Monday, April 13, 2009

guilt and confoundedness

My weekend was kept spectacularly festive, busy, and spry (more on that tomorrow) thanks to the diligent efforts of those who love and support me, but I'm still processing the, er, break up.

So. I heard from someone that Billy said I had acted "psycho" when I went to his house (to break up with him). Really? I mean, we were exclusive for a couple of months and I needed to know we were both on the same page about the break up. I tried to contact him by phone, and I'm sorry but I am above texting a break up message.

Still haven't heard anything from him like "thanks for my cds", or "yeah, we should break up" or anything (why do I expect to?). I deleted his number from my phone, but not all of the messages lurking within.

And he's still on my facebook page. That one is kind of upsetting me. He just made his facebook page, right before the good weekend we had, which was immediately before he disappeared. He hasn't deleted me as a friend, and I haven't done it either.

And do you know why I haven't? Because I really don't want to NEVER talk to him again. But he wants to never speak to me, apparently, because I'm awful for wanting closure. So why hasn't he deleted me as a friend?

This breaks my f-ing heart. I know he's got major problems (too many to list), and I'm pretty sure I'm better off this way, but I still think he's unlike anybody else. To which Helen pointed out: EVERYONE'S unique.

I'm listening to Engine Driver, by the Decemberists and the chorus, which was taken as a contractual agreement between us one afternoon reminds me that there is no other way. ...and if you don't love me, let me go. Unfortunately, this is where the title's guilt comes in; I love him (and his faults) and I let go anyways. Because I had to assume that what he wanted, and I ran out of the saintliness needed to continue in patience.

And I'm still at the stage where I'm going over it all, again and again. I have a hundred questions that will never be asked and never have answers. There's nothing to do but walk away.

And maybe get one of these?

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