Thursday, April 30, 2009

no, THIS feels like falling

I am barely verbally coherent. Bare with me. Bear with me.

Around 3 o clock, an allergic reaction of some sort popped up while I was at work. I ran upstairs and rummaged through a medicine cabinet for a bit, popped a couple of Benadryls and went back to sorting papers.

Then in Trig class tonight, Mr Short;s voice got really loud and the room wavered ever so slightly. My stomach roiled. My blood pumped furiously (couldn't everyone hear it??).

I had a few panic attacks (not out o the ordinary, but unexpected since I do feel really at home in there) while he was discussing our tests from Tuesday night. I did get #32 wrong (didn't carry a negative sign while multiplying something) but he curved us 3 points so I still got a 100% on the test... and a couple of p attacks. Go figure.

Anyways, sick to my stomach and wondering when this crazy feeling will stop. I want some hot food but can't be trusted to cook right now. I clearly need pizza.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

and it felt like falling

I walk into Trig and am greeted by HotTrigGuy standing and throwing his hands up in the air and saying "SuperStar's here!" and since I'm sometimes bad with compliments (esp when I want to neatly fade into the background) and brush it off with a "Ah, whatever.." and a smile.

I get settled in and help the student next to me who speaks predominantly Spanish, and then I try to study, but my cheeks are still hot from the loud compliment.

Travis puts the exams at the front of the room and a line of students form there, each turning in homework and picking up a test, like lambs to slaughter.

The time passes as I fidget, I scribble, I erase, feverishly working. HotTrigGuy waits for me after class so we can compare notes on the test, as we've become accustomed to doing. I say aloud that it was the hardest test yet, but that I think I did well.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

weighing the literal costs

So, I've got a couple of flowcharts made so far, and potential budgets for every outcome.

The situation is as such:

-Waiting, agonizingly, to find out about the internship. If I get it, clearly I'm taking it. It pays and will help me to afford WHATEVER I end up doing over the fall (in Pensacola or Tampa).

-Due dates for fieldschool applications are around the same time; May 1st for the Yukon and May 4th for Tanana Basin, Alaska. Yukon cost is $1,470 and Tanana Basin is about $960, unless I've done the math incorrectly. But I MUCH prefer the Yukon dig; it incorporates many cultural ant. projects, while Tanana is more strictly Archaeologically oriented, and we will be working side by side with local tribal groups, and even attending a potlatch to honor the recently deceased son of the one of the leaders.

Because field school costs money, instead of paying me for my time, it leaves me less able to afford a potential move. My coffers will be nearly emptied. And since I'll be away I won't be working here, but I'll still have to pay my rent, unless I "move out" of my apartment and figure something out when I get home. Then I'll just have to rent a storage facility.

Moving to Pensacola to go to school in the fall IS within my budget right now, if I don't spend a ton of money over the summer, but there will be court costs to consider, because Harry's not willing to even negotiate with a mediator.

Once I've figured out what IS and ISN'T even plausible, I can make a pot of tea and sit down to meditate on my options. I'm considering calling in a professional, as well, for some advice.

Monday, April 27, 2009

fortune cookies

Hullo, just sitting here at work but I wanted to share this with you. I just got the most appropos fortune in my cookie:

"It's not the plan that is important, it's the planning"

That's EXACTLY right on for today. My fb status is all "serious choices, blah blah" today, too.

Oh, and the other side of my fortune told me how to say 'watermelon' in chinese and I WAS LITERALLY EATING WATERMELON right then. I wish I was eating chinese food, but hey. Poor planning, I guess?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

the feminists lied to me

There's been a recent surge of affirmative action in family courts leading to fathers being given custody and support more frequently, but at the same time, traditional values are still holding sway (at least here, in this culture) which relegate mothers to packing lunches, folding underwear, and other intellectually stimulating endeavors instead of furthering their own careers.

I am feeling really irate because the last 4 years of my life were spent doing both- toiling over my books and exams and enriching my children's lives while living on a meager income. All the while, trying to get good enough grades. I've made it to the end of the road.

I'm graduating. And there is no celebration, only deep blackness.

To be hire-able in my field, I'll need my MA. I don't intend to work in FL, so getting my MA here in field ANT makes about as much sense as trying to get a job with Bear Stearns. As a concession to my family's needs, I'm pursuing finishing my BA here in FL, but apparently that's not enough.

I have to choose between doing this AT ALL or NOT AT ALL. And I'm not very happy about that. Harry's calling all the shots right now, and I think he kind of loves that all my work has been for naught.

