gladisr83

I'm a big show off

2010-11-28T01:56:00.006-05:00

I decided to play instead of work this evening, after trying to work on projects for Technologies in Heritage Preservation all day to no avail. And this is the adorable result of my night! FELT FOOD Christmas gifts for the kids!

A fried egg (shown in a mini-frying pan from Ikea's toy section), and le tour de force, a chocolate cupcake with frosting and glittery seed bead sprinkles!

So, I started reading blogs again...

2010-11-02T20:40:00.002-04:00

And I can't not immerse myself in that without joining in.

A long time has passed since my last post; seasons have changed, the trip was completed, and we moved into a new house.

It hasn't really been easy and that probably accounts for a lot of the silence on my part. But my therapist (see what I mean by not easy?) suggested journaling.

OK, so today... was Tuesday. On Tuesdays I get up at 7, wake up the kids, and get them to school. We were in the parking lot by school time (8:35), but I'm sure they ended up a couple of minutes late to class.

I went home and intended to load up the car and go do laundry, but instead I went back to sleep until 10:30. Then I BOOKED A WEEKEND AT AN AMAZING HOTEL (never do that) for A REALLY BIG CONFERENCE THAT I'M SPEAKING AT (a first) in NEW ORLEANS. I'm doing this whole crazy thing because the Undergrad Research dept and Student Govt are agreeing to pay for it.

In the rain, I ran around today tying up loose ends, signing what needed to be signed, meeting with my mentor on the honors thesis project, and going to class. I had a silly panic attack because I couldn't get a hold of Robby on his phone (and I assumed something bad had happened?), and then I drove home. It was as perfect of a drive home as one can have. It was from 5:30-6:30 with no stand-still traffic on the interstate and Robby called me as I was halfway home when he woke up from his nap.

Now: Hungry, but I haven't eaten well today and it's given me a stomach ache.

absolutely insane

2010-05-23T17:34:00.003-04:00

My grand scheme is working out so far. Besides it being completely crazy.

WORK and Errands re: the children's summer camps on Monday.

Moving truck on Tuesday.

Psych appt in Tampa on Wednesday.

Conner's graduation on Thursday.

Cora's Science Fair on Friday.

Cora's Bday party on Saturday.

Fly out at 5:50 am on Sunday.

I am seriously not ready for any of this, not the damn science fair, not the moving truck. Not Seattle/Vancouver/Whitehorse.

oh, THAT'S my password! ;)

2010-05-06T02:40:00.004-04:00

Has life ever been better? Or busier?

My semester ended today, and Robby and I fly out in 25 days!!!!!

There's still a ton to do between now and then, but the biggest has got to be packing up and moving everything I own IN ADDITION to packing for 10 rugged Yukon weeks. Nine of which will be spent living in a tent camp with my boyfriend, how awesome is that? :)

Also, there's that and Seattle/Vancouver on the way there, and L.A. and Denver on the way home. I am soooo excited, but sort of crazy nervous right now. I'll feel better once every paper is filed with the appropriate department, everything is worked out, every box packed and moved out, and we are standing in my empty place.

gear to purchase:

quality long underwear
either a double size air mattress or thermarests and a coupler
a large enough pack
a decent waterproof jacket
new boots, the old ones are done in!
another two pairs of wool socks

