Saturday, June 28, 2008

on the topic of finding purpose and meaning

I figured out the downside to going to work in the morning like other folks...

I did my stuff. I picked up the children at 1:30 pm. They had gone swimming, I had cut vegetables.

We did some other stuff.

Then, at home, it was settling in time and I considered myself very lucky for a moment that I wouldn't be coming home from work and putting the kids to bed at midnight. Until the malaise hit.

When I come home that late, I am always purpose driven, not to mention high on cleaning chemicals. Sleeping children are carried upstairs, one by one. Then I unload the car and change clothes, settle in to having a drink and plugging into my laptop or a book.

But, tonight, Oh! I sat here and pondered WHY it is that I feel so lonely and depressed for a moment, and then no longer cared.

But, see, really, everything IS great, so this doesn't make sense.

- My little business has had several sales this week, and even a custom order from a stranger.

- I'm STILL the highest bidder on an adorable cream colored dress on ebay. Cream is one of my best colors, too.

- I'm going on a kick ass, month long trip to South America in about 3 weeks.

- My kids don't have cavities.

I know with as great as all that is, I should be happy (enough), but I want to feel important. I want to feel like somebody wants me, and frankly, that's just not the case right now. Well, of course, my kids technically need me, but that's different. But I shouldn't cling to their need for me, because I clearly don't want to hamper their growth.

Anyways, maybe Conner sensed my bad mood. He came downstairs, naked and with some mosquito bites on his rear end, complaining about the texture of his cover sheet, and I happily met his need. The next time he came downstairs, it was that the fuzzy blanket he thought he wanted was making him TOO hot. Then, it was that the mosquito bites were actually hurting him.

Finally, I sat next to his bed and sang (warbled?) everything in my 'simple songs repetoire'.

All the basics PLUS:

Home On The Range
How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?
She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain
Do You Know The Muffin Man?
Do Your Ears Hang Low?
The Star Spangled Banner (!!!)

I was one minute away from Come As You Are and Spoonman, I swear it, before he decided I felt important enough, and closed his eyes.

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