I wanted there to be tiny rat guillotines in this title

But there was no better way to work that in, since I'm feeling pretty happy right now.

In the car, when it was 95 degrees and awful, I thought I'd title this one 'who knew tiny rat guillotines would be registering on the sexy-meter??' but I decided to let. it. go.

It's kind of a long tail, are you ready?


So, yesterday was completely devoted to getting that paper off the ground. I did as much as I could stand and then left for the beach. Stopped by the bf's house (his ACTUAL HOUSE folks: I think we are getting somewhere on this comes-with-the-wind kind of flakiness)to pick him up and then I pulled a bait an switch... He assumed we were just going to hang out on the beach near his house, but off we went to go meet up with some people I know (mostly friends of Cousin Sean and Kandice). It was awkward because of some odd drama Billy was privy to regarding CrazyBob (Billy's totally whack 60 yo roommate) and his estranged brother who, it turns out, is the father of one of my acquaintances, and was in attendance at this little gathering.

Was weird and really awkward. And too cold for sunning or swimming anyways, although we tried. So we left after a short while. Later that night, after I submitted my paper, Billy came over and we eased out of the awkwardness and into the night.

He played songs on the guitar and wanted me to sing, which I happily did (and loudly). We played Osho Zen. We went outside and gawked at my crazy neighbors.

And then, in the afterglow of our union (ahem), there we were- laying on the livingroom floor bed that we've grown accustomed to making on those nights when my kids are sleeping upstairs, we talked about all sorts of things (mostly about SATs and college and science). He told me a story about a girl he 'knew' once. I assumed he meant that in the biblical sense of the word, but I was certain when he brought up the lab rats.

A whole year and a half ago, I felt self conscious about the idea of dating him because I happened to know that his ex was a neuroscientist (genius??). I felt like there is just something so hot about that much intelligence, and I stopped dead in my tracks.

Well, I agreed with him that any job that includes goggles and a lab coat is pretty much the greatest thing eva. And he told me a story about his ex giving little rats pap smears and then using the tiny guillotine.

I pondered aloud what it must DO to a person, to make a living like that.

He pondered aloud, back at me, that I should be asking what it DOESN'T do to you.

this one's for the nerds in the house

So, last night, when I had gotten as far as I could stand it with unraveling U.S. Govt public policy and the Bureau of Indian Affairs (paper writing season), I popped in this documentary, Spellbound. It follows 8 gifted spellers from their homes to Washington D.C. where they were all competing in the National Bee. Anthropologically it was entertaining to see what effects socioeconomic status, schools, families, hopes, and fears had on these children.

Helen and I both LOVE words. And nerdy competitions. I just really felt for these kids, I really got into it. That's not to say that I didn't fall asleep halfway through (I did), but when I woke up at 6:30 for no apparent reason other than finding myself still downstairs, on the couch- I found where I had drifted off and watched another 20 minutes (before I fell asleep again).

some thoughts

- Trampolines are good clean fun.


- My Grecian sandals are in a sorry state now, seeing as that I BROKE them on the trampoline (2 footwear fatalities in one week now, betwixt Billy and I).


- My back really hurts from moving a stone bench with Lloyd (damn you, stone bench), and I've got numerous bruises and whatnot. Some of them seem to be from Wednesday night, however I have no idea what caused them.


- The Mr. didn't go jumping with us last night, which was fine with me. I took it in stride; nothing personal. But we are scheming for Fort De Soto for Sunday, and I want (need?) him to materialize for that. Plus, I want to tell him about my sandals, and about Mike and Amy making out, and about all this fairly boring stuff.


- So, to that end, I am going to go write a paper. So that I can be free for beach time fun tomorrow!

anthro-post

I was listening to a folk musician/storyteller interview the other day on NPR's music website. I can't remember if it was part of the SXSW stuff they have on there or if it was just a link I lucked upon from their page of SXSW coverage, but either way, it was good stuff.