2010-02-20T02:11:00.000-05:00

Gladis Rubio
ANT 4390
Community Festivals
Introduction
The Gasparilla Pirate Festival is held annually in Tampa on the last weekend in January to commemorate the invasion of Tampa Bay by the legendary pirate José Gaspar, who is called the “last of the buccaneers” (www.gasparillapiratefest.com). For just over a century, the people of Tampa have come out in droves to watch the parades, to celebrate in the streets, and to enjoy the city in which they live. From its original format, which consisted of only a single street parade and a small mock invasion on horseback, the festival has grown to include a Children's Parade (held on the preceding weekend as the main event), a reenactment of the pirate invasion on the water, an exclusive invasion brunch event at the TBPAC, an all day street festival, the Day Parade, and the adults-only Night Parade (www.gasparillapiratefest.com). The event has an average attendance of 400,000 people and involves over 50 "Krewes" which are private clubs that organize floats for the parade (Gershman 2005). One particular Krewe, Ye Mystic Krewe of Gasparilla, is considered the host of the event and is credited with organizing the very first pirate invasion reenactment in 1904 (Danielson and Wilmath 2010). The official website for Gasparilla, www.gasparillapiratefest.com, emphasizes the philanthropic side of the event; the parade is free to the public and the numerous "beer gardens" donate all of their proceeds to charities. This year, it took place on Saturday January 30th. But in spite of Ye Mystic Krewe‟s supposedly nicer side, there has certainly been controversy regarding this community festival. In 1991, Ye Mystic Krewe cancelled it altogether rather than give in to pressure to integrate their private club and admit people of color (Gershman 2005).
Literature
The two sources which I found for information regarding Gasparilla are at odds about one issue in particular; whether or not any of the legend is true. According to the article „The Legend of Gasparilla: Myth and History on Florida‟s West Coast‟ there is not any shred of evidence that there ever was a José Gaspar (d'Ans 1980:5). The official website for the pirate festival, www.gasparillapiratefest.com, tells a different story. There is an explanation of the festival‟s historic background which implies that the famed invasion of Tampa truly occurred. But while D‟Ans says that this festival is not rooted in an actual occurrence, he is not making the point that this takes away from the validity of the legend; instead he argues that the "historical truth of the legend of Gasparilla is its very existence" and that wise historians know that mythic legends tell about volumes about the societies that keep them alive (d'Ans 1980:5).
The legend is traced back to John Gomez, who died in the Tampa Bay area in either 1875 or 1900, depending on which version of the myth you subscribe to (d‟Ans 1980:10). It is said that he, the son of a pirate himself, witnessed the legendary invasion of Tampa, and that he told this story throughout his remaining years, which is how we have the story today (www.gasparillapiratefest.com).
Methods
Participant observation was expected to be my primary method for data collection at the Gasparilla day parade, however I also spoke with a few parade-goers, and also documented the event with photographs (Kolaja 1956:159). Nearly all of the people that I spoke with knew that I was there for an ethnographic project, and their reactions to this were enthusiastic. I say that "nearly all" knew about the nature of my attendance, because there was a small amount of natural conversation between myself and others en route to the parade site, which didn't really facilitate or require and explanation from me. My first true informant was a man who was about 35, wearing a Budweiser tee-shirt who initiated a conversation with me. I had been standing alone, and this apparently made me look like quite the outsider (Vidich 1955:354). He and I chatted about the weather, why I was there, and then he proceeded to tell me about the previous year when, as an employee, he had been on the Budweiser float in the parade. Our conversation concluded with his insistence that I accept a beer from his cooler and a strand of beads. Immediately thereafter, I spoke with a small group standing under a tree, about 12 feet away from the street, trying to avoid the steady rain. The group was comprised of 3 males and 3 females, all of whom were probably in their early to mid-twenties who had attended Gasparilla once before. I was able to give away my strand of beads to one of the girls in this group, before I left the parade site. My photographic data collection was hampered as the rain picked up in intensity, however I did my best.
Analysis
Three themes that epitomize Gasparilla for me include the potlatch aspect (exchanging of beads and the sharing of alcohol), the bacchanalian nature of the event (provocative dress and crowd-agitation), and the nurturing of pride for local historic legend. Everyone I have spoken with regarding Gasparilla agrees that the whole point of the celebration is public intoxication. My informants said that “this festival is for Tampa what Mardi Gras is for New Orleans”; definitive and nearly obligatory. It was my first time attending and they were thoroughly shocked because I consider myself a native here.
Gasparilla is basically a Classical reversal-festival (Forsdyke 2005:74). The understanding scholars have of the reversal-festival is that riotous party atmospheres and reversal of social norms and roles (for example, business men pretending to be pirates) provide a release for the working class people (Forsdyke 2005:73). This makes sense, regarding Gasparilla, because the majority of the festival goers that I saw at the parade site were ordinary middle-class locals and the entertainment for the day was provided by the white collar men in the prestigious “krewes”.
Conclusion
My final impression of this community festival is that it matters very little to the party-goers if there was a real pirate named José Gaspar, or if Tampa Bay ever was invaded by marauders. It doesn‟t even matter if it rains, as it did this year. For locals, this event seems to create a distraction from the boredom that follows the busy winter holiday season and provides a sense of unity, all with an exciting backdrop.
Field Notes
11:30 am Left my house in Clearwater, FL. It‟s a cloudy day. I meant to get a much
earlier start but there were some issues with that.
12:10 pm I‟m driving down W. Kennedy and near Dale Mabry, and I‟m starting to see signs that there is road closure up ahead.
12:26 pm I decided to park at a book warehouse of sorts and walk into the festival area to
avoid high priced parking. Since I‟ve never been to Gasparilla before, I‟m not sure exactly where the “action” is but I know that I can follow the sound of cannon blasts and the flow of foot traffic until it becomes more obvious where to go.
Image 1. Local churches, businesses, and residents selling parking to festival attendees. West Kennedy Blvd and South Plant Avenue.
12:30 pm People are walking towards the southwest, mostly in groups. Some groups are all male or female, but most seem to be a mix of genders. Some people are in full costume, others are only partially costumed (for example, a pirate shirt or hat
worn with a normal outfit), and others are dressed normally, although nearly all of the women in normal clothes have put together outfits that are provocative, in spite of the cool breeze and drizzle.
Image 2. Some people are congregating near portable bathrooms, others are walking towards Bayshore Blvd. Hype Park Avenue and West Platt Street.
12:40 pm Walking in a small crowd (15 people), which is comprised of 2 or 3 smaller groups. The people leading the way are middle aged and carrying or rolling coolers to the parade site. There are 3 college girls directly behind me. I asked the girls if they know where “stuff is going on” because I have never been to this event before. They are friendly with me and say that they are not sure, just doing what I‟m doing- walking with the flow of foot traffic.
Image 3. Mostly “normally dressed” festival goers, some with coolers, on their way to the parade site. West Platt St.
12:50 pm The group I‟m walking with starts down a sidewalk that goes under the bridge to Davis Island where three police officers are posted to ask festival-goers to
make sure there is no alcohol in their coolers. The group passes by without
acknowledging them, but the last person in the group, a middle aged man, seems nervous to ignore them and stops to say “Really?” Just out of the police officers‟ view, his friends, ahead of me, debate whether or not to go back for him, to stop and wait, or to let him catch up later on. While they discuss they refill their drinks from their coolers.
12:57 pm I‟m at the parade site now. There are vendors dragging or pushing long rectangular carts loaded with (among many other items) beads, inflatable toys, and pirate flags. In several different areas there are festival food vendors, portable bathrooms, and beer vendors. Here, the ratio of fully costumed pirates is higher than it had been on the walk to the parade site. Most people have also adorned themselves with beads.
Image 4. People stand under the shelter of the bridge, as it drizzles just slightly. A vendor (right) sells an inflatable toy. W. Bay St and Bayshore Blvd.
Image 5. Police security was rumored to be increased for this particular year. In this particular spot, four Tampa Police officers stand and watch the crowd for violence, underage drinking, and drug use. Bayshore Blvd.
Image 6. A man, a woman, and two young children (left) stand under an umbrella as the crowd goes by. Vendors in the distance are calling out to the crowd, and a woman (right) eats a funnel cake as she walks. Bayshore Blvd.
1:14 pm Starting to rain.
Image 7. A man struggles with his umbrella, while trying to hold on to his beer as well. A friendly arm reaches out to assist. Bayshore Blvd.
1:15 pm Chatting with my first informant! His reaction to this as a project is somewhat approving and enthusiastic. He works for Budweiser and was on a float last year, which he says was really “cool” but entails getting up really early to start drinking. He insists I get in the spirit and gives me a strand of beads and a beer from his cooler.
Image 8. My informant (left), and his friend (right). At the parade site, on Bayshore Blvd.
1:35 pm Vendors start selling ponchos. A young man buys one and tells his date they can share it.
Image 9. A couple (right) walks south on Bayshore in ponchos with their cooler. A small group of young people (left) are drinking and talking together as well.
1:50 pm I excuse myself from the informant‟s group of friends and start to wander in the crowd again. I notice that the proportion of festival goers in pirate costume has increased in the past hour.
Image 10. “Pirates” mingling with regular people on Bayshore Blvd.
2:15 pm I walk across the street, towards the shelter of a large oak tree. A moment later a scantily clad woman drags a stroller up the curb, also attempting to find shelter from the cold rain.
Image 11. Young woman with stroller seeks shelter under a tree, as the crowd carries on in the rain. Bayshore Blvd.
2:20 Begin chatting with a small group of festival goers there under the tree. The girls are taking pictures of each other, and one insists that none of the pictures end up on facebook, because she is a teacher. The guys are discussing how unfortunate it would be to “get a girl pregnant this early in the semester” and all three agree that it would “ruin the semester”.
Image 12. A group of friends greet each other, some are dressed in pirate themed clothing and some are wearing beads. Bayshore Blvd.
2:35 pm I start heading south on northeast Bayshore again. There are crowds if young men yelling “Show us your tits!” to a group of young girls who pass by. Nobody seems bothered by this jeering, and everyone appears to be having a good time.
Image 13. A girl drinks with her friends on Bayshore Blvd.
2:40 pm I observe that a large and dense crowd has now formed on the part of Bayshore that is near the bridge that leads to Davis Island.
2:45 pm In that large crowd, a smaller and more intense crowd has developed. There are about 20 or 30 people packed in very tightly and there is a sort of chaotic organization to this. Two or three men in the center are drumming on their chests and the group around them are yelling and encouraging them, but I don„t notice any disagreement that would indicate this was a fight about to break out. One man takes off his shirt and starts spinning it over his head.
Image 14. The crowd cheers on as a couple of men become frenzied and eventually, one of them takes off his shirt. Bayshore Blvd.
2:50 pm In a heavy rain, I begin walking towards Kennedy Blvd to find my car, hoping it hasn‟t been towed.
Image 15. A “pirate” exits a portable bathroom and turns towards the street festival. W. Bay St.
Works Cited
André-Marcel d‟Ans
1980 "The Legend of Gasparilla: Myth and History on Florida's West Coast" Tampa Bay History. USF Library Online. http://www.lib.usf.edu/ldsu/digitalcollections/T06/journal/ v02n2_80/v02n2_80_05.pdf
Danielson, Richard and Kim Wilmath
2010 Gasparilla invasion, parade, will go on as planned (only wetter). St. Petersburg Times, January 30.
Forsdyke, Sara
2005 Revelry and Riot in Archaic Megara: Democratic Disorder or Ritual Reversal? The Journal of Hellenic Studies 125(1):73-92.
Gershman, Rick
2005 101 Gasparilla. St. Petersburg Times, January 28.
Kolaja, Jiri
1956 A Contribution to the Theory of Participant Observation. Social Forces 35(2):159-163.
Vidich, Arthur
1955 Participant Observation and the Collection and Interpretation of Data. The American Journal of Sociology 60(4):354-360.

questioning him, myself, and everything

2010-02-07T19:53:00.004-05:00

Ok, remember when I said I was done blogging about dating... uh yeah. so much for that.

So- the story is that for the past 8 weeks I've been dating this great guy, who creepily fills a lot of the requirements I set out over the past few years, which after all my failures, I'd tack on to the drawing board that I kept on returning to.

