Saturday, April 18, 2009

bouyancy, troughs, and crests

Did I tell you that I think the worst has passed? [NEVER MIND- I just looked at his facebook page and he's now "single" (lol, what, by default? since he never faced up to the break up??!!!!!!) and I hadn't realized that this would cut me to the quick... why doesn't he just go and delete me as a friend? why don't I?]

Which doesn't mean that there won't be low points. For example, last night I sat on the front steps and earnestly wished for a black wool pea coat, 4 sizes too big, being laid across my shoulders.

But Thursday was so phenomenal I started to think that just maybe I really would be moving on (and truly better off for it) when rolling waves of pity for him hit my shores.

Pity, because his problems are not the kind you can sort out in one introspective week. Because he will move on and find himself with someone else (someone better than me?) and he will ruin it again, because his problems are so huge and he hasn't the motivation to better himself. It's sad, really.

And every little daydream glimpse I've had of moving on partners me with someone who is actively living and pursuing betterment. I feel ashamed that my happy vision for myself doesn't revolve around self reliance and singleness, I think that would be stoic and wonderful of me, though.


So, onto other news:

I moved one batch of watermelon seedlings into a big pot, where I might try to keep them, to see if they will bear fruit there. The two small pots of Mesclun sprouts are being split today, each small pot of veritably overgrown. The cilantro and spearmint haven't shown yet.

The kids and I are going to Cora's school for a PTA carnival (today) and strawberry picking (probably tomorrow). Then time for making preserves!!!! Wooo!

1 comment:

uniheliodem said...

(someone better than me?)I highly doubt that. You are awesome.