And then, I had some weird epiphany about fieldwork- If you recall, for several years now I've been planning on studying paleo Indian migrations. This stems from my fascinations with Asian culture, philosophy, and art, nomadic Siberian tribal life (origin of the word shaman comes from a group of these people, the Saman), the northwestern United States (in general), and my own South American heritage.

Kind of a wild mish-mash of reasons to want to study migration, but the other reason is as clear as day to me; I was a little kid and I came home from school with much enthusiasm about the Bering Strait. I think enthusiasm is a little weak for how I felt, I was so excited about this new information, I thought I might faint, or explode.

Anyways, I was listening to this interview and I thought (though not for the first time) about how when people migrate, they bring actual things with them which WILL show in the archaeological record, but they also bring ideas with them. One of the best papers I've ever written was about this.

And then I suddenly wanted scrap archaeology for scientific/cultural study. Creating a phylogeny, an evolutionary tree, of sorts for folk songs/stories (I'd be focusing on many different factors; tempo, range, word count, structure, and of course theme). From Korea through Central America.

the one where I didn't do anything excessively stupid

Instead, it's the one where Lloyd cooks a mean steak dinner, we all go to the beach in the middle of the night, and nearly lose 2 pairs of (really nice) sandals. It's the one where Billy gallantly says that at least mine were recovered, and that's good enough for him.

It's the one where we end up sleeping on my livingroom floor, although Lloyd offers us the couch. And in the morning, I dash out for a bit to take the kids to school and come home to finally squeeze in some alone time with the bf.


Thank goodness I get along so famously with the ole college buddy, because I'm quite sure he's going to be around for nearly all of our 'couple time' while he's in town.

Harry's off to Los Angeles

In a little while, I'm driving him to the dojo where he's meeting up with the guys. They're going to "roll" for a little while (their slang for grapple), and then head over to Palito's, and go.

Last time Harry went to L.A. for the Pan Am's, we had a fire begin spontaneously in our shed. It was terrifying to be home with the kids and to step outside and see our backyard ENGULFED in fire.

He also had only recently gotten his blue belt, so the competition was fierce.

This time, he's a mature blue belt and has really whipped himself into killer shape.
I'm feeling really proud right now, since I pretty much was the one who got him eating healthy and going to classes there at the Gracie Barra school.


That's my ex-husband for ya.

I do it, too

I was at school and work all day today, am home now listening to music, and I am just LOATH to leave it. I made a cup of coffee, I have homework to do, and the house needs cleaning. Harry's going to be in CA for a week starting tomorrow, so I'm going to have the kiddos NONSTOP, therefore this is my chance to get the housework done.

Oh, yeah, here's the point of this ramble: I also have a trig class I'm "supposed" to be at in 30 minutes. Ha, right.

I'd ride the bike (4.2 miles up hill) to get there, but because of the traffic lights and what not, that takes 30 minutes, and my rear tube needs replacing. Bullet's shop might still be open, so I can take it over there, but I'd have to do that now, and then by the time it's done, my class will be over. (I've got a real problem with time management, apparently)

I have no car, so I can't just drive. I could take the bus to school, however then my bike won't ever get to the shop!


To Bullet's! (I think... coffee first?)

hmm, I don't think I've never tried to sabotage my own relationship before

I did something really awful, rather dishonorable, and altogether juvenile last night. Pretty much the 3rd worst thing you can do when you are dating someone you REALLY like- I looked in my boyfriend's blackberry while he was passed out drunk/sleeping.

And I saw something sort of bad in there (re: questionable fidelity).

And then I tried to wake him, firmly, but calmly to say what I had to say (which was basically accusing him of cheating).

And then, what? I took a gun out and shot my own foot off??


He was understandably upset that I had the nerve to read a text in his phone, and that we were even discussing it, but he held to the fact his actions have been spotless since we've been together. For the first time ever, we were both angry at each other. I offered to sleep in Helen's room, but he asked me not to. I was still very upset and went downstairs for a while.

