compulsive tidy person, and I am me (and, naturally, my kids know MY ways and rules). Of course she loves me but there have been problems. I've been cautious, above and beyond my usual manner, to wash every dish and spoon we dity, to gather up after them, and so on, but the fact remains that I do not have all the answers, or eyes in the back of my head. I'm struggling to do my best and it's definately wearing me out everyday. It's just not enough.

The house is FULL to the brim with delicate, beautiful, expensive things that appeal to children... Tiny animals made of austrian crystal, nice linens, etc. Some things are less expensive (little baskets full of decorative soaps in the bathroom that are GLUED into place in the basket, lol), but that doesn't really change anything to my grandma when they are pulled out because somebody (we still don't have a confession from the guilty party) thought they were toys.

Also, electricity is very expensive, and three year olds love to turn on lights.

My grandma is also old (you know how old people are), so she is naturally set in her ways and any form of disorder in the house makes her already sore back hurt MUCH worse. And since I went so many years without and wishing I had this family back I truly want to humor her...

Si, abuelita. Por supuesto... (Yes, grandma. Of course.)

Whether it's about giving the kids their ommelette WITH their arepas (no difference to me) or asking them to stop leaving little handprints on the walls (I'd def rather they didn't!), I agree with her. And she insists that no food be thrown out, that shoes always be worn in the house, that beds are made crisply. The list goes on.

I have OFFICALLLY been asked to do a better job at disciplining them (I guess all these years I've been having fun indulging them??) so hopefully we will go home with wonderful new habits in place regarding cleanliness, self discipline, chores, etc.

Ugh. No wonder they keep liquor in this house.

Pazieme

and couturie ...

Two made-up words I really can't get out of my head right now.

Pazieme is my alteration of the middle baby-name we had. Tom liked Paz (translates to Peace). I like French names (maybe because I'm 1/4 francaise?), and I added the ending to make me smile.

I'm keeping the name. Besides his (newer, better) other-half is pushing forty and they probably won't be reproducing anyways. BTW I'm feeling better about the nonsense w/ the ex. After Harry revealed to me that the new gf is a woman who he cheated on his ex with about 20 years ago (reminding me that she's WAAAAAAY older than me) I decided that she's got nuthin on me. Besides, her 'boyfriend' is a royal tramp.



I've always known couture is French for sewing/seam, and couturier, a dressmaker. But drop the final 'r' and you get a word that is a little closer to what I'm up to today.

My silky pink paisley fabric is quite nearly a completed dress. Just some more detailing to do. I'll post pic's if I get it done before I have to leave to par-tay.

:-|

Can I just say I am REALLY TIRED.
The last few days/nights have been wild and fun and unnexpected. And sure, there are some lows, but also some nice high points.

Remember when I asked

"How long will it take to get over the break up?"

Apparently just about 2 months. Not that I don't still think about Tom, about what went wrong, "why?", etc... I do think about that stuff sometimes, but it's not first in the morning, and last at night, anymore.

The stuff he gave me is still here. I still think the japanese fishing hat is the coolest thing on our hat-stand. The jewelry he gave me is still some of my favorite stuff; the texts, the most romantic ever.

I'm just no longer feeling like he was the right person for me. It's sort of a relaxed kind of dissapointment now.

Just thought I should share, since SO many of my friends helped to hold me together when I was falling apart. And now, it's probably time to get MY life back on track (school, work, etc); Tom seriously derailed me for a while, with all that love nonsense.

And, remember when my marriage split up and, even though I did the dumping, I felt so terribly betrayed, broken, and alone? Ah, memories. But, several months later, that pain also passed.

I think that's the story of that single koi fish shoulder tattoo (who currently seems to be trapped in some sort of middle ground between swimming upstream and blowing in the wind). Resisting lonliness is resisting one's most natural and most effortless state of being, the Osho masters might say.

Then, why is it that I feel like I am at my ABSOLUTE best when I can complement someone's uniqueness? When my skills and qualities can be appreciated and someone else's qualities can be appreciated by me? That's where strong friendships come into play, and help to fill that void, somewhat...

Except sex w/ friends is just WIERD sometimes.

Being married spoiled me!