this is how

...I've been handling the issues, so far.

I'm reading Carlos Castaneda's Tales of Power and hoping to absorb some lesson on strength and self assuredness.

Since it's a book I've already read, there is that nice comfort that I can pick it up and open it to any part I want. Yesterday I reread the part where Don Juan explains the tonal and nagual to Carlos, which are (self)consciousness and invisible power, respectively.

They sit on a bench for a while and people watch, picking out people who have weak, out of shape tonals, and Don Juan adds that self indulgence can weaken the naturally sensitive tonal.

The nagual is where a warrior's creativity, power, and immpecability come from, and it is entirely invisible and un-imaginable, but when it is in balance the warrior can draw on it at will.

Maybe this sounds a bit esoteric to you, for a discussion on childrearing, but I can't imagine anything else I can do at this point to balance the two forces working on me right now- (somewhat just)outside expectations and my preference for my own method of handling my children (certainly NOT perfect yet!). I am open to change, but not at the expense of my relationship with C and C.

So, I want to have a strong, balanced tonal and nagual, so that all of my life is like clay in my hands. I know my children are their own selves, but I want to manage them deftly when needed, and others, too.


Also, I don't know why my reply to Cassie came under the name of Luz Dary, my aunt. I was sure I had completed the sign in as myself.

a really hard thing

It's probably part of the cycle of life, how sometimes we are UP and other days very much down... Well, that's natural for me anyways.

But, yeah, there are some issues I am dealing with right now. Not really direct, clearcut home-sickness, but I did have a dream last night where I tried to find a way to end the trip early. Of course, there was none.

Basically, what's going on is that my grandma is a compulsive tidy person, and I am me (and, naturally, my kids know MY ways and rules). Of course she loves me but there have been problems. I've been cautious, above and beyond my usual manner, to wash every dish and spoon we dity, to gather up after them, and so on, but the fact remains that I do not have all the answers, or eyes in the back of my head. I'm struggling to do my best and it's definately wearing me out everyday. It's just not enough.

The house is FULL to the brim with delicate, beautiful, expensive things that appeal to children... Tiny animals made of austrian crystal, nice linens, etc. Some things are less expensive (little baskets full of decorative soaps in the bathroom that are GLUED into place in the basket, lol), but that doesn't really change anything to my grandma when they are pulled out because somebody (we still don't have a confession from the guilty party) thought they were toys.

Also, electricity is very expensive, and three year olds love to turn on lights.

My grandma is also old (you know how old people are), so she is naturally set in her ways and any form of disorder in the house makes her already sore back hurt MUCH worse. And since I went so many years without and wishing I had this family back I truly want to humor her...

Si, abuelita. Por supuesto... (Yes, grandma. Of course.)

Whether it's about giving the kids their ommelette WITH their arepas (no difference to me) or asking them to stop leaving little handprints on the walls (I'd def rather they didn't!), I agree with her. And she insists that no food be thrown out, that shoes always be worn in the house, that beds are made crisply. The list goes on.

I have OFFICALLLY been asked to do a better job at disciplining them (I guess all these years I've been having fun indulging them??) so hopefully we will go home with wonderful new habits in place regarding cleanliness, self discipline, chores, etc.

Ugh. No wonder they keep liquor in this house.

more pics...

We are going out to some farm today, where we have cousins, and to go swimming etc.

Here's some pictures before I run out the door...

a Rumbiar!

from Friday night-

Victoria, my cousin, took me out with another American-Colombiana and a Colombian guy friend (Leo?). We went to La Casa de la Cerbeza (The House of Beer), where we ordered and finished off a bottle of aguardiente, lol. It's a liqour that tastes like anise or almonds or something... I am not sure, because I started at home with red wine (and do I EVER drink red wine? no, never) and then a beer at a soccer game before we went out dancing.


Yeah, and my ears are ringing (loudly) and I'm pretty drunk. Oh, but the MUSIC. Mmmmm.

By American standards, I sometimes tend to think I'm a pretty good dancer, but I was put to shame. Well, that's my interpretation, anyways, but you know me. I think she was just trying to be nice. Leo did give me a proper salsa lesson or two, and I had fun, as always!

I will add that Calienos don't really appear to drive any different after a whole bottle of liqour, it's pretty much the same thing... Or everyone gets really drunk during the daytime, too.

Also interesting to note- in dance clubs here, at the end of the night, they send a server around with a tray of little plastic cups. I assumed it was more shots of something venomous but my cousin said it was cups of hot soup. Mentiras! I said to Vicky. But, yes, it was in fact chicken soup with lots of cilantro, and a freshly made one at that.

Sunday photos

The entrance area...

The kids in the living room...



The balcony view from the third floor, where our room is...

no fuimos a las marchas...

(we did not go march)... instead we stayed at home. Was there any news coverage of the marches back in the States? Thousands of people took to the streets in Bogota, Cali, Medellin, Letica, and even Paris to protest FARC holding people captive. Indios Amazonas sang some traditional songs and President Uribe gave a moving speech while Shakira was up on the stage, holding hands with him. It was a very emotional event that we followed on the television (my abuela is too old for marchas, and I was busy with the kids.

Anyways, the 20th of July is one of the 2 days Colombians celebrate independence (Aug 7th is the other), so when we woke up there were banderas (flags) hung from the balconies and a big meal already in the works.




Anyways, it was a BEAUTIFUL Dia de Independencia.