Lloyd (Billy's old college roommate) and Helen were still hanging out and received me with open arms. They were very supportive; they think Billy and I have (had?) something worth working at and they both agreed that the text message I was upset about WAS in fact inappropriate, but that I should give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. I do acknowledge that texts are not the same thing as actions.

Remorse isn't a grave enough word. Not nearly. There are no words to explain how I wanted to swallow those ten stupid, awful minutes, so that they could never exist. Never see the light of day.

HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THAT??!! I'm sure I'd be irate if he'd gone snooping in my phone.

I went upstairs and crawled into bed and just said, "Billy? Can you please forgive me, I am sooo-" and he shushed my apology, said I was forgiven, and held me for a moment. We whispered small comforts and he fell back into a deep sleep, one where he didn't seem to know I was even there. I had a fitful night, incredibly INCREDIBLY embarrassed and fearful and so on, barely falling asleep before daylight crept in.

kinderblog, wunderkind

My kid has a blog now.



It will most likely be her little animal stories, but I anticipate watching her put her more personal thoughts in print, too.

She's excited about the chance to share photos too, but I'm going to be here, hovering, wielding the mom-baton of final say.

whilest I envy the married people

Many times over you've heard me say that I loved being married and that I was an excellent spouse, I just wished I'd married someone I LOVED. [Interestingly though, I didn't know how much I liked being a wife until after I'd given up my position.] And of course, I wonder IF and WHEN I will ever have the chance to be someone's wife again, under the right circumstances.


But, in contrast to other single women, there is a certain piece of the impatient puzzle that I don't have to chase. I am a mother, and I can already start looking forward to seeing my progeny out-pace me, to their burgeoning young adulthoods, and someday, to grandchildren :)


On a certain biological level, I won't have to worry about whether or not that special person will want to marry me or not, because my mission here is already underway.

writing my paper today

Wish me lots of luck. While this is fascinating work (basically writing an Anthropology paper, however since it's for World Religions, I'm using MLA not AAA format, but such is life), there are only so many hours in the day.

Foolishly, I was so embroiled in the whole 'what's going on with my boyfriend?' thing that I forgot to start this project earlier in the week. Or I just wanted the adrenaline rush of doing it all now?

Eh, well it'll be an easy enough paper to write. I've chosen to outline the basic tenets of the Patchakuti Mesa carrying tradition. By that I mean I will discuss the Mesa as a representation of the shaman or carrier's Universe, how humans function as conduits of healing energy, Sacred Reciprocity, and the Eagle and Condor myth.

Either way, I'm happily employed by it now and also feeling emotionally secure.

We had a nice night in, last night, and I needed to hear that Billy had been thinking about us and that while he was in Spring Hill all day on Saturday working, what he really wanted to be doing was patching things up with me.

So we did. He cuddled me extra tight while we laughed at The Daily Show. We got improvisational and wrote a couple of little songs together. We slept in a tangle, like puppies.

damn it

I am already having a hard time sticking to my resolve on this. After a day stuck inside texting with Krebs and trying to do homework, but not feeling productive, I have low low self thoughts.

Which is dumb because I'm having really good looking day. And I took a vitamin.

I foresee a tough road ahead with this whole compassionate acceptance thing.

TRUE: There is no one I'd rather be in a relationship with than BC.
TRUE: I can change my mind about accepting this missing-in-action thing he does at any time.
TRUE: This only sucks SO much because I'm focusing on it!

pretty sure Fiona Apple understands stuff like this

You know, Craig Ferguson once told her during an interview that she's a "very complicated woman", but that he likes that, lol. And I think that is how I feel right now; complicated.


Remember how I said that I believe in the magic spark between two people, even though there are risks? Well, I'm here to up the ante.

