Sunday, February 7, 2010

questioning him, myself, and everything

Ok, remember when I said I was done blogging about dating... uh yeah. so much for that.

So- the story is that for the past 8 weeks I've been dating this great guy, who creepily fills a lot of the requirements I set out over the past few years, which after all my failures, I'd tack on to the drawing board that I kept on returning to.

I said I wanted to date someone who's an anthrop, someone who's smarter, faster, stronger than me, someone who likes -no- who LOVES coffee, and who has something to say. Someone agnostic, like I am, but who believes in a non-anthropomorphized G-d, when all is said and done.

He should think I'm absolutely marvelous, he should be non-plussed by the fact that I have children, he should be willing to disagree with me on some things and should be ethical and love outdoor places.

He also happens, in real life, to be a Republican, to like Equal in his iced tea (baffles me entirely), to keep his bedroom messy, and to hunt large game. And I don't even know if that's the proper usage of the phrase "large game".

And I've been happy, being appreciated and pursued. The object of my affection enthusiastically treks across campus to see me for the 5 minutes our midday schedules allow and puts his arm around me protectively in public and texts just to say nice things sometimes.

But I'm suddenly afraid, too. I'm afraid that I'm un-please-able. I'm afraid that I will sabotage things because I am crazy or I don't want to be happy or something ridiculous.

I'm worried that I'm slower, weaker, and stupider or that I'm not willing to argue enough (good naturedly, of course), or well enough, on matters of science and politics.
And I'm terribly worried that, like B, he's rejecting the concept of defining the relationship because I'm just not nearly good enough. Don't worry, my LOGICAL side knows that if that's what he thinks, well then good riddance, and so on and so forth, but my emotional side wants to know if I'll ever come back from that awful twist of reality.

But let me defend my guy, and the state of things as they stand right now before you think he's anything like B!!

First of all, he's the first to say that you don't have to SAY "now we're bf/gf and we're not dating anyone else" because if it's so, it's so, no matter what you call it. And according to him, dating a person for a couple of months defines the relationship for you. Especially so if you wake up together regularly on weekends.

He is entirely opposed to concept of "the talk" that defines things between men and women yet we've talked about "the talk" and we've talked about the relationship (without crossing over into that which offends his sensibilities LOL!) and about what we like about all of this between us and about previous relationships that didn't go so well.

But my silent, internal counter to that is that a woman is sort of disrespected when she is "with" a man and she's not his "girlfriend". And do I want to be thought less of by everyone? Does he want me to be thought less of? For everyone to assume that I'm just NOT GOOD ENOUGH? Of course not.

But that assumption, for several reasons, is tied to legitimizing sex, and we're not having it, so... yeah.

I know.


We're crazy about each other and love falling asleep together and waking up together, but we're "waiting".

This might seem crazy, or right, to you. It seems like both to me, somehow.

But I'd love to know what you think about people and definitions and semantics in relationships. And about the waiting!


Memarie Lane said...

He sounds immature to me. Nice and smart, but immature. I learned the hard way to be careful of people that don't want to "define" relationships. Five years later you're married and you think you've got a commitment, and suddenly he's reminding you that no boundaries were ever set.

Michelle said...

I think that the relationship needs to be defined at some point for there to be true commitment. Maybe you don't have do it right away, but I think it does have to be done. Of course, my experience is limited so this is just my opinion.