Should I even bother, or should I just give in to what he wants?
Should I just pack up and leave?
Should I just get a job in a restaurant and have nothing for the rest of my life?

I'd have my kids, sort of. I mean, isn't that how our culture defines a woman, as a mother?

Saturday, April 25, 2009

I could win THAT challenge

Is there or is there not some kind of chickpea eating contest out there? I really think I'd have a shot. Oh, not quantity, sorry; I mean constancy. I could probably eat them everyday for, I don't know, 2 months? forever?

Anyways, that has nothing to do with this but I am watching a movie that Drew left with me a year and a half ago. Remember that guy, Drew, that I dated? He was the friend of one of Cassie's friends. He said, "Oh, watch this (The 40 Year Old Virgin), it's really funny!" and I couldn't bear to, for all this time.

But it took watching 'I Love You, Man' (with Jason Segal and Paul Rudd) last night to make me google Paul Rudd (because he looks JUST LIKE my future colleague, Krebs) to see what else he'd been in. And apparently he's in this movie that's been sitting on my bookshelf for almost 2 years.

And that has very little to do with this, except it's hilarious, too.

Friday, April 24, 2009

experimental cookie update

Little pats of butter, and Conner peeking over the edge of the table...

Food processor, which just blended chickpeas and a few tablespoons of cream.

Oatmeal cookies!

So, Harry arrived just as these were coming out of the oven. He likes healthy food, and even bakes birthday cakes for the kids with low amounts of sugar. We figured he was a good candidate to taste test these.

We asked him to identify the "secret ingredient" and he identified the oatmeal and bananas right away, guessed coconut next!

Thanks for the tip, Amy!!

the great cookie experiment

I am about to make cookies, and my non-recipe is non-traditional. Wish us luck.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

an email from Dr. Worth

So, the field school in Pensacola is not going to work out for me this year. It's been a bit of a blow to me, and a reminder that when you have a timetable, you damn well better stick to it! [in the fall, I knew I could graduate and go on to university to get to work on my upper level anthro courses if I got an A or a B in my math class, but instead I didn't do well enough in Dr. Geiger's trig class and had to stay at SPC for the spring, to finish up. Therefore, I didn't get my upper level pre-req's done before the summer semester.]

Field school there was my plan B anyhow, but I liked having a solid plan B. Plan A is really more of a pipe dream. When I first brought it up, I asked my friend, John Krebs III, if he believed in praying. And then a moment later, if he would say a prayer for me. His answer was yes, but that he advocates expecting the worst, so you can be pleasantly surprised when you are wrong, but I'm having a hard time with that.

But, I've applied to UWF and they genuinely sound like they want me, but it's not official yet. I applied to FSU, too, but I'm cranky with them for a few reasons, and might not really consider going there if accepted, even though 3 weeks ago, I really did want to.

Instead, I've been house hunting in P'cola, via craigslist. And I can really see in my mind's eye my things packed up and in the back of a small U haul truck. I can see my new home (away from home??), my residence for this new phase of life that is unfurling like young leaves. I see a brick house with a bay window and a backyard. I think I'll buy a used piano, since we've grown used to having one around. How apt, to be finding a way for new beginnings when springtime is hitting us full force here.

I won't be settling in until right before the fall semester starts, though. And it will be a bittersweet move, since the kids will stay here for the first semester I'm away. But I shouldn't get ahead of myself; I still have the uncertainties of summer to deal with.

Monday, April 20, 2009

and because comfort reading tends to be done with a snack in tow...

I'm also re-committing myself to getting back to the gym and in better shape.

Not that I've gained a ton of weight or anything, maybe just a few pounds in the past month or so, but I feel like improving my cardiovascular health has been on the back burner. And I don't see the same muscular definition that i saw a few months ago. I guess this means no more afternoon chocolate bars? No more late night snacks when I'm already full? No more carb laden breakfasts?

comfort reading??

What do you do when things in your life are shaky or times loom with uncertainty?

I get back to reading. When life is beribboned and gay, it's easy to let the books sit silently, but certain situations (ie; breakups) call for comfort reading.

Starting in the middle of last week, I picked up The Long Winter, a Little House book that I'd first read when I was still in elementary school. I read it in 24 hours. Then, a day or so later, I moved on to Little Town on the Prairie, the next book in the series.

You guessed it, since then, I have read from there through the next two books (the last two in the series) as well.