Without wanting to say too much about this, I happen to actually know that Billy cares for me in quite a serious way. He has shown this to me, by saying that any flaw I may have is nothing to him if he can be with me. And sadly, I am flawed.


Tonight I had to ask Mike if anything awful had happened to Billy that would explain why he left me hanging on a Saturday night when he initiated making plans with me just yesterday. Mike's answer is that this is just who he is. That's Bill. That's who he is. He does this to "everyone", according to Mike. He simply flakes out and no one can get a hold of him from time to time regardless of their plans with him. It's part and parcel with his genius side, with his silly side, with his compassionate side, with his irreverent side, with his generous, caring side.

And somehow, as sad as it is to think this could be something I'd get used to, I'm finding myself thinking that I CAN meet him halfway on this. I'm upset at the behavior, but I miraculously still love him (and I am not an easily forgiving person!). This is his flaw and I want to do as he did with me and embrace him fully, in spite of it.

the new apple of my eye

It's a rad little 5 speed Hyundai that has me over the moon. I mean, I love this little baby of a car. I want it so much I can taste it (huh, funny, it tastes a lot like a gin/cranberry juice/tonic). Mine's peacock blue, though.

Has there ever been a phrase that can make your heart pitter-patter like '5 speed'?

No, I didn't think so. Only problem is I will have to buckle down and stop spending so much money... It's about a thousand dollars more than I had wanted to spend on a new car.

If you could only ask your partner for ONE thing

One condition.


Nobody's said I can't ask for two or ten or twenty things, but the one I've asked for means a lot to me (and surprisingly, it's not undying love or faithfulness).

"Promise me that if you ever have a problem with me you tell me".


Maybe

"Promise me you won't see Death Cab in Orlando with a girl friend" might have been a good one, but I took my chances. Damn it.

putting it all on the line

For the past day and a half, I've wondered what was up with Billy. To tell you the truth, I still don't know.

But I heard from him last night (so it's not the hospital, jail, or rehab) and he said he's not doing so great right now, that it has nothing to do with me, and that we'll chat later. And he apologized for leaving me hanging. [Tell me, how did he manage to assuage my bristled spirit with only 3 short lines of text? I don't know, but he did.]

This is part bittersweet and part relief; something is NOT well with him and that makes me incredibly sad, because I care. Everyone has heartache, and I have seen the dark shadow that outlines his bright, luminescent true self. And I don't mean that in a bad way; we all have that dark shadow traveling with us.

So here is me putting it all out there, even though he might break up with me when we talk later (I'm no longer expecting that, but technically it's POSSIBLE):

I still believe in love, trust, hope, romance, and truth. Sure, Tom put me through the wringer, and someone else I associated closely with (and would have been good to, all the days of my life) treated me badly. And if Billy is going to go from A+ boyfriend to just a memory in such a short span of time, that's going to be alright eventually too.

I don't care how much risk there is! I don't care if you all laugh at me, ridicule my choices, all of the times I give someone the benefit of the doubt and that person disappoints.

I don't care what you say. There IS something special about driving home with someone and singing together, and even when you get there, you take another loop through the neighborhood because your mate has started the song over, so you can both sing through it a second time, together.

just like journaling

...crying is cathartic. And somehow, Death Cab For Cutie brings it to the table every time- full bodied and sparkling. We REEEAAALLY want to go see them at the Hard Rock, but I don't think it's going to happen.

Anyways, I just found the official video for Grapevine Fires, and it's amazing. Have at it.

you can take the Trig outta Tuesday, but you can't take the cosine curve outta me

So, no class tonight, but I did sit down this morning to draw myself a little wave function. See, I have this little proverb that I love:

What happens once will never happen again. But what happens twice will surely happen a third time.

You already know that everything, EVERYTHING, is made of particles and particles are really just wavering energy. All that we could ever perceive and all that we can ever measure is made of waves of energy; literally nothing is solid.

