Monday, April 6, 2009

Regardless of what I SHOULD be doing right now, I'm reflecting on the big stuff today.

Here's why:

My days have been thematically arranged lately. This could give me the impression that there is something "running the show" and trying to make me notice things.

For example, the other day everything was IN MY SPACE. I'm not kidding, in every way possible, this was the overall theme of the day. I mean, a bug flew into my nose. A tree ant was caught in my dress while I was at work. And Paul WOULD NOT STOP hounding me to go out (alone) with him, even though I've said we could hang out "just as friends".

Yesterday's theme was certainly "mini-emergencies" around the house and in our world.
Nothing extreme, but I did have to put on my thinking cap and go problem solving, which is a wonderful thing to do.

The other thing I was thinking about is love, and if it is always this awful painful experience. On days like today, I feel really inexperienced (in spite of two engagements, one marriage, and a few betrayals). I have no clue what things should feel like.

I look back and remember lots of pain with all the love, but part of me wants to think that if there is any negative component it's "a bad idea". I want to ban pain in conjunction with love.

And needs, I want to ban needing. Part of me is aching because there are things I need to say and I don't know how. It's true, intimacy is a gradual process, and better not rushed, so I've held off from anything too... attached? Which leaves me wondering if I've made an error.


April Lindfors said...

Well, I had a failed marriage and some pretty painful relationships before my current happy marriage that is going strong for almost 9 years now. After what I considered the worst betrayal/heartache ever one summer, I decided I wasn't looking for a relationship...but that I was looking for a really good friend. So while I had a few casual "things" with a few people, for a year I took away that need for a relationship. That year I met my man, and after being very good friends for a year we started dating...and here we are still together :).

Gladis said...

That's great.

I think I have def. given myself time and space to figure out what I want/need but it's hard to know what you are dealing with sometimes.

For example, I am really into my boyfriend. I think he's amazing; a very creative person, funny, intelligent, sensitive etc. I love falling asleep and waking up next to him.

But he's a pain in the ass sometimes, and I've heard some other bad things through the proverbial grapevine. I don't give those stories too much weight on their own, but when they are coupled with certain red flags in my own experience... eh... it gets tricky.

So, my question was: does love always HAVE to have a prickly side?

My interpretation of what you're saying is that no it doesn't.

April Lindfors said...

Or maybe, some are just less prickly? Hehe.