I've been reading These Happy Golden Years to Cora, strangely enough she wanted to read that one next, skipping Plum Creek and everything that happens before the spring after the long winter... Oh well, I've just been explaining as we go what the heck everyone's talking about. Like when she asked me "Mom, Mary's BLIND??" and "She went to college??".

Ok, so for the sake of not talking to myself- what is your comfort read of choice?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

the berry-eaters

Dover, FL, was a success today. Mission accomplished. I'm tired, dirty, and daydreaming of how in touch with my humanity I would feel living on a farm!

In case you've never been "you-pick" berry picking, the story is that organic farmers hire field hands when their season starts. Those choice berries go to markets all over the place and then they open for "you-pick" when the general public can come in and get berries dirt cheap.

It's not easy work, since it's so hot and sunny and many of the remaining berries are small, buggy, dry, or still under ripe. But amid all of the duds are more good ones! Anthropologically, this is fascinating to me. The kids and I wandered the field and let ourselves be drawn to the right spots. My method is to let my vision blur a little as I walk and when RED and SHINY catches my eye, I drift over and focus a bit.

The sun heats the berries, which burst sweetly between your teeth. Gnats and small black ants are our cousins in the field, searching from row to row. The biggest ones seem to hide in the center of the plant, but the most flavorful ones are the ones that extend from the plant and are roasting in the afternoon light.

The berries continue to ripen throughout the season, so if I was to go next weekend, there'd be a whole new set of berries to pick. But, as it is, I have my work cut out for me... it's time to make my ruby-red preserves.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

the highlights

4/18 Cora's school carnival
4/19 berry picking/preserves

4/20 dept meetings/Chinese food at work
4/21 school/work/school- asking out the cute guy in my trig class
4/22 I guess I should take my computer competency test this day
4/23 coffee/drinks and then the theater broadcast of This American Life- Live!
4/24 farmers market with Amy, leave for camping trip

4/25 camping
4/26 etc

4/27 work, yawn
4/28 " "
4/29 " "
4/30 final exam for World Religions

5/2 SAT TEST DAY!!!!

5/5 Trig final exam
5/7 Death Cab For Cutie at the Hardrock!!!
5/8 brunch at Conner's school, final grades are due, maybe my last day of work?

5/9 get my car in my possession finally

bouyancy, troughs, and crests

Did I tell you that I think the worst has passed? [NEVER MIND- I just looked at his facebook page and he's now "single" (lol, what, by default? since he never faced up to the break up??!!!!!!) and I hadn't realized that this would cut me to the quick... why doesn't he just go and delete me as a friend? why don't I?]

Which doesn't mean that there won't be low points. For example, last night I sat on the front steps and earnestly wished for a black wool pea coat, 4 sizes too big, being laid across my shoulders.

But Thursday was so phenomenal I started to think that just maybe I really would be moving on (and truly better off for it) when rolling waves of pity for him hit my shores.

Pity, because his problems are not the kind you can sort out in one introspective week. Because he will move on and find himself with someone else (someone better than me?) and he will ruin it again, because his problems are so huge and he hasn't the motivation to better himself. It's sad, really.

And every little daydream glimpse I've had of moving on partners me with someone who is actively living and pursuing betterment. I feel ashamed that my happy vision for myself doesn't revolve around self reliance and singleness, I think that would be stoic and wonderful of me, though.

So, onto other news:

I moved one batch of watermelon seedlings into a big pot, where I might try to keep them, to see if they will bear fruit there. The two small pots of Mesclun sprouts are being split today, each small pot of veritably overgrown. The cilantro and spearmint haven't shown yet.

The kids and I are going to Cora's school for a PTA carnival (today) and strawberry picking (probably tomorrow). Then time for making preserves!!!! Wooo!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

this needs addressing today also...

So, I was over at Liberty Belle's blog and reading about how she feels about the "fat cats" that are getting away with millions and million of dollars since our whole economic situation started smoking and making awful grinding noises.

As you know it's April 15th, and it's the last day to file your taxes. So patriots across the nation took it upon themselves to use today for Tea Party protests. I love it!

But I don't believe in not paying taxes- I just get all riled up at the idea of taxation without representation. Maybe we expect this to mean something different than it did 200 years ago, but our point is a good one.

I don't like the bailouts. Some people have lost their life savings and others (who made grave mistakes) walk away richer than ever.

People who took out loans they couldn't realistically afford are being helped, and those who live withing their means will continue to scrape by, on the sweat of their efforts. I wager those who made bad choices aren't learning much from this, except that CRIME PAYS?