I said I wanted to date someone who's an anthrop, someone who's smarter, faster, stronger than me, someone who likes -no- who LOVES coffee, and who has something to say. Someone agnostic, like I am, but who believes in a non-anthropomorphized G-d, when all is said and done.

He should think I'm absolutely marvelous, he should be non-plussed by the fact that I have children, he should be willing to disagree with me on some things and should be ethical and love outdoor places.

He also happens, in real life, to be a Republican, to like Equal in his iced tea (baffles me entirely), to keep his bedroom messy, and to hunt large game. And I don't even know if that's the proper usage of the phrase "large game".

And I've been happy, being appreciated and pursued. The object of my affection enthusiastically treks across campus to see me for the 5 minutes our midday schedules allow and puts his arm around me protectively in public and texts just to say nice things sometimes.

But I'm suddenly afraid, too. I'm afraid that I'm un-please-able. I'm afraid that I will sabotage things because I am crazy or I don't want to be happy or something ridiculous.

I'm worried that I'm slower, weaker, and stupider or that I'm not willing to argue enough (good naturedly, of course), or well enough, on matters of science and politics.
And I'm terribly worried that, like B, he's rejecting the concept of defining the relationship because I'm just not nearly good enough. Don't worry, my LOGICAL side knows that if that's what he thinks, well then good riddance, and so on and so forth, but my emotional side wants to know if I'll ever come back from that awful twist of reality.

But let me defend my guy, and the state of things as they stand right now before you think he's anything like B!!

First of all, he's the first to say that you don't have to SAY "now we're bf/gf and we're not dating anyone else" because if it's so, it's so, no matter what you call it. And according to him, dating a person for a couple of months defines the relationship for you. Especially so if you wake up together regularly on weekends.

He is entirely opposed to concept of "the talk" that defines things between men and women yet we've talked about "the talk" and we've talked about the relationship (without crossing over into that which offends his sensibilities LOL!) and about what we like about all of this between us and about previous relationships that didn't go so well.

But my silent, internal counter to that is that a woman is sort of disrespected when she is "with" a man and she's not his "girlfriend". And do I want to be thought less of by everyone? Does he want me to be thought less of? For everyone to assume that I'm just NOT GOOD ENOUGH? Of course not.

But that assumption, for several reasons, is tied to legitimizing sex, and we're not having it, so... yeah.

I know.

...

We're crazy about each other and love falling asleep together and waking up together, but we're "waiting".

This might seem crazy, or right, to you. It seems like both to me, somehow.

But I'd love to know what you think about people and definitions and semantics in relationships. And about the waiting!

up way too late

2010-01-30T00:45:00.002-05:00

I have to go to Gasparilla in the morning, for a Visual Anthropology project. God bless me, I intend to get up at 7:30 am on a Saturday.

Anyway, I have a fun new camera to play with for this class.

I'm sure some pictures will come soon!

"mulish", also my FAILED attempt to avoid the cliche early Jan blog post

2010-01-03T19:26:00.004-05:00

Mulish is a word Lynne Reid Banks uses quite a bit in The Indian and the Cupboard.. Cora and I are just a chapter from the end, probably finishing it tonight, and she's totally WOUND about it.

Ok, enough dallying. Here's my year in review, blah blah blah.

In January of 2009 I was still recouping from a rather personal blow I'd been dealt. There's little point in being cryptic, I guess. B and I had a bad falling out, and I expected to never speak with him again.

Feb 2009- continued working at SPC, full time student, etc. Car breakdown on Valentine's Day led to romantics which led to one of the most annoying dating relationships of my LIFE>

March 2009- still car-less, much of the same. probably TOO MUCH DRINKING, which led to some gradual weight gain in spite of all that extra bike riding.

April 2009- break up from most annoyingly splendid boyfriend ever, got an almost perfect SAT score, and bought a cool manual transmission car, all in the same couple of weeks. Would not actually have possession of said vehicle til the Hot Professor moved to Hawaii at the end of the semester.

May 2009- graduation(did not walk), celebration, CIGUATERA poisoning (basically akin to having a stroke), new car that I would be completely too uncoordinated to drive for some time. Saw DCFC in Orlando.

June 2009- saw the Decemberists in ATL, met Colin Meloy :) Went to Danny's wedding in Colorado, had my bday, and decided I was horribly fat. Committed to Tosca Reno's Eat Clean methods.

July 2009- played a lot of tennis with my mom, and a lot of scrabble to try and perk up those saggy brain cells after the neuro toxins had had their way with me. Also, drove the little car to Pensacola to check out the archaeological field school there. I just loved the dig, OMG. Ate clean. Read Infinite Jest.

August 2009- kicked it up at the gym, and got my bf % down a little, in anticipation of the fall semester plump up that would surely happen. Ate clean. USF orientation :)

Sept 2009- official university student. B and I plan a crazy trip, over beer and homework, to hike the Art Loeb trail in Western NC in the beginning of Oct. Ate clean, plus beer.

Oct 2009- busy busy with school, but first round of exams prove my metal- all As.
SWINE FLU. and immediately after, we leave for that damn hiking trip
(and also for seeing the Decemberists play the Hard Rock in Orlando). I say terrible things to B in NC, we end the friendship shortly after the trip. Clean eating. Lot's of flax and protein.

Nov 2009- Like a sudden windfall, begin dating most adorable boy ever, albeit briefly. On our third date, where we held hands for the first time, we went ice skating. I went down after a couple of ours of good fast skating, due to irregular ice (!!!) and shattered some thoracic cartilage/fractured a rib. The adorable boy and I call the whole thing off, (unrelated to the injury) and I have to nurse two kinds of wounds simultaneously, fun...immediately followed by Thanksgiving in Tally. Took a break from clean eating.

Dec 2009- finals! All As!! start of my blessed winter holiday and the return of sleeping in and having crazy adventures.

Tally

2009-11-23T17:44:00.002-05:00

We're heading to visit Helen's parents for Thanksgiving. Should be fun... I'm taking Clean (and vegan) peanut butter truffles.

Also, it's grey out and misery has settled into this invalids poor bones. Yes, I'm being over dramatic. Whatever! I'm so over this.

the achy breaky feeling

2009-11-20T22:36:00.006-05:00

Oh my gosh, I'm serious, I just want to stick my fingers into my thoracic cavity and put my cartilage and/or rib back where it needs to be!

I went ice skating late last Saturday night with Brennan (to break up the monotony of paper-writing all day and night) and the Zamboni wasn't run at all for some reason. We agree that the ice was choppier than it should have been and I'm not just a total klutz. Seriously, I'm not actually bad on skates.

Anyways. I played it cool, toughed it out. It hurt a lot but we skated for another hour before I had to call it a night.

Sunday morning I woke up to the sound of myself screaming (yes, they were obscenities, I am ashamed) and then dosed myself with ibuprofen and got ready for church/garden club fundraising.

The fundraiser went well! Very exciting, can't wait to break ground and get dirty.

And Helen and I are going to Tally for the holiday to see Poppa and Lolita, yay.

Also, Conner was just in a Thanksgiving show and he was basically the STAR of the show. Well, he had one line to memorize- They met the natives, and shook their hands!- but only 4 kids in the whole PreK were asked to memorize a line. I am so proud.

And Coral is just blossoming. Ever-lovely and precious and working really hard on bringing up her reading/writing grades.

AND I lived through the hardest week of school ever :) and I have all A's.

And now I'm dating the cutest boy ever. Go me!

um.. my research

2009-11-19T09:43:00.003-05:00

I'm about to give a presentation on my research.

Feeling like there just wasn't enough time to get as deep as I would have liked, but today's the day so here I go!

My powerpoint is bright and informative. Not just slide after slide of the same stuff I've already said, and I definitely KNOW the topic inside and out.

