a few days away from all out insanity? nahhhh

"Everything will be ok, everything will be fine..." I chanted to myself as I lay huddled on the floor between the kitchen and living room.

My kids were playing upstairs, I could hear them, so I let myself just wallow for a bit, not wanting them to see me upset and knowing they would make plenty of noise coming down the stairs. At least the "everything will be ok" motivational speech was an improvement. Minutes before I was crying out that I just couldn't take it anymore.

"It" being the constant cooking and cleaning (and scrubbing, on hands and knees), over and over, with no appreciation.

First, I was making lunch. Fresh fish. My mom's recipe for red snapper; a tomato, onion, and garlic sauce. The kids had just informed me that they weren't going to eat fish (even though at the grocery store, 24 hours earlier, I asked them if they wanted some fish this week and they said YES) and then they ran upstairs to play, when I splattered red sauce all over my brand new white wrap style blouse. And then, I took to the floor, fetal-style.

Once I got up there was a blur of activity. Helen and I nearly ripped the shirt off of me as I poured ginger ale on it, and then I got out some of the spray-on stuff she has around that is miraculously formulated.

White blouse was saved.

But what about my mental health? Seriously. I'm in a bind here.

This is the situation- I have been eating mostly clean un-processed foods with the exception of some beer and a tortilla at Brian's house a few weeks ago, and a little Greek dressing on a salad I had at Ikea yesterday (origin of the dressing unknown). And this kind of eating takes more work than eating just whatever. And I honestly need to eat every 3 hours.

Planning, shopping, washing prep stuff, etc. Now, with school starting again, I have to really be on the ball, but time will be a big factor.

Now, I love my roommate, you know that. She is as important to me as my own family. And I want what's best for her, and I'd love it if she cut out fast and highly processed foods... but she's not capable of doing it for herself and I just can't do it all! I can't do all the shopping and cooking and cleaning for both of us to eat clean, and I feel terribly guilty to do it just for myself... that seems so selfish.

So I don't know what to do. Can I just lay on the floor and moan a bit more? Can I have a snack? I'm starving already.

stark raving mad, and still writing complete BS but nobody's reading anyways so who g.a.f.??

So I ate like a loon for 4 days (heh, pun, like it??), subsisting on lemon juice and vegetable broth and stuff like that, and then I had a couple of days where I eased back in grains (whole oats, mmmmmm) and corn.

I had some eggs last night, with spinach and cheese. That concluded the easing back in to normal phase, I think.

Had a *bite* of the kids' whole wheat bagel w/ cream cheese today, too. And some of the homemade blueberry pie I waxed poetically about the other day.


That concludes that shitty part of this blog post. Really.

Now on to the totally inane: I think I am going to flake out on quitting men like I flaked out on fasting and "finding myself". I don't know, it sounds like a good idea, but really... I don't know. This is tougher than I wagered it would be. It's not just quitting men in actuality, to COUNT they have to be completely out of my thoughts as well.

now I've got 5 speeds of fun to play with

whenever I feel well enough...

of course, it WOULD rain cats and dogs on hobo-Tuesday

On Tuesdays, I usually feel compelled to stay on campus, because getting home and getting back there again more often than not makes me late for my evening class, and I usually only get a half hour at home for all that effort anyway.


One important part of hobo-Tuesday is the sleeping in a public place, since I invariably am subsisting on about 3 hours and it isn't fun. I prefer napping under an oak on the grassy lawn in the center of the campus, but I'll settle for the upstairs lobby of the Math & Science building, I guess. But maybe I should edit hobo-Tuesday so that it revolves around pies stolen off window sills or flasks of gin?? I think I am onto something here.


Anyways, I know all this rain is good for us; we've had some serious drought-age here in Pinellas County. Tampa has OUTLAWED watering yards unless you have reclaimed water. We've been importing water for our municipalities, home to over a million people. Which is ironic, because everywhere you look is water.

Our garden plants will be delighted, I know.

it's no wonder I was suspicious

... my wave was cresting.

Financially, nothing has changed, I'm still going to be ok. In fact, I have enough money to pursue an archaeology field school now, and I really didn't think that would even be an option this summer (because field school is expensive! and I have bills here to pay while I'm gone! and there's airfare to consider!). And so, because of that, I DIDN'T APPLY to any. I applied to paid internships instead. And I have to wait until May to find out if I've gotten in or not, by which point I should already have tickets purchased and all the necessary travel visas acquired if I am going elsewhere.