However, I have some beef with Liberty Belle's crowd.

1) Obama did not create these problems. I see a lot of folks blaming the dude, and waxing poetic about their beloved Republican party, but seriously. Come on.

2) Our endearing ex-Pres spent the next generations tax dollars on a ridiculous war. Thanks a heap. At least the stimulus package is intended to fix our own problems, which is what we should have been focused on all along.
Much effort has gone into keeping me busy this past weekend, and it was phenomenally divertive.

Thursday night, Helen convinced me to go to the New Gasoline Alley for Sam's show. It was pretty cool and the theme, retro-night, applied to the pricing scheme.

Saturday night was Chad's birthday "party" at cousin Sean's house. Turned out to be much less of an event than I had anticipated, however Helen, Mike, and Lloyd showed up which made it funner for me. Then I went home (drunk) to make some pancakes and play a late night game of Scrabble with Justin, Helen, and Sam. That was unexpected and great.

Sunday, Justin and I struck out for Busch Gardens which was insane. I couldn't speak all day on Monday. And half of Tuesday. :) Because of screaming on scary rides and talking in line for scary rides. Seriously, I don't know if you can comprehend these roller coasters. Oh, and the comparatively benign river rapids ride got me with it's waterfall. Soaked to the bone!

The kids and I stayed busy here on Monday night but they were so well behaved it surprised me, and last night Amy and Charles came over. Red wine, herbed brie, crackers, and a lot of adult conversation, wooo!

Thanks, friends!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

of course, it WOULD rain cats and dogs on hobo-Tuesday

On Tuesdays, I usually feel compelled to stay on campus, because getting home and getting back there again more often than not makes me late for my evening class, and I usually only get a half hour at home for all that effort anyway.

One important part of hobo-Tuesday is the sleeping in a public place, since I invariably am subsisting on about 3 hours and it isn't fun. I prefer napping under an oak on the grassy lawn in the center of the campus, but I'll settle for the upstairs lobby of the Math & Science building, I guess. But maybe I should edit hobo-Tuesday so that it revolves around pies stolen off window sills or flasks of gin?? I think I am onto something here.

Anyways, I know all this rain is good for us; we've had some serious drought-age here in Pinellas County. Tampa has OUTLAWED watering yards unless you have reclaimed water. We've been importing water for our municipalities, home to over a million people. Which is ironic, because everywhere you look is water.

Our garden plants will be delighted, I know.

It's 3:34 am and I thought you might need a Decemberists fix, too

Delightfully ridiculous, and no, I'm not drunk. Ha ha ha.

Monday, April 13, 2009

guilt and confoundedness

My weekend was kept spectacularly festive, busy, and spry (more on that tomorrow) thanks to the diligent efforts of those who love and support me, but I'm still processing the, er, break up.

So. I heard from someone that Billy said I had acted "psycho" when I went to his house (to break up with him). Really? I mean, we were exclusive for a couple of months and I needed to know we were both on the same page about the break up. I tried to contact him by phone, and I'm sorry but I am above texting a break up message.

Still haven't heard anything from him like "thanks for my cds", or "yeah, we should break up" or anything (why do I expect to?). I deleted his number from my phone, but not all of the messages lurking within.

And he's still on my facebook page. That one is kind of upsetting me. He just made his facebook page, right before the good weekend we had, which was immediately before he disappeared. He hasn't deleted me as a friend, and I haven't done it either.

And do you know why I haven't? Because I really don't want to NEVER talk to him again. But he wants to never speak to me, apparently, because I'm awful for wanting closure. So why hasn't he deleted me as a friend?

This breaks my f-ing heart. I know he's got major problems (too many to list), and I'm pretty sure I'm better off this way, but I still think he's unlike anybody else. To which Helen pointed out: EVERYONE'S unique.

I'm listening to Engine Driver, by the Decemberists and the chorus, which was taken as a contractual agreement between us one afternoon reminds me that there is no other way. ...and if you don't love me, let me go. Unfortunately, this is where the title's guilt comes in; I love him (and his faults) and I let go anyways. Because I had to assume that what he wanted, and I ran out of the saintliness needed to continue in patience.

And I'm still at the stage where I'm going over it all, again and again. I have a hundred questions that will never be asked and never have answers. There's nothing to do but walk away.

And maybe get one of these?

Friday, April 10, 2009

I wish I knew what to tell you

My beach day was great, but my errand in that part of town had another purpose that I kept to myself...

I was going to go and make the End official.

And ending it is something I really don't want, which makes my decision feel silly, but I can't live like this ("this" being sleepless, with my stomach in knots, pulse racing, and generally distraught) either.

I don't know if you remember, but several months ago I said boldly that, from then on out, I whould avoid dating someone I really like, because that's more troublesome. If you only get involved with people you don't really care about, worst case scenario, you're TRULY better off without them.

Anyways, there was no closure. I arrived, I knocked, there was no answer, so I put 2 of his cds on the doorstep and crossed the street to sun and swim and have a wonderful afternoon. A couple of hours later, I returned, knocked, and again there was no answer. Which, basically, was my answer. I think?

I really have no idea. Part of me thinks he's depressed, wants to be alone, etc and this has nothing to do with me. The other part of me thinks he doesn't like me and that this is his lazy-man way of handling a break up.

bona fide day off work

My plans are all things a car-less person can do... but I intend to have a really great day off. No way am I staying in and folding laundry or doing homework or something.

No, I am going to the beach in a bit. I've got spf 70 for the back tattoo, however the rest of me could use a little sun glow. Really, this is the sort of day when I KNOW how lucky I am to live here. At the drop of a hat I can go sink myself in white sand (and shells) with a book in hand and hopefully a jack and ginger tucked in my tote bag, and while away the day.

Other things on the agenda; take bike to bike shop (not looking forward to this errand, but last chance to do this before Monday), hopefully go to the gym (they also have normal hours today, woo), and then maybe I will get to that laundry folding and homework after all, since tomorrow I'll be headed to a cookout/birthday party for my cousin in law. Chad Greene- all these years you've been at all our keg parties and birthday parties and what not, partying with the best of 'em, but cheers to you! Happy 21st!!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

at least I'm feeling brainy

The weeks are slipping away and graduation is nearly upon us. I have another Trig exam tomorrow night, and I'm actually really looking forward to it :)

Kind of like how training myself for taking the SATs again is turning into a game. God, I love competition, even when it's just with myself. Although, I did score a healthy 255 points in a Scrabble match against a (very) smart person last night.

But seriously, I am trying to get a perfect score on the SAT. I know, maybe that's asking a lot, but I did really well before, and I know THAT much more now ten years later. I just have to re-stretch my brain muscles and jump in.

Oh, and speaking of needing validation (I know we weren't but hey)... I'm driving Brian's truck for practice tomorrow afternoon, which is awesomely rad, but I think I need to be careful about this. There was a reason (I'm SURE of it) that I said I would never speak to him again, never see him again, and then as a final compromise, never ever hang out alone with him.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

it's no wonder I was suspicious

... my wave was cresting.

Financially, nothing has changed, I'm still going to be ok. In fact, I have enough money to pursue an archaeology field school now, and I really didn't think that would even be an option this summer (because field school is expensive! and I have bills here to pay while I'm gone! and there's airfare to consider!). And so, because of that, I DIDN'T APPLY to any. I applied to paid internships instead. And I have to wait until May to find out if I've gotten in or not, by which point I should already have tickets purchased and all the necessary travel visas acquired if I am going elsewhere.

Several deadlines have passed me by, but there are still a few I'm checking out.

-I called Dr. Kimball about the Mongolian one that I had my little heart set on, but they are all going over their field notes this summer instead of digging.

-Because I messed up the carefully planned academic symphony I had arranged, I don't have a credit for ANT 3031, which means UWF is out, and possible the Yukon field school as well, unless they give me special permission. I am definitely going to ask for it.

But then the conflict is Danny's wedding in Colorado... June 6th. I'm not flying out the Alaska for a couple of days, flying to CO, then back to Alaska a few days later. And I'm not going to just show up to field school 4 days late. NO WAY.

And I'm not missing Danny's wedding. NO WAY.

On top of all of that, Harry called me today to tell me he's applied for a job with U.S. Customs/Border Security in the Virgin Islands. To which I replied something cheerful and optimistic... and then he told me that if he gets it I HAVE TO MOVE THERE?? IF I want to maintain a relationship with the kids? Um, no. I didn't ask HIM to move to P'cola or Tally. I applied. IF I get in, then I have choices to make. My kids belong with me 50% of the time (and the rest of the time, I'll drive several hours to see them), but I think this might end up being more complicated than I expected. The Virgin Islands, really?

This was all followed by some lovely insults.

Oh, and I'm paranoid (yes, again) and thinking that my bf is going to break up with me via never calling me again. Yes, I realize you want to gouge out my eyes when I act like this. I'm SORRY.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Regardless of what I SHOULD be doing right now, I'm reflecting on the big stuff today.

Here's why:

My days have been thematically arranged lately. This could give me the impression that there is something "running the show" and trying to make me notice things.

For example, the other day everything was IN MY SPACE. I'm not kidding, in every way possible, this was the overall theme of the day. I mean, a bug flew into my nose. A tree ant was caught in my dress while I was at work. And Paul WOULD NOT STOP hounding me to go out (alone) with him, even though I've said we could hang out "just as friends".

Yesterday's theme was certainly "mini-emergencies" around the house and in our world.
Nothing extreme, but I did have to put on my thinking cap and go problem solving, which is a wonderful thing to do.

The other thing I was thinking about is love, and if it is always this awful painful experience. On days like today, I feel really inexperienced (in spite of two engagements, one marriage, and a few betrayals). I have no clue what things should feel like.

I look back and remember lots of pain with all the love, but part of me wants to think that if there is any negative component it's "a bad idea". I want to ban pain in conjunction with love.

And needs, I want to ban needing. Part of me is aching because there are things I need to say and I don't know how. It's true, intimacy is a gradual process, and better not rushed, so I've held off from anything too... attached? Which leaves me wondering if I've made an error.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

as a weight is lifted from my shoulders

The feeling that all outcomes are equal is a little foreign to me. I usually tend to be overly attached to everything, but more often it's situations and beliefs that I have a hard time recalibrating, rather than dealing with material attachments.

As a child, my mom (an Aquarius) wanted to impress upon me the value in not getting one's hopes too high, because of the risk of vast disappoint. The lesson never really stuck; I always go into things headlong and sometimes excessively (and all the while claiming to be a moderate!), and then I try and console myself when it all tumbles by saying that it just can't be avoided.

But when things really are going well, how do you take that? Cautiously? Or do you revel in it, soak it all up?

And things are good right now. Just good, good, good.

It is a miracle, but economically, I've seen my balances and I know I can handle all of these school expenses (paying for a few tests, applications, and my grad fees), I can handle our upcoming move (whether in town or out of town, is yet to be seen, but there is a move coming either way), I can even handle NOT getting the internship (plus stipend), if that's how it all plays out. I'd rather get it than not, but I'll BE OK either way.

Seriously, though, I'd like input on how you feel when life is (suspiciously) great... do you take that as an indicator of being on the right path? or do you think everything seemingly lined up can be just a fluke?

Friday, April 3, 2009

well, there goes my anonymity!! jk

No seriously, I couldn't have been more delighted to get a facebook friend req from Billy just now. Too cute.

I happened to log in for a quick minute and thought, "Gee? A friend request? From whom????"

And it was a happy surprise.

But, do I need to go back and delete anything I've posted? Hmmm.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

it's too early for this kind of nonsense

BUT I AM SEARCHING HIGH AND LOW for the stupid title to the stupid broken down Saturn. Because I get to sell it today for 200 stupid dollars. And, get this, I have been searching since before 5 am.

When do I ever wake up at 5 am??

I'll tell you when, that's an easy one: When I have a plane to catch, or someone I love has a plane to catch, or when Brian convinces me it's a good idea to wake up at 5 to go ride 30 freakin miles by bike (in the cold).

Ha, that's funny, my alarm just went off on my phone, and I've already listened to 4 albums while searching and cleaning and going through random crap.

Tell me, WHY the F--- don't I know where this stupid little piece of paper is??? Argh!!!!!!

I'm so cranky about this. I hate being disorganized, and I was actually getting quite on top of things until two small brunette whirlwinds tore through my room the other day and upended a few boxes of stuff I had salvaged from the Saturn all over the floor... and the title was in there. And now, it is NOWHERE. :(

I want a sugar fix. I want this to all go away.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

really? rat pap smears didn't illicit ANY response from you?


Anyways, I am applying to the big universities now. My time here is just about done. I have been really NOT that into the USF thing, because I don't see myself moving to Tampa (there is just not much that could make me want to live in Tampa) and the commute makes me feel like skipping class in a really bad way.

No, I know myself, I know I'm too lazy.

I have to live just a few miles from my campus or I'll find reasons to not go.

So, of course, that means I'm applying at UWF (Pensacola) and FSU (Tallahassee), in addition to the (somewhat dreaded) USF Tampa.

And, let me tell you, housing is CHEAP in N. Florida! Wooowee. Compared to here anyways. Yes, I'd be taking Helen with me.