mystery of mysterys... seriously

Last week, right before school started and my nerves were fraught and frayed, and on a night when my kids had woken me up a bit (not used to that anymore), and so on, I had a weird middle of the night phone call. I think it came at 4 am. Then an odd text from the same number "Sorry, my sister f---ed up".

Ok, so whoever called me accidentally

1) has my phone number saved

OR

2) has a friend with a number very similar to mine and mis-dialed

AND

has a sister.


Sorry to have put you through my initial deductive work unnecessarily but I looked at the number and wanted to smack myself. You know, you can delete a number but that doesn't mean that person will delete yours! I guess it seems like when stuff ends badly that's a given, but apparently it's not.

So, yeah. Got another mystery call last night/this morning. It's 3 am and I am in a happy place, right? And I get a call I ignore. They leave a voicemail I am unaware of until 7 am. They call back 5 min after the first call and I pick up on autopilot (BTW me on sleepy autopilot is about as funny and stupid as it gets) and he proceeds to identify himself as the friend of the owner of the recognizable phone number. A friend I was acquainted with 10 years ago.

AND THEY TRY TO MAKE PLANS WITH ME. FOR RIGHT THEN.

"Uh, I have class in Tampa, IN THE MORNING. I think maybe you have the wrong number?"

Ok, the next person who wants to call me and disturb my R.E.M. OH BOY I am going to have words with you.

And I thought B had been kinda pushing it when he called at 11 last night...

a few days away from all out insanity? nahhhh

"Everything will be ok, everything will be fine..." I chanted to myself as I lay huddled on the floor between the kitchen and living room.

My kids were playing upstairs, I could hear them, so I let myself just wallow for a bit, not wanting them to see me upset and knowing they would make plenty of noise coming down the stairs. At least the "everything will be ok" motivational speech was an improvement. Minutes before I was crying out that I just couldn't take it anymore.

"It" being the constant cooking and cleaning (and scrubbing, on hands and knees), over and over, with no appreciation.

First, I was making lunch. Fresh fish. My mom's recipe for red snapper; a tomato, onion, and garlic sauce. The kids had just informed me that they weren't going to eat fish (even though at the grocery store, 24 hours earlier, I asked them if they wanted some fish this week and they said YES) and then they ran upstairs to play, when I splattered red sauce all over my brand new white wrap style blouse. And then, I took to the floor, fetal-style.

Once I got up there was a blur of activity. Helen and I nearly ripped the shirt off of me as I poured ginger ale on it, and then I got out some of the spray-on stuff she has around that is miraculously formulated.

White blouse was saved.

But what about my mental health? Seriously. I'm in a bind here.

This is the situation- I have been eating mostly clean un-processed foods with the exception of some beer and a tortilla at Brian's house a few weeks ago, and a little Greek dressing on a salad I had at Ikea yesterday (origin of the dressing unknown). And this kind of eating takes more work than eating just whatever. And I honestly need to eat every 3 hours.

Planning, shopping, washing prep stuff, etc. Now, with school starting again, I have to really be on the ball, but time will be a big factor.

Now, I love my roommate, you know that. She is as important to me as my own family. And I want what's best for her, and I'd love it if she cut out fast and highly processed foods... but she's not capable of doing it for herself and I just can't do it all! I can't do all the shopping and cooking and cleaning for both of us to eat clean, and I feel terribly guilty to do it just for myself... that seems so selfish.

So I don't know what to do. Can I just lay on the floor and moan a bit more? Can I have a snack? I'm starving already.

so went out with that anthro-guy the other night...

Maybe I was too generous when I described him as "wonderful" and "considerate"... I was poignantly reminded why, years ago, I had nicknamed him " _____ the Asshole".


I picked him up at his parents' house in the burg and we proceeded towards the tavern.

Literal "banter" from the first five minutes of the date...


me: so... you know how to drive manual transmission?

him: of course I do. I have a cock (gestures); I can do anything.



And, later on.


him: awww.... should we get you a map so you can find first?? [first gear]



him [during our vicious scrabble match at the bar]: you are making this game completely worthless!



me: you are SO much less annoying with your clothes off!


He started to open up and not be such a jerk when we were approaching his parents' house again. We were actually talking and sitting in the car and then I said maybe we should drive around the block, since we were getting along for a bit.