And, see, if you give a wave function the vertical line test, you can't cross it more than once. But if you follow it's domain, it encompasses all. Always. Twice, and three times.

it's officially spring break. see how excited I am?

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Imagine, if you will, me in my living room. Work-load, heart-ache, human-ity.

Mr. Postman, do you have a letter for me...
(from my own true love)
Lost at sea... lost at sea.
The Decemberists

I feel like a dork about this

So, Mr. C and I have had some nice heart to heart talks about life/relationships/thoughts/the future/etc.

And, we've seen each other about 5 times as much as Helen and Sam have in the past two weeks.

And, he spent both Fri and Sat night here.

And our time together is very nice, I'd say.


But I'm freaking out right now. It's totally stupid but I can't stop feeling like it was all a misunderstanding, a mistake. I don't know WHY he's interested. It doesn't make sense.


Hey- did you know I married my ex when I was 20 years old, I did it because I was certain (100% certain) that no other man could possibly EVER be attracted to me. So I married him, because I figured "What the hell, this is my only chance."

And when I split from Harry, it was with full knowledge that I might never be with someone again as long as I lived. WHY am I so dramatic about this stuff?? Clearly I have been with people since I left him, and on a purely physical, 'no attachments' level I get it. I understand. All humans have physical needs.

But Mr. C has been talking the (monogamy) talk and walking (very close to) the (L-word) walk. So, why am I afraid that it's over because he's been MIA by phone for just a handful of hours?

Well, we had plans to go to Chris and Sum's for a BBQ this evening and he was all into it. And then he left here to go home and take a shower around noon, intending to come back after which we'd head to party with my friends. Instead I got a text that said I should head over there, and he'd probably meet me there. Then a little while later, another that said "Talking to dad important".

My friend Ryan's gf just broke up with him last night, BY TEXT.

That's not what's happening here, is it?

I want to have a sexy dance party/sock hop

One where everyone contributes a song or two to the playlist (prob ahead of time), one with drinks, and wild times, and where a bunch of my friends who have never met can finally hangout together.

We can have a twist contest and black lights in the living room. There can be a prize for most the rockin dance, too.


What do you think, would you come? (It would be in a few weeks, btw)

facebook drama with grown ups (rolling eyes)

I put my foot in my mouth frequently, it seems.

And when I do it online, it's so much less... savory.

community news

For the past couple of weeks, my job has been dragging. It takes the wind out of my sails to not be needed, to not be woefully busy. Of course, the irony here is that as we approach final exams (still many weeks away!), both my courses AND office workload pick up speed at a pretty fast clip.

But who wants to go to work each day at a job that essentially means nothing to the world?* But I set the bar kinda high; I want to be busy with something that makes the world a better brighter place, that I find physically and mentally stimulating, and that gives me that chance to study human interactions and aspirations.

So, anyway- one moment, I was at "work", reading blogs and logged into facebook in another window (I told you, I like to multitask), when something great happened. I came across a link Amy posted on our gardening blog regarding community togetherness here in our corner of the world. Before I knew it, I was on the phone, networking a bit, and letting these people know about the Really Really Free Market, where I think they could promote memberships in their garden. I still plan on getting something similar underway in my neighborhood, so this is awesome to me. There's a meeting for Green Florida going on next Wednesday that I'm going to try to attend.


Things are considerably better in mental-health-land, since that last post. I've been doing things that make me feel really human and all around good.

-That night, I texted with Billy a bit about my great day and the wierd feeling of deep dissatisfaction that accompanied it. He made me smile a bit, I made him laugh a bit, and the consensus was that these feelings are sometimes part of the fate of mankind. No biggie.

-Helen, Billy, and I went to the drum circle night at the Dunedin Brewery last night. In a crowd of other humans, hands and bodies in motion, I felt very connected.

-Then back at home, we made music ourselves into the wee-est hours. We had everything set up all over the livingroom; a couple of mikes, a couple of mixing boards, instruments, and voices. And then my awesome bf made me a middle of the night egg/breakfast sausage sandwich that was out of this world.


The next week and a half has lots of good stuff in store, too. Another exam tomorrow morning, sewing diapers for the RRFM, plans to visit with Chrissy (Bill's twin) and her cub, going to another drum circle with Amy and Baby Avery, hopefully buying a new car, going to a birthday BBQ at Chris and Summer's, Spring Break for college students (though I will be at work a bit during the break), a garden-meeting for Green Florida , and the the RRFM. Whew.



*I think part of my mood in my last post was related to this feeling.

F*#K!!!

Argh, I'm annoying MYSELF so bad right now, so I figured I should come over and annoy you too.

I should be fine, I should feel f--king fine. EVERYTHING IS F--KING FINE.

There is nothing wrong, but my anxiety is through the roof today. I saw a terrible movie that gave me a stupid panic attack, and I now want to strangle the people who made that movie.

My Day


I rode my bike to work, which is exercise AND got me fresh air and sunlight. Don't I always say those things are key to good mental health? [And just who the hell do I think I am? Dr. Frasier Crane??]

Mr. Short gave me my exam from last week... 104%. Highest score in the class. Again.

After work, I went to the grocery store and the gym. I had a pretty great circuit training workout, and due to the huge mirrors everywhere, I noticed my ass looks HOT from all the cycling I've been doing. Thought about my boyfriend a bit. Think he likes my butt, too.

I oversaw the doing of homework and nightly reading. I got the kids in bed.

I get to borrow my mom's car tomorrow night, which means I am not stranded here on my kid-free night; I can actually GO OUT! Woo!

Ok, so considering my day (not too bad, except that my job is a sham)... what's wrong with my brain? Or the chemistry therein, rather. You know what I mean.

I don't know. Maybe everything IS wrong? Maybe nobody can be trusted and the world is full of scheming liars and wars and bad economies, even though there are probably enough resources for everyone?


THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME AND I THINK I WANT MEDICATION.

so... I hung out with the bf's twin sis last night

And it was great :-) She and her husband were just as cool as Bill had said (no, I take that back- they were even better). Their precious little cub was sleeping, even while we rocked out with some karaoke game for PlayStation, but she and I exchanged contact info and plan on getting the kids together sometime soon. And before we left there, plans were made to hangout with his parents sometime soon. HE WANTS ME TO MEET HIS PARENTS ? It was actually going to be today, but instead due to the drizzly cold weather, we dozed late into the day and are going to do it some other time.


It's ironic, considering that I had been thinking that maybe I had misunderstood how he felt about us, even though we've already 'defined the relationship' and both said that it's NOT just a casual thing, etc.

Well, Friday night, hanging out with Mike (the mutual friend who introduced us, but that I have a little bit of a casual history with) kind of set the stage for my paranoia. He asked what was new with me, and I gave the rundown; school and work are good, the kiddos are good, and things are good with 'Billy and I'... etc.

And then HE SAID: Oh, I didn't know you guys are dating! You guys are really a couple?

a few minutes later: Funny, Billy never mentioned that to me...

and then: Are you guys exclusive? Are you sure?

I brushed it off as nothing, and we had a fun night regardless, but later it crept up on me. Are we exclusive? Is he serious about me? Am I sure? I thought so, but Mike had gotten me all paranoid!

And then, yesterday, right in the midst of me pouring out these saaaaad, saaaad thoughts to Helen, Bill called and said he wanted me to meet his sister.

So there we are, having a crazy time at karaoke night, and a semi-alone moment presented itself for me to mention the stuff that Mike had brought up, and Billy suddenly grabbed me in this full-body-possibly-verging-on-humping-my-leg kind of hug and said "HELL YES, WE'RE EXCLUSIVE!! (then, with silly singing) You're my girl..." followed by some dangerously wonderful looks.