I have been studying human birth for several years now, and consider myself a bit of an amateur-expert on the subject :D so my Q & A session after the presentation should be no problem, I'm just concerned about MY RESEARCH. I'm not sure I know the in's and out's of my interviews well enough to present it cohesively.

OK!! Have to DO THIS.

This town is full of ghosts

2009-11-06T20:37:00.002-05:00

For Halloween, Helen and I wanted to squeeze every last creepy drop of juice out of our weekend.

We planned on going to an Edgar Allen Poe themed night of theater at Ruth Eckard Hall but there were complications and we couldn't get tickets at the last minute. To stave off holiday blues after our plans went awry, we decided to head out to see some local haunted houses.

Next year, we will definitely be doing that again! I love creating holiday traditions with my fabulous hetero-lifemate. Anyway, we did the haunted house thing and then went and hung out in a graveyard.

In the same place, the rose garden at a certain cemetery, where I used to go with my beloved once upon a stormy night. And I had no idea his spirit still roams that place.

I could tell you a LOT about teeth right now, if you wanted me too

2009-10-30T10:46:00.005-04:00

We just finished up a fun section in Bio Anthropology- living humans, living primates, and the first 50 my of primate evolution. This included some of my favorite topics! Woohoo. Birth processes in primates, diet/nutrition, and phylogenies. I thought anatomical science was a weakness of mine, but I flew through those portions of lab.

The semester's going pretty good. I am at a point now where the pace is alternating between too much and easy. Now it's paper writing time, SERIOUSLY. I am falling WAAAAY behind on my papers.

Oh, but what was I saying? Oh yeah, eating/breathing/sleeping ANT. Things got sort of strange when I was wandering around holding my notebooks and murmuring things like "Is it Y-5 or Plus-5?" and living on loads of coffee, (mostly) unprocessed food, and promises to pay the piper.

When things get crazy I remind myself that it's all for a purpose.

But I don't want to get lost in the shuffle of bilophodont molars and plesiadapids and all the other great stuff. I'm still here. I am in here. (sorry, a Hal Incandenza moment, COULD NOT help myself)

One of my best friends, Michelle, had a baby girl last week- Lorelei Maestas.
I can't wait to see her- need to search airfare asap.

My friend Teresa is moving to CA. I'm missing her already, and jealous, and wistful, and optimistic.

Cora lost her first upper incisor. My baby is honestly growing up.

Amy and I are still talking gardens, and honestly, she's doing a lot more gardening than I. I miss it, but those freakin squirrels cut me to the quick with my watermelons and now I'm afraid to commit! I started easing back in by resuming my compost habits last week, but I really have a gripe about leaves in there. This might be the downside to low tech composting. Are the decomposing oak leaves bad? neutral? ok? HELP!!!

But regardless of my compost woes, I'm excited about the community organic garden, and our first event. More on that later ;)

study groups can be really inefficient sometimes

2009-10-22T21:02:00.004-04:00

Man. I just got home and I still have tons to do to get ready for the second round of examinations because my study group turned into a study/talk/snack session. Fun, but kind of a waste of time.

This is more for my sake (organization), than yours...

Order of Operations:

Prep for Archaeology exam (which is on Monday morning)

Finish lab HW (halfway done but two weeks worth to turn in, also due on Monday)

Transcribe interview, pull out thematic content

Prep for Ant Linguistics exam (on Tuesday)

Prep for Bio Ant exam (on Thursday)

And FYI "prep" means fix my notes w/ the online power points (all month my notes have been a wreck, spotty and insubstantial), finish the readings, and draw a bunch of phylogenies (Bio Ant).

ruler breaker/heart shaker

2009-10-21T23:35:00.004-04:00

What fun is living if you can't make rules and then ditch them, right?

Sigh. Actually, I didn't intend to come on here to write. I came to read. I wanted to know HOW was it that I felt 6 months ago when Billy and I broke up. Just HOW BAD was it? It was a really bad break up, wasn't it???

Because we're talking again for some reason, and he wants to hangout, and I'm sorta almost game. Partially out of curiosity (is he still the same person he was back then? does he still drive that jeep? am I going to fly into a rage and break his glasses and punch his lights out? do we still have good chemistry together?) and partially because I'm just not as resolute as I should/could be. And because I love being invited to a costume party. (and because I NEVER GET TO HAVE SEX ANYMORE<<<< ARGH)

I know. It's a bad idea. I know.

But I'm also really tired of talking to guys who don't understand standard English but brag about their intelligence/vocabularies.

I miss someone knowing me and caring and wanting. And I guess I miss being walked on a little bit, too. If I hadn't just had my fill of therapy talk from a psychology student I know, I'd say that I need some.

just found the charger to my i pod :)

2009-10-19T20:32:00.002-04:00

And there was much rejoicing!

Ok, speaking of Monty Python... there's this guy I know who is all into TV/movies and has never seen any Monty Python stuff! WTH. Really??? How is that even possible? I can understand not knowing the obscure stuff... but wow.

OK, I have to get crackin on my linguistics assignment. I put it off all day today.

Geez! You know I love you. (just not as much as I love anthropology)

2009-10-18T18:35:00.004-04:00

So, I guess I left you hanging. For all you know, I was eaten by bears or decided to stay in NC or whatever.

Well, I'm back, I've just been busy. I DO have all As though (in the 2nd best Anthro Dept in the nation) and 2 of them are OVER A HUNDRED PERCENT. Yeah! That's what I mean when I say I'm going to school to kick ass.

SO I guess I need to post more about the trip (which was freaking amazing!!!). Right now I have to go catch up on reading for archaeology (tomorrow's morning class) and hopefully get my lab homework done. I'm analyzing the fossils of euprimates (fun!)... I would have had it done last night but H wanted to watch Kill Bill in the dark and I let homework go by the wayside for a few hours. I'm pretty easily convinced to take a break.

But I know that for any measure of fun and relaxation I take, I have to pay the piper :-\ and I'm off to do just that.

I will add though that this weekend I was productive in prepping clean foods for the week to keep me on track (nutritionally and financially). I made spaghetti squash spaghetti w/ a completely from scratch red sauce, a pot of chickpeas with garlic, onions, and peppers, a veggie chili with kidney beans, sauteed and diced 2 chicken breasts, steamed Asian veggies and sauteed some garlic-ginger tofu, and started a big container of ceviche.

I am so tired of my kitchen right now :p

getting closer to Pisgah

2009-09-12T22:11:00.003-04:00

We are less than 3 weeks away!

I'm half frightened and half ecstatic.

Bought a new sleeping bag this weekend (fairly lightweight) and feeling like time is going quickly now.

My goals for the next couple of weeks are to mainly make sure I stay committed to training my body and to make sure I stay on top of school stuff. Currently, I have As in anything we've had graded work in... but so much will be known after the first round of exams... a couple of weeks yet.

In all, it was a pretty productive weekend. I got a lot of studying done and got some short but serious lifting in on Friday (only spent 25 minutes at the gym, I like to get in and out of there).

Up to my ears

2009-09-08T18:38:00.005-04:00

At least it's anthropology and not recycling that's piled up around here!! (took the recycling to the drop off center yesterday)

Here's the update:

Archaeology- not too challenging so far. Easy in fact. I know a lot of this stuff already. I've been asking pertinent questions about the lecture material in class and Dr. Roos appears to know me and says hi when we see each other in the halls.

Bio Ant- well... I have a 100% so far on quizzes and 2 extra credit points added to the final total. Whew. John Trainor's personal research is of particular interest to me, especially now that I am eating (somewhat) differently; human diet and evolution.

Bio Ant Lab- My prof for this is such a sweetie, but she's a VERY ditzy one. The manual we're using isn't that great, but it's interesting. I just wish I had more of a bio background.