We went to Crescent Lake for a little while, and then I took him back home, before I'd feel compelled to strangle him again. He kissed me good bye and told me to not 'be such a stranger', and said that I'm still welcome to stay with him this summer, when I'm in Pensacola.

Ha, right.

the feminists lied to me

There's been a recent surge of affirmative action in family courts leading to fathers being given custody and support more frequently, but at the same time, traditional values are still holding sway (at least here, in this culture) which relegate mothers to packing lunches, folding underwear, and other intellectually stimulating endeavors instead of furthering their own careers.

I am feeling really irate because the last 4 years of my life were spent doing both- toiling over my books and exams and enriching my children's lives while living on a meager income. All the while, trying to get good enough grades. I've made it to the end of the road.

I'm graduating. And there is no celebration, only deep blackness.


To be hire-able in my field, I'll need my MA. I don't intend to work in FL, so getting my MA here in field ANT makes about as much sense as trying to get a job with Bear Stearns. As a concession to my family's needs, I'm pursuing finishing my BA here in FL, but apparently that's not enough.

I have to choose between doing this AT ALL or NOT AT ALL. And I'm not very happy about that. Harry's calling all the shots right now, and I think he kind of loves that all my work has been for naught.

Should I even bother, or should I just give in to what he wants?
Should I just pack up and leave?
Should I just get a job in a restaurant and have nothing for the rest of my life?

I'd have my kids, sort of. I mean, isn't that how our culture defines a woman, as a mother?

hmm, I don't think I've never tried to sabotage my own relationship before

I did something really awful, rather dishonorable, and altogether juvenile last night. Pretty much the 3rd worst thing you can do when you are dating someone you REALLY like- I looked in my boyfriend's blackberry while he was passed out drunk/sleeping.

And I saw something sort of bad in there (re: questionable fidelity).

And then I tried to wake him, firmly, but calmly to say what I had to say (which was basically accusing him of cheating).

And then, what? I took a gun out and shot my own foot off??


He was understandably upset that I had the nerve to read a text in his phone, and that we were even discussing it, but he held to the fact his actions have been spotless since we've been together. For the first time ever, we were both angry at each other. I offered to sleep in Helen's room, but he asked me not to. I was still very upset and went downstairs for a while.

Lloyd (Billy's old college roommate) and Helen were still hanging out and received me with open arms. They were very supportive; they think Billy and I have (had?) something worth working at and they both agreed that the text message I was upset about WAS in fact inappropriate, but that I should give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. I do acknowledge that texts are not the same thing as actions.

Remorse isn't a grave enough word. Not nearly. There are no words to explain how I wanted to swallow those ten stupid, awful minutes, so that they could never exist. Never see the light of day.

HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THAT??!! I'm sure I'd be irate if he'd gone snooping in my phone.

I went upstairs and crawled into bed and just said, "Billy? Can you please forgive me, I am sooo-" and he shushed my apology, said I was forgiven, and held me for a moment. We whispered small comforts and he fell back into a deep sleep, one where he didn't seem to know I was even there. I had a fitful night, incredibly INCREDIBLY embarrassed and fearful and so on, barely falling asleep before daylight crept in.

pretty sure Fiona Apple understands stuff like this

You know, Craig Ferguson once told her during an interview that she's a "very complicated woman", but that he likes that, lol. And I think that is how I feel right now; complicated.


Remember how I said that I believe in the magic spark between two people, even though there are risks? Well, I'm here to up the ante.

Without wanting to say too much about this, I happen to actually know that Billy cares for me in quite a serious way. He has shown this to me, by saying that any flaw I may have is nothing to him if he can be with me. And sadly, I am flawed.


Tonight I had to ask Mike if anything awful had happened to Billy that would explain why he left me hanging on a Saturday night when he initiated making plans with me just yesterday. Mike's answer is that this is just who he is. That's Bill. That's who he is. He does this to "everyone", according to Mike. He simply flakes out and no one can get a hold of him from time to time regardless of their plans with him. It's part and parcel with his genius side, with his silly side, with his compassionate side, with his irreverent side, with his generous, caring side.

And somehow, as sad as it is to think this could be something I'd get used to, I'm finding myself thinking that I CAN meet him halfway on this. I'm upset at the behavior, but I miraculously still love him (and I am not an easily forgiving person!). This is his flaw and I want to do as he did with me and embrace him fully, in spite of it.