Several deadlines have passed me by, but there are still a few I'm checking out.

-I called Dr. Kimball about the Mongolian one that I had my little heart set on, but they are all going over their field notes this summer instead of digging.

-Because I messed up the carefully planned academic symphony I had arranged, I don't have a credit for ANT 3031, which means UWF is out, and possible the Yukon field school as well, unless they give me special permission. I am definitely going to ask for it.

But then the conflict is Danny's wedding in Colorado... June 6th. I'm not flying out the Alaska for a couple of days, flying to CO, then back to Alaska a few days later. And I'm not going to just show up to field school 4 days late. NO WAY.

And I'm not missing Danny's wedding. NO WAY.

On top of all of that, Harry called me today to tell me he's applied for a job with U.S. Customs/Border Security in the Virgin Islands. To which I replied something cheerful and optimistic... and then he told me that if he gets it I HAVE TO MOVE THERE?? IF I want to maintain a relationship with the kids? Um, no. I didn't ask HIM to move to P'cola or Tally. I applied. IF I get in, then I have choices to make. My kids belong with me 50% of the time (and the rest of the time, I'll drive several hours to see them), but I think this might end up being more complicated than I expected. The Virgin Islands, really?

This was all followed by some lovely insults.



Oh, and I'm paranoid (yes, again) and thinking that my bf is going to break up with me via never calling me again. Yes, I realize you want to gouge out my eyes when I act like this. I'm SORRY.

it's too early for this kind of nonsense

BUT I AM SEARCHING HIGH AND LOW for the stupid title to the stupid broken down Saturn. Because I get to sell it today for 200 stupid dollars. And, get this, I have been searching since before 5 am.

When do I ever wake up at 5 am??

I'll tell you when, that's an easy one: When I have a plane to catch, or someone I love has a plane to catch, or when Brian convinces me it's a good idea to wake up at 5 to go ride 30 freakin miles by bike (in the cold).

Ha, that's funny, my alarm just went off on my phone, and I've already listened to 4 albums while searching and cleaning and going through random crap.

Tell me, WHY the F--- don't I know where this stupid little piece of paper is??? Argh!!!!!!

I'm so cranky about this. I hate being disorganized, and I was actually getting quite on top of things until two small brunette whirlwinds tore through my room the other day and upended a few boxes of stuff I had salvaged from the Saturn all over the floor... and the title was in there. And now, it is NOWHERE. :(

I want a sugar fix. I want this to all go away.

F*#K!!!

Argh, I'm annoying MYSELF so bad right now, so I figured I should come over and annoy you too.

I should be fine, I should feel f--king fine. EVERYTHING IS F--KING FINE.

There is nothing wrong, but my anxiety is through the roof today. I saw a terrible movie that gave me a stupid panic attack, and I now want to strangle the people who made that movie.

My Day


I rode my bike to work, which is exercise AND got me fresh air and sunlight. Don't I always say those things are key to good mental health? [And just who the hell do I think I am? Dr. Frasier Crane??]

Mr. Short gave me my exam from last week... 104%. Highest score in the class. Again.

After work, I went to the grocery store and the gym. I had a pretty great circuit training workout, and due to the huge mirrors everywhere, I noticed my ass looks HOT from all the cycling I've been doing. Thought about my boyfriend a bit. Think he likes my butt, too.

I oversaw the doing of homework and nightly reading. I got the kids in bed.

I get to borrow my mom's car tomorrow night, which means I am not stranded here on my kid-free night; I can actually GO OUT! Woo!

Ok, so considering my day (not too bad, except that my job is a sham)... what's wrong with my brain? Or the chemistry therein, rather. You know what I mean.

I don't know. Maybe everything IS wrong? Maybe nobody can be trusted and the world is full of scheming liars and wars and bad economies, even though there are probably enough resources for everyone?


THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME AND I THINK I WANT MEDICATION.

Oh, mystery! And finding our personal rhythms.

[Ugh, the U is feeling weird on my keyboard, sort of thick and slow.]


So, last night I rode home from school/work/school and tossed myself onto the living-room floor like a dead fish. I know at least a couple of you reading this have seen my dead fish move; it's hot, I know. Helen and I HAD had plans to cook dinner together and then do French manicures, but we both ended up in our bedrooms doing the alone thing. And I really needed it.

Don't misunderstand- I love my roommate and I utterly enjoyed seeing so much of Bill this week, but I have become adjusted to my own time-space continuum. I'm just not a clingy type girl, I suppose? And a night sans enfants is the perfect chance to catch up reading blogs, doing chores I don't want to do when I have company over, etc.