Methods- Prof is rather vauge and undetermined to influence our decisions, seems to be wanting to be accepting of whatever choices we make and uninvolved at the same time. The general consensus among the students is one of fear and insecurity re: lack of parameters for the big ethnographic projects we'll be pumping out. I met with him today and he was rather helpful (considering his in-class attitude), so I feel somewhat better about mine...

Linguistics- Dr. Smid thrilled me today when she tied primatology into the lesson. Love that a) it all comes full-circle in Anthro and, b) Everyone I'm surrounded by ALL WEEK LONG is passionate about the stuff that I'm passionate about.

So on a very different note- still prepping for the trip to NC. B brought over the pack I'll be using so I can start planning and weighing my gear.

I've been working out as usual, but started amping things up about a month ago, even before I decided to hike the Art Loeb Trail. I'm still doing a full body weights routine rather than splitting up the lower/upper stuff like some (most??) people do. I've gone up about 15% all around in how much I'm lifting, too. Still Eating Clean too, minus a single beer yesterday at a Labor Day BBQ and minus a Subway sandwich- chicken and veggies on wheat bread, no mayo, today (forgot my food at home, doh!). The bread or chicken is giving me a bit of a stomach ache though. I haven't had bread in... oh I don't know, 2 months?? Ugh. No more.

Anyways, I do expect to find that my bf % has dropped when Megan evaluates me this week... I'm pretty excited to see where I'm at, but also pretty nervous.

I'm naturally concerned about food during the trip. I know how much protein I need for my active life (between 10 and 20 grams per meal, 5-6 meals a day) and I know I need lots of good carbs. But they HAVE to be lightweight and shelf stable too. Hmmm...

mystery of mysterys... seriously

2009-09-02T07:39:00.005-04:00

Last week, right before school started and my nerves were fraught and frayed, and on a night when my kids had woken me up a bit (not used to that anymore), and so on, I had a weird middle of the night phone call. I think it came at 4 am. Then an odd text from the same number "Sorry, my sister f---ed up".

Ok, so whoever called me accidentally

1) has my phone number saved

OR

2) has a friend with a number very similar to mine and mis-dialed

AND

has a sister.

Sorry to have put you through my initial deductive work unnecessarily but I looked at the number and wanted to smack myself. You know, you can delete a number but that doesn't mean that person will delete yours! I guess it seems like when stuff ends badly that's a given, but apparently it's not.

So, yeah. Got another mystery call last night/this morning. It's 3 am and I am in a happy place, right? And I get a call I ignore. They leave a voicemail I am unaware of until 7 am. They call back 5 min after the first call and I pick up on autopilot (BTW me on sleepy autopilot is about as funny and stupid as it gets) and he proceeds to identify himself as the friend of the owner of the recognizable phone number. A friend I was acquainted with 10 years ago.

AND THEY TRY TO MAKE PLANS WITH ME. FOR RIGHT THEN.

"Uh, I have class in Tampa, IN THE MORNING. I think maybe you have the wrong number?"

Ok, the next person who wants to call me and disturb my R.E.M. OH BOY I am going to have words with you.

And I thought B had been kinda pushing it when he called at 11 last night...

The Mission: Break All Comfortable Boundaries

2009-08-29T16:56:00.005-04:00

In a month, I'll be heading out to Pisgah National Forest for a hiking trip that promises to obliterate all of my senses in a barrage of arboreal splendor. And don't forget knocking me out of my comfort zone!

The hike is 31 miles, mostly very steep, primitive, and I'll be packing everything in and out. To complete the hike, I have to make 10 miles per day, which would be no great concern if it wasn't for the altitude and terrain.

Thankfully, I've been getting in a lot of strength training so I feel better than I have all year.

Hellooo there. Remember me?

2009-08-28T16:56:00.006-04:00

This past week was really great and challenging...

- At the last minute before school started back up, I rearranged my bedroom, hung a white paper globe lantern, put together a bookshelf from Ikea (Yep, Justin, I ended up getting something particle board after all. Sheesh). Carried a sofa downstairs BY MYSELF and got everything 100% nice and tidy up there. If you know me, you know what a feat of heroic proportions this must have been.

- I prepared lots of Clean food, packed them in little containers (some frozen, some just refrigerated) before the week started so I could go back to school with a fully automated morning routine. Grab and go. Delicious.

- Monday morning Archaeology class was cool, and my prof looks JUST LIKE JOHNNY DEPP. It's a full class (50 students?), and lots of anthro majors in there. Many of them seem to be getting into archaeology too. Awesome to have the chance to spend time with people who share my passions.

- Parking at USF is an all out nightmare, even though I paid nearly $200 for the privilege.

- The drive there from here seems to take about an hour or so in the mornings. Parking there takes about 40 minutes. Coming home takes 40-45 minutes.

- Tuesday I had tea with B.W. in Tampa. We're going to meet up for Scrabble sometime in the next couple of weeks. He's studying for the GRE and promised to give me a run for my money.

- After that, was Methods in Cultural Research, BioAnt, and Anthro Linguistics (all Tues/Thurs classes). All of them completely magical in their own ways. Going to be a lot of reading though, upwards of 12 hours per week outside of class.

- Wednesday: Archaeology, then BioAnt Lab

- I hit up the yoga class on campus after Linguistics yesterday (Thurs) and it was awesome. Very challenging and just what I needed after being cooped up in the driver's seat all week. Then Charles, Amy, and Aves came over to my house and we drank wine, celebrated Charles' new United Nations job, and just enjoyed being together!

that sheepish feeling

2009-08-23T16:20:00.004-04:00

Whatever I denote as a problem always has a way of seeming really minor and unimportant after a few days.

I do feel lucky that I have the wellbeing to cook and clean. I am thankful for the chores.

See my muscles popping as I'm turning over this leaf? Gratitude, folks.

a few days away from all out insanity? nahhhh

2009-08-21T00:45:00.004-04:00

"Everything will be ok, everything will be fine..." I chanted to myself as I lay huddled on the floor between the kitchen and living room.

My kids were playing upstairs, I could hear them, so I let myself just wallow for a bit, not wanting them to see me upset and knowing they would make plenty of noise coming down the stairs. At least the "everything will be ok" motivational speech was an improvement. Minutes before I was crying out that I just couldn't take it anymore.

"It" being the constant cooking and cleaning (and scrubbing, on hands and knees), over and over, with no appreciation.

First, I was making lunch. Fresh fish. My mom's recipe for red snapper; a tomato, onion, and garlic sauce. The kids had just informed me that they weren't going to eat fish (even though at the grocery store, 24 hours earlier, I asked them if they wanted some fish this week and they said YES) and then they ran upstairs to play, when I splattered red sauce all over my brand new white wrap style blouse. And then, I took to the floor, fetal-style.

Once I got up there was a blur of activity. Helen and I nearly ripped the shirt off of me as I poured ginger ale on it, and then I got out some of the spray-on stuff she has around that is miraculously formulated.

White blouse was saved.

But what about my mental health? Seriously. I'm in a bind here.

This is the situation- I have been eating mostly clean un-processed foods with the exception of some beer and a tortilla at Brian's house a few weeks ago, and a little Greek dressing on a salad I had at Ikea yesterday (origin of the dressing unknown). And this kind of eating takes more work than eating just whatever. And I honestly need to eat every 3 hours.

Planning, shopping, washing prep stuff, etc. Now, with school starting again, I have to really be on the ball, but time will be a big factor.

Now, I love my roommate, you know that. She is as important to me as my own family. And I want what's best for her, and I'd love it if she cut out fast and highly processed foods... but she's not capable of doing it for herself and I just can't do it all! I can't do all the shopping and cooking and cleaning for both of us to eat clean, and I feel terribly guilty to do it just for myself... that seems so selfish.

So I don't know what to do. Can I just lay on the floor and moan a bit more? Can I have a snack? I'm starving already.

Layin' Low

2009-08-16T18:04:00.003-04:00

I've been getting things in order here, waiting for the (inevitable?) maelstrom that comes with a full time and then some course load.