Funny enough, my alone night ended up very closely resembling the Tues night-in we shared this week; I got cozy in bed pretty early in the night and watched funny stuff until my stomach hurt from laughing so much. The difference? I did have more space to stretch out in, but I missed his legs nestled against mine.

Anyways, things are new enough in the relationship that we are still exploring the lay of the land and finding our rhythm. After a couple of days without talking/texting, and laying in my bed missing his laughter mingling roundly with mine, I sent him a little one, just saying hi.

A few exchanged in the ten minutes after that, and we decided to spend some time together tonight, but I have no clue as to what/when. I decided to leave it up to him a bit, and he said he'd call with more info.

In the meantime (since I'm so keen on hanging out with myself), I'm thinking about going out in pursuit of food; I happen to have a coupon for one free entree at a local restaurant. I'm hungry but starting to feel tired of riding every day with no car option for chilly night outings. It's not a physical tiredness, it's more psychological. I have to hold myself steeled to the fact that any moment a car can wipe my slate clean when I'm riding. No matter how careful or visible, complete obliteration is a real possibility. And all I want is some dinner!



---EDIT--- I ended up walking around some hilly parts of Clearwater with my friend Mike. After a good walk, we were eating potatoes and drinking beer (practicing for St. Patrick's day??), which was way funner than my original prospect of riding in the dark, alone.

I'm one $500 check away from being in sleep deprivation experiment

Man oh man, Conner woke up about twenty times last night carrying on about everything from itchy pajamas to thirst to having kicked the covers off to BEING TIRED. Who WAKES UP to complain about being freakin tired?

And of course, none of the waking started before I fell asleep, only after. And I went to bed late as it was, on top of having missed lots of sleep this weekend anyways.


So, I'm at work and exausted and blogging unashamedly. Not even TRYING to conceal it. That's how tired and "don't give a damn" I'm feeling today.


On the upside, I have some glee today. We were celebrating Helen's birthday last night, so my guy came over and a couple of my friends were able to meet him. And not only was he his usual charming, polite, and attractive self, he even brought Helen the perfect gift; a book by Hunter S. Thompson that she didn't have yet.

Then, in our goodnight embrace my ankle ended up wrapped on one of his legs, and his other foot ended up twining around my leg. We chuckled to each other, and commented on how nicely we were impersonating those Indian statues of embracing deities.

It took focus to continue to hold the complicated balancing posture and achieve that pure-being state, but the meditation we shared for a minute or so like that was really nice.

we all have our own picket fences

I don't know what picket fences mean to you, but they happen to be one of my psychological phobias. As a kid, I had recurring nightmares (in black and white!) featuring picket fences, and houses that (were made out of ticky-tacky and) all looked just the same. In the dream, I was always walking along, when I realized that the sidewalk was part of a gear, and that each house was a square tooth in a cog of death. It makes my insides roil, even now that I'm 25 and I know suburbia only eats you metaphorically.




The only reason I bring this up is because I'm having a bit of a meltdown, feeling really insecure and a little anxiety ridden, and Helen pointed out to me tonight that we all have our own picket fences. I'm anxious because it seems like he MUST be about to stand me up for our plans tomorrow. She wanted me to realize that IF HE DOES (and assuming it's because of nerves), I should remember that we all have our own triggers for meltdowns.


I don't know why this is even making it to the blog; this isn't my panic attack diary, by any means, but I guess I just wanted to say that if it happens, I'm choosing to be ok with that. Maybe not right away, but that's life. Now it's in print and I have to stick to that.

I'm just really confused, and maybe a little scared

So, on Thursday, in Trig, I didn't ask out the Hot Guy That Sits Next To Me.

(...because I wasn't there for the end of the class period, since I had to get out of there early for Conn's show. And it seemed wierd I guess, to seem like I had premeditated the asking. And, because I must be in high school, and I don't want him to know I like him, I just want to ask him all "spur of the moment" like. )

I roll my eyes at MYSELF, too.


But not for what you'd think sometimes. Sigh.


Ok, different topic (sorta):

So, of course, Brian was the first person I called about that bike crash I had last week. And he talked me down from the panic. His advice was to not let it ruin things for me, but to instead use this event as fuel for creating a better world. Not his exact words, but you know what I mean.

So, I wrote a letter and emailed it and I sent it to him, just to say "look, dude , took your advice. I'm starting something :)" and then he called me and said "Hi, I'm in Clearwater, and I want to merge projects and DO something" and I was going to Conn's show. And then he was in thh right place at the right time and got a bunch of things sorted out, that simple.

something I found out about while delivering exams for some profs

CLEP tests! There are College Board tests that if you score high enough, you can just instantly have those credits. There's several that I could do, even at this late stage. I found out the other day that when I transfer to USF I'll be coming in about halfway done with my junior year. I'm looking at mostly Anthropology and Science courses over there for the next couple of years :-)

Ha! But if I test out of a few more things right before I transfer, it might go even faster. (can you tell I'm tired from so many classes, lol)

Oh, and I actually already knew about CLEP tests, but had forgotten... Duh; I took AP American history in high school. And I did score high enough on the test, but decided to not take the American History credit because I actually wanted to be in this course again. So far, so good. LOTS of writing this week, in fact this might be the last blog post for a week or so, as I do the things I have to get done.

Besides school stuff, I'm taking C & C to Heritage Village again and to the First United Methodist Fall Festival this coming Saturday, hosting a kids Halloween party on Sunday complete with gross stuff and a potluck. We've been doing Halloween parties in my playgroup since the very begining, so I'm pretty proud to be hosting it. I just also need to makes my kids costumes, and do this all really cheaply... hmmm...

It CLEARLY was an emergency

Have I ever told you my unofficial policy on voicemails? It's not very nice of me (gee, what is it with me posting things all catty and boastful-ish lately?) but I have good reasons.

No 1. Is it an emergency? Let me help you determine if it is an emergency... Blood? Car accident? ANYTHING involving my kids? I'll be generous and include running out of gas and needing help with pretty much anything I know how to do as "an emergency", but you need to say so in your voicemail.

No 2. Maybe not an emergency, but do you need to leave me fairly pertinant information; a phone number, meeting time, etc? This is obvious.

No 3. This is the one that gets me in trouble- are you the person I'm sleeping with? If so, you should know that your "Hey... call me back"s are nice, and sometimes your blips of rediculousness on my voicemail makes me laugh until I worry about peeing my pants. And it's always good to laugh.

So, to recap- Are you calling about an emergency/issue regarding my kids? Need to leave me a 10 sec bit of info? Keep a tootbrush at my house?

Ok, then. If we're not dealing with any of those situation, hang up the phone when you get my voicemail. I WILL call you back, I promise. ;-)

organizing

Let me tell you, a Friday that is "work optional" is a very nice thing.

I really needed a day to sit around budget my month, rest, and work on my flyer for the Clearwater critical mass ride I'm initiating, (if I could just pick a freakin day and time!) that's the only thing holding me up right now.

I need a day/time that is functional for not ONLY me, but that I can also commit to. I had decided on first Mondays because a couple of others that are interested can do that day, but as you know, I have Chem lecture on Mondays... I'd have to skip it. If I was scoring straight A's, I'd skip no problem, but right now, I feel like I am clinging on in that class like a bug to a wet branch.

Back to the list: I had a great need for doing laundry today, too (It's started already. I'm about to head up to the laundry mat and flip it over), dishes, and homework too.

Plus, I need to clean out my under-the-stairs-closet and hopefully FIND THE BOX OF CONTACTS FOR MY LEFT EYE. [Seriously kicking myself for misplacing those. I have 2 boxes for the right eye, too. Sheesh.]

Then, off to pick up the kids and get some quality time in with them. Maybe we will go hangout by the water near Conner's churchy school and get some fresh air?

singing along with the Beatles, because this isn't depressing at ALL>

I'm feeling sort of mellow, in a dark and mellow kind of way.



It's not that there aren't PLENTY of things to do on a rainy day. But the list of things to do shrinks dramatically when you require that they also be FUN and FREE. Because I am super broke and waiting for the Pell check (yes, again).

So while I'm waiting for the sun, I guess I'll listen to itunes, wash dishes, do my trig homework, and then go to the gym. I convinced my mom to go with me! I can't wait.

And the dead hamster's cage needs a cleaning, too. Wheee!

Actually, Helen and I have Frida checked out from the library right now...there's an idea for when she gets home from work later tonight. But, right now I'm just not very interested in it. Maybe because of the hype for a long weekend, you get left feeling disillusioned or cheated or something.

Don't people do cookouts in other parts of the country?

Oh! the rain!


[tell me to stop bitching! I was downtown at a WMNF jazz party just last night, and then hanging out with friends]


The other day, we were discussing whether or not we should go ahead and devour the storm supply in the pantry when Helen pointed out to me that we are "only into the G's and H's" as far as storms go.

So, consider for you listening pleasure, Octopus's Garden. It's on Abbey Road, but you knew that.


I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden in the shade
He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus' garden in the shade...

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus' garden near a cave

apparently I DO need to make myself scarcer

How do YOU handle it when someone tells you you are fat(ish)?

Well, in our culture (and I´m including you because I blindly assume you are American, haven´t slightest clue who reads this blog) it´s very personal, and rude to bring something like that up, unless you are inquiring after someone´s actual health and wellbeing, right?

I mean, I can bitch to my friends about my BMI, but unsolicited (negative) comments about my appearance... Ay!

We can assume it´s a cultural difference.


My general formula for wellbeing is to work out, feel great, and eat what I want, within reason (I drink beer, eat dessert, etc... in balance with really healthy stuff). I broke the habit of stress eating last year. I picked it back up at my grandma´s house two weeks ago, right around the same time my grandma said I should get lipo.

So, anyways, my sexy Barbie-doll aunt, yes, the mother of two sporty teenage boys, who doesn´t eat much because she has special pills to combat hunger is watching me very closely, breakfast and lunch (no dinner, or alcohol, served in this house).

What is this; fat camp? sigh.
I want my gym. I want my hamster. I want a mixed drink, and bad.

a really hard thing

It's probably part of the cycle of life, how sometimes we are UP and other days very much down... Well, that's natural for me anyways.

But, yeah, there are some issues I am dealing with right now. Not really direct, clearcut home-sickness, but I did have a dream last night where I tried to find a way to end the trip early. Of course, there was none.

Basically, what's going on is that my grandma is a compulsive tidy person, and I am me (and, naturally, my kids know MY ways and rules). Of course she loves me but there have been problems. I've been cautious, above and beyond my usual manner, to wash every dish and spoon we dity, to gather up after them, and so on, but the fact remains that I do not have all the answers, or eyes in the back of my head. I'm struggling to do my best and it's definately wearing me out everyday. It's just not enough.

The house is FULL to the brim with delicate, beautiful, expensive things that appeal to children... Tiny animals made of austrian crystal, nice linens, etc. Some things are less expensive (little baskets full of decorative soaps in the bathroom that are GLUED into place in the basket, lol), but that doesn't really change anything to my grandma when they are pulled out because somebody (we still don't have a confession from the guilty party) thought they were toys.

Also, electricity is very expensive, and three year olds love to turn on lights.

My grandma is also old (you know how old people are), so she is naturally set in her ways and any form of disorder in the house makes her already sore back hurt MUCH worse. And since I went so many years without and wishing I had this family back I truly want to humor her...

Si, abuelita. Por supuesto... (Yes, grandma. Of course.)

Whether it's about giving the kids their ommelette WITH their arepas (no difference to me) or asking them to stop leaving little handprints on the walls (I'd def rather they didn't!), I agree with her. And she insists that no food be thrown out, that shoes always be worn in the house, that beds are made crisply. The list goes on.

I have OFFICALLLY been asked to do a better job at disciplining them (I guess all these years I've been having fun indulging them??) so hopefully we will go home with wonderful new habits in place regarding cleanliness, self discipline, chores, etc.

Ugh. No wonder they keep liquor in this house.

I'm clearly a novice

So, those of you who have been there/done that with dating... how long is the indeterminable period, now? How much time is "normal" to pass between last night and the next time I hear from him?

Just to put things in perspective, Tom was texting me again just minutes after our first few real dates, and we all know how BADLY that ended, so I'm certainly not saying I want anyone to follow suit.

I'm just worried now that I got it all wrong.

SC and I had a fun night. Well, I had fun, and he said he did. I know, I'm all doubts sometimes. And then he said that line that is tv cliche for 'you will never hear from me again'... "I'll call you".

Just so you can be as confused as me, I will add that he made a point of doing the touching my arm thing in conversation, and he was actually asking me questions about myself (I did ask him things too, when I got that chance). When the subject of the beach came up, he literally said he wants to go with me (yes, even though I'm all inked up, haha).

Perhaps it's silly to agonize over any of this he said/I said stuff, but I have something to say that is going to rock your world:

Guys lie.

Please, contain yourselves. I know it's horrid and shocking.

In the past year or so, I have seen and heard it all. And I'm talking about situations where the guy didn't have to lie. I have grown wary.