Did I tell you that GPAs start anew when you transfer in to USF? I know!!!

I can have a 4.0 :D

I applied for a pretty decent sounding job today, but if I get it, I'll have to drop down to full time status, instead of full time plus. Which is fine. Whatever. If I get it, cool. If not, hopefully the person who does needs it more than I do.

But I'm just at home alone today, listening to music, cleaning, menu planning (healthy eating doesn't just HAPPEN. you have to make it work), and still more cleaning. No gym today. Bike ride, instead...

making it work :)

2009-08-13T00:40:00.004-04:00

So, my school schedule has morphed! Remember how I said I had a decent enough thing worked out, but that I had barely any of the courses I actually need?

I've been patrolling the OASIS site for registration non stop, and I mean constantly. All hours of the day and it's paid off.

New Class Schedule!

Did I mention that I'm teaching a historical fiber arts course? to kids?

2009-08-08T15:16:00.004-04:00

I'm going to have to make a dozen lap looms, drag my my spinning wheel out of Harry's attic, and give it a tune up. Also need to purchase some rovings, some yarn, tapestry needles, and needle threaders. If I'm really adventurous I'll make an extra drop spindle or buy some. Oh, and I need to put together an expense list for my employer.

Then I have to make my power point presentations (one on the history of fiber usage, one that is a pictorial dictionary of technical terms, and one on modern fiber arts), quizzes, and take home handouts.

I keep wanting to get in the zone for this work, but when I start to get going it's unfailingly when I'm obligated/expected to be doing something else. And when I have plenty of unstructured time, there's not too much drive on my part to work on THIS.

OK, later, tonight. It's going to happen. Unless I get side tracked or sleepy or something.

38 minutes

2009-08-06T20:00:00.005-04:00

Not too bad of an evening drive, from north Tampa to my neighborhood.

Anyways, I got there bright and early (8 am). The campus is huge (I'm used to little SPC campuses), and signs for the orientation were, at best, sporadically existent.

The tone for the day was set by sorority hopefuls armed with high end accessories. I had a tall black coffee with me. We walked and walked (a mile??) to the Marshall Student Center where in a packed theater, seating several hundred, awkward presenters told us about this great new "transition" we were about to experience.

At this point, I still thought this was all kind of lame and unnecessary. Some people had brought their moms with them.

The presenters had us all stand and they sang the alma mater, which honestly gave me goosebumps. Maybe that's because the speaker told us he didn't want the first time we heard it to be at our commencement ceremony, and that just got me. I started to feel really excited.

Anyways, there were several mandatory seminars, several optional a-la-carte type presentations (I heard one all about parking info, one about the business end of school, and one about study abroad programs), then back to the big theater.

Eventually we were sorted, little by little, by college and major so that advisors could speak to us.

I was sent to see Dr. Edgar Amador, my advisor, in the anthro dept (funny how anthro depts SMELL the same all over the place), and hello! He is about 30, with wavy dark hair and eyes, and a pleasant smile. There's a road bike propped behind his desk, too.

Anyways, I was then sent across campus to the library to use a computer and pick classes. Ran into Matt Vassallo on the way, haha. Had a pain in the ass of a time picking classes because EVERYTHING IS ALREADY TAKEN. Argh! So I now have a weird patchy schedule. It's pretty much equivalent to a psoriatic dog, which is a slap in the face as far as schedules go, since I'm practically a senior.

After the first day of classes, if some kids drop, I can try to squeeze into the classes I originally wanted. "Want" is sort of the wrong word though. I only need certain classes to graduate (essentially just the upper level ANT classes), and I can't just waste time left and right with nonsense classes.

So, until further notice, I've got:

-Biological Anthropology

-Bio ANT Lab

-Spanish IV

-Geology- "From the Big Bang to the Ice Age"

-Ancient History I

what does one read after Infinite Jest???

2009-08-05T14:58:00.003-04:00

Anne of the Island, of course. It's like comfort food for when life and literature has given you the howling fantods.

That's what I took with me to Pensacola and I was happy that I did.

I also started reading a Chris Moore novel, Fluke and it's really funny.

Anyways, things are chill here. I'm still eating super healthy (if you don't count the half dozen peach margaritas w/ whipped cream and maraschino cherry toppings I had in P'cola) and feeling really really good about everything; school, family stuff, and my personal life.

getting ready for 'back to school's

2009-08-03T20:49:00.004-04:00

The kids got some shots today, in preparation for the coming school year, and I got my paperwork saying I have, indeed, once-upon-a-time been immunized too.

I've got an full day at USF planned for Thursday- mandatory orientation, advising, etc, but I already figured out my schedule myself.

And now, I'm sitting here listening to a painful reading about frogs and tadpoles. EXCRUCIATING. I should probably go and deal with this.

every summer for the rest of my life?

2009-07-30T09:36:00.004-04:00

I am happy to say that I picked the right major. This was sort of the test, you know?

If you can hack it in the sun and rain, with dirt in your ears, ants in your lunch, and bug spray in your bra... If you can deal with the metric system, with nit picky paperwork about the "official" color of soil at certain levels, with bosses who Humph! and Argh! at your team, and with co-workers who never stop wishing aloud they were somewhere (anywhere!!) else...

...then maybe this has a chance of working out.

Because not only can I hack it, I can do it without fail. I can do it without complaint, with my mind keenly tuned to what is being asked of me, while creatively helping to solve problems left and right.

Yesterday's work involved some graphing and I am proud of myself for not losing it with this one girl who is a non stop complainer. She was lackadaisically chopping at the wall of the unit with her trowel and her work looked terrible. (That's when I got to get in there and clean up her section, woohoo!) We were getting ready for photo clean, which is when it's cleared out, sprayed with water, and labelled for photos. Then everyone get's back to the less pretty excavation. But she was just being a PITA and I could not believe she is seriously hoping to pursue a career in this and complaining all the way. WHY do it if you don't love it?? There are a thousand other careers that are more lucrative fo' sho'. BAs in archaeology make $12/hour, MAs make about 35K per year. We are not here for the money, people.

That chick also said she doesn't "do the metric system" and when we were graphing elevations I (the newbie) had to explain in VERY basic terms that the height of the total machine must be subtracted from the reading and that it's based on the NAVD (North American Vertical Datum, 1988), and then the number John's shouting out to us from across the woods matches with the coordinate points I'm reading to her from the unit... And she's been out here every day for weeks and weeks. I JUST GOT HERE. I mean, really.

Oh but I am LOVING every minute. The heat is nothing to me, I just feel so lucky to be here. Imagining how filthy we'd be at the Yukon field school (living in tents for 8 weeks). At least here I can come back to the apartment equipped with wifi, house cats, and hot running water...

As far as my home-situation, and the loneliness:-\ I guess maybe it's getting better?

John was really pleasant and happy to see me on Sunday night. Monday at work we were fine, then he got drunk Mon night and was just mean. Tuesday my feelings were still smarting, so I was distant w/ him while working side by side, and Tuesday night he had to go to work (Starbucks, I don't blame him for feeling crabby) and didn't say more than 3 words to me between then and Wed morning. But the weird thing is that in the field he's cracking jokes NON stop and making voices all day long. And then at home, sullen.

Anyways, Wednesday night we actually hung out and watched a Scottish sitcom for a few hours and played Scrabble and laughed and argued.

Funny, though, his perpetual gloom cloud really puts other people in perspective. Everybody seems cheery by comparison!

Still missing my kiddos and my friends and my house with my bed and my pillows and the plumerias and the crazy squirrels outside and the familiarity. I def know which way my compass' arrow points for home, and I relish longing for home again and again.

running away from home will do a lot for you

2009-07-28T23:32:00.004-04:00

Home is always more appealing when you've been away.

Do you remember when I had a very difficult spring and on a whim I bought airplane tickets to South America. I had no idea what I was getting into, I just needed to get away. And once there, I realized that it was not going to be easy and that I love the US of A and that I really just need to belong.

Anyways, I guess things are ok here in P'cola. Except I'm lonely. And all the Irish music and beer in the world doesn't help much. I still want to belong.

But here's a rundown of what we've been up to:

Day 1

GIS work with the Total Machine. It's a piece of computerized surveying equipment, and using it involves lot's of walking in the sun, lot's of recalibrating, and lot's of holding tree branches out of the way waiting for someone to yell across to you...

... ...

"GOT IT!!"

Then my team got to work on our unit (aka tidy rectangular hole in the ground). This is trowel and shovel work. There was a lot of measurement going on, photo clearing (getting the unit ready for the pics that happen at each level of excavation), and so on.

Day 2

A lot like that but with a very heavy rain which sent us home. I found some stuff, too, in the screening/clearing process. :D

um, wow, so I really neglected you guys

2009-07-25T22:35:00.003-04:00

Here's what's new:

I'm eating only really healthy unprocessed foods all of the time now, and by all the time I mean every 3 hours.

I'm leaving for Pensacola in the morning, looong drive.

I finished IJ last week.

And I'm in love with RJD2 right now, look him up on Pandora if you've got a minute to spare.

if everything goes according to plans...

2009-07-21T14:29:00.002-04:00

I'll be in Pensacola all of next week screening for artifacts and working in the archaeo lab.

Tremendously excited, but I feel like there are a million factors in play and afraid to let myself be sure it will work.

Between then and now, I'll just keep on staying busy... going to the free kiddo movies at Largo 8 tomorrow, still working out like crazy, finishing Infinite Jest (I'm in the last 50 pages or so now), going to see Otello (opera film) on Wednesday night in Tampa, and there are a few other things this week but I can't really focus right now.

2009-07-17T16:54:00.001-04:00

I can write a helluva self promoting email

2009-07-17T14:29:00.005-04:00

Just applied (by email) for an administrative assistant type job which I actually think I would find enjoyable and fulfilling. And it's in Clearwater, too.

And I'm qualified and "come highly recommended!" Oh crap. I hope I spelled "recommended" correctly in the email...

a personal victory, ordinary run of the mill moments of clarity, & a startling IJ revelatory moment

2009-07-16T01:17:00.004-04:00

This morning, I jumped out of bed (ok, what really happened was that I cheerily responded "Hello!" to a text that woke me up instead of the more typical "argh. do I know you?" See why for me that constitutes jumping out of bed?)ready to face my day and head to the beach.

I put on my bathing suit and checked my midrange sideways view in the small mirror of my jewelery box... and... kinda flattish tummy area. I mean, not flat flat. Not like before kids. Not like Matt V's prescribed "rock star lean abs" but people- in the past few weeks alone I have enjoyed cake and milk, several pints of beer and a hot dog, a sushi feast, more beer, ice cream with Reese's peanut butter cups smashed in for good measure, and arepas with cheese. [I also have had countless meals made solely of vegetable matter and have stopped using cream/sugar. I've worked pretty hard, in spite of the stuff I listed above (hitting the gym, riding my bike, and so on), so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, it was just a startling moment.]

In that tiny little mirror, for about an hour, I just didn't look completely pregnant. And then I had an apple for breakfast.

Also- moment of clarity for me: I don't know how to flirt anymore. Uhhh. Ok, now what? Dang.

Thirdly, for the IJ readers out there: I read a DFW quote yesterday re: the use of endnotes vs footnotes. He and his editor needed a way to shorten the original draft of the book so they hit upon the idea of weeding out some information into notes. The editor thought it would be more reader-friendly to use footnotes instead of endnotes but DFW said that the use of endnotes "cutely mimics some of the story’s thematic concerns"...

In case you don't follow, what happens when you flip to the back and then back to your page and then back to the back and then back to your page? What are you reminded of? (Answer is a good tennis rally)

Then I was ruminating on how the whole narrative seems to be a tennis rally of sorts, bouncing balls off of different topics and they keep on coming with a sick speed. And then, like that, I knew what those orbs are in the book, marking various sections... And it was so obvious (not the moon or the sun or simply just a pretty, lightly shaded circle). They are tennis balls, flying through the book. Fwap. fwap. fwap. fwap.

#infsum

2009-07-10T14:57:00.000-04:00

So, 419 pages in and I'm suddenly afraid Wallace won't "deliver the goods". I mean, sure, reading for its own sake should be (and is) enjoyable, but I want to know that if I'm patient, I will be rewarded. I want there to be an ending.

If 'The Entertainment' ends up being like the gleaming contents of a certain cinematic briefcase... if the climax, gasping for breath, grasping a hold of everything it can in the moments before the (o ho!) parting of clouds... if satisfaction never comes...

ANOTHER reason to trust your instincts

2009-07-09T16:24:00.007-04:00

Oh, I am half yearning for the gumption to say what I want to right now, and half happy enough that I have the restraint to hold my tongue. I don't want to burn bridges, ya know. I'll tell this story as a parable, make of it what you will.

I went to the Rays game with my friend (woo! 10-9, Toronto can just GO HOME!). Let's call him Matt. And he was, like, reaaally inebriated.

In the past few months he'd been trying to get me to hang out and I kept putting it off or whatever because I had this sinking feeling that he only wants one thing, even though his whole song and dance is all "Oh my gosh, we have an amazing deep connection, let's get crazy and find the Tao, etc".

And let me just say that I wasn't at all wrong to be suspicious. Sigh. And then I made a comparison between myself and a Tibetan monk, in order to illustrate my level of availability for anything beyond the platonic.

wrestling with myself (just skip this post, it's lame)

2009-07-08T13:20:00.004-04:00

-Working on my class plans and also avoiding finishing them. I'm terrified of rejection because the job isn't officially mine yet (nothing's official till there's a check in hand), but the orientation gave me a really good sense that it IS mine. Tricky rock/hard place kind of paradox here. Feel like I HAVE the job, so I'm less motivated to win it. Fear that I haven't got a chance, so I'm afraid to hear the final verdict.

-Had coffee and a free Rays donut for "breakfast" today because I've been eating so healthily otherwise (minus some carrot cake the other night, but I seriously couldn't say no to that). And the donut produced a nearly instant stomachache! Turns out you can't go healthy and then have a donut in the morning. Cake at night is fine, apparently, but the morning is not?

At least my kids are happy. They're sewing at the kitchen table and got to go to the movie theater for free today (wherein they ate the free donuts mentioned above).

summer essentials for those without televisions

2009-07-05T16:58:00.005-04:00

My bike is looking particularly smug today, with new fenders, grip tape, tubes, and tune up. And a couple of smart looking pannier bags. Helen and I reflected last night on how strange it was that I went from riding 50 miles/week to Not At All. I can only blame my own laziness to have the tune up/repairs made.

Speaking of cycling, Le Tour has started. Did you happen to catch any of the time trials on Saturday? I was at my friend's house so I got to actually see as Cancellara took the yellow jersey for the first stage, and Lance Armstrong's time was pushed back to tenth or so.

I'm t.v.-less here at home but there letour.fr for updates. It's just really a lot more interesting watching live video than reading the live updates.

And did I mention here how I've been meeting my mom for tennis lately? (she's REALLY good by the way, and considering how she's more than twice my age... yeh) And my tennis gear fits in my pannier bags, lol. Who's enjoying all of this Free Unstructured Time?

I don't know if you read those links

2009-07-03T12:50:00.004-04:00

The one's I have posted to the right? Well, one of my friends wrote a post late last night that helped me somewhat today. OK granted I am terribly low today, but it helped by bringing me back from extreme otherworldly dark lowness to a more corporeal ordinary broken-life low which seems like an improvement, except this for some reason hurts more.

For the record, nothing awful is going on in my life, besides being so low- in fact I had a killer day yesterday all around; I had a nice breakfast, played tennis with my mom, went out for tea with her, hung out w/ John in the afternoon, watched a funny movie/drank wine with Helen, and enjoyed a really good homemade soup. I even have a an exciting job prospect on the horizon.

Anyways, B's post about camping/trail riding says that sure there are unexpected miserable parts (forgotten gear, inclement weather, mosquitoes), but they help to create the stories you'll tell your friends later, when you come back. And he says life is like that.

So here's to the uncomfortable, unplanned, undesirable, mosquito bite ridden, miserably low days.

I had a cool idea for a short story

2009-06-30T23:47:00.002-04:00

Two, actually.

And both are a little more.. sci-fi (??) than I ever write. Neh, not sci-fi, I don't know... I mean, just something else?

I enjoy the time-space-perceptionary stuff as much as anyone, but I never in a million years expected that kind of daydream brewing long enough in my head for me to want to actually sit down and make a note about it.

I know I just posted my thoughts on Infinite Jest,,,

2009-06-29T02:45:00.009-04:00

I couldn't decide if that should be followed by "but" or "so".

I know I just posted my thoughts on Infinite Jest, BUT I did a lot more reading and I have some thoughts and questions.

1) I felt funny about the chronology; years are labelled in a strange way (for example, The Year of the Trial Sized Dove Bar) and I wasn't sure WHEN things were happening. It was getting disorienting. I decided to trust Wallace as I had been instructed to, and when I got to endnote #24 it had worked itself out. Because Endnote #24 sort of lays out the (INSANELY LONG) chronology of James Incandenza's film-making history and uses the weird year labels.

2) Endnote #39, part a is freaking hilarious. Ha! "Les Assassins des Fauteuils Rollents, a.k.a. Wheelchair Assassins, pretty much Quebec's most dreaded [...] terrorist cell".

3) The similarities between IJ and The Royal Tenenbaums seems to be coincidental.

I will tell you about other things, too.

1) I'm still mostly eating crazy-healthy. I have re-introduced more variety, but still being pretty restrictive for the sake of getting fit and I think (fingers crossed) I'm making some progress. For fuck's sake, I hope I'm making progress.

2) One of the two hens got out when Conner was putting fresh water inside the coop the other day (or so I hear) and Sugar chased the poor thing for hours. It hid under Harry's house for the night and hasn't laid an egg since the ordeal.

3) Sewing a LOT. A lot of diaper covers. Hey- need any diaper covers??

essentially on track with infsum

2009-06-28T01:31:00.004-04:00

My favorite bits between the first and sixty first pages?

The opinions speech in the college admission interview, the quintessential stoner's shopping list, "happification" - what a RAD word (p 42), howling fantods, maternal and otherwise, the phrase "neuralgic with A.M. dread" which I personally know something of, and the reference to where 90% of people store their kitchen linens.

And that whole bit with the mold is just nuts, heart-wrenchingly nuts.

Here's what I'm wondering, though: does ETA (for Enfield Tennis Academy) read to you as Estimated Time of Arrival in your head when you see the letters ETA??

And do you think David Foster Wallace can be credited with promulgating the endearment 'Moms' as opposed to the conventional 'Mom'??? I do. I have no knowledge of anyone referring to their mother as 'Moms' until fairly recently (its definitely not unusual nowadays), which gives the trend sufficient time to have circulated beyond readers of IJ.

Henny Penny, and her compadre

2009-06-24T23:27:00.002-04:00

Two important things you needed to see:

Hens

& How we do bathtubs in Colorado

So...who else is doing the Infinite Summer? you there, in the back?

2009-06-23T15:26:00.004-04:00

I want so much to discuss the first couple of parts of Infinite Jest w/ someone! Instead, I'll have to satisfy myself with telling you my own personal news:

So, I have a date on Sunday with this guy who's smart, funny, etc and it turns out he also Colombian. Wow, cool, I thought.

Turns out he was in my middle school gifted class w/ Mrs. Silos. Ha! Last night we reminisced: Remember when we had to memorized that poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley?? Remember when we mummified that chicken??? Haha!

Ans speaking of chickens... I secured 2 free range laying hens and a chicken coop for my kids today. For free. Just like that! Someone needed to get rid of them by Thursday.

Sweeeet. I love free stuff, even better when it's delicious free stuff.

Clearwater Beach Challenge

2009-06-21T16:01:00.006-04:00

Jared, Dan, and I went bar-hopping on the beach a bit last night. Woot! two thumbs up for living in a (humid! hot! summer!) paradise.

So, here's the lowdown: I got to check out some of the beach bars I'd never been to before, didn't break any pint glasses, and didn't come down with those damn embarrassing hiccups, but I still fear I am maybe awkward company.

Anyways, it was fun! When it was my turn to buy a round, they gave the pitcher to me for half price and then the keg ran out so they threw in a free pint of a different beer (the bartender has offered to just top off the pitcher with a different... but eww, no). Then a minute later, Jared found eleven bucks on the strip and then Dan wanted a Dunkin Donuts breakfast sandwich, so we got a bag full of free Rays donuts to end the night.

summer reading list

2009-06-19T17:36:00.005-04:00

I've stumbled upon a magical formula for ensuring that we get out of the house early on Tuesday mornings this summer!

If you know me, this is no small feat (I tend to run late and I don't normally enjoy rushing my kids through breakfast and out the door)... We want to be at the free kids movie early enough to ensure a seat, therefore the kids cooperate. And then after the movie, we stop at the used bookstore which is conveniently situated nearly next door to the theater.

It's foolproof and failproof.

The first week I got Artemisia which is a Mannerist art history legal mystery/novel/biography about a female artist. Densely rich, and perfect for wasting long stretches of time while educating yourself.

The 2nd week, I got Julie & Julia, which I later discovered is being made into a movie. I can definitely see why. Funny and fast read.

Now, I don't know what I'll take home on Tuesday, but I'm shooting for a copy of Hamlet. Of course, I've read it before, but it's been a while and I'm on board for the Infinite Summer challenge (thanks, Colin!!) and I ordered my copy of the reputedly Joyce-ian Infinite Jest today on Amazon. The title is a reference to Hamlet and I hear that it's best to have it fresh on the brain when going in to IJ. Which puts me behind schedule because I read the few pages I could today on Amazon, but in order to read all of it (1000+ pages) by summer's end, I've got to average 75 pages per week.

Oh, but the first handful of pages? Charming! Funny! And, considering the opening scene is a college admissions interview, close to home.

stark raving mad, and still writing complete BS but nobody's reading anyways so who g.a.f.??

2009-06-16T23:22:00.005-04:00

So I ate like a loon for 4 days (heh, pun, like it??), subsisting on lemon juice and vegetable broth and stuff like that, and then I had a couple of days where I eased back in grains (whole oats, mmmmmm) and corn.

I had some eggs last night, with spinach and cheese. That concluded the easing back in to normal phase, I think.

Had a *bite* of the kids' whole wheat bagel w/ cream cheese today, too. And some of the homemade blueberry pie I waxed poetically about the other day.

That concludes that shitty part of this blog post. Really.

Now on to the totally inane: I think I am going to flake out on quitting men like I flaked out on fasting and "finding myself". I don't know, it sounds like a good idea, but really... I don't know. This is tougher than I wagered it would be. It's not just quitting men in actuality, to COUNT they have to be completely out of my thoughts as well.

ahem.

2009-06-15T12:56:00.005-04:00

To clarify what I said at the end of my last post: I haven't been seeing anyone. It just seems like it always takes a lot of energy and then when it blows up in my face nothing is as orderly in my life as it should be.

And haven't I dated a string of losers? I mean, I've definitely gone on dates with smart nice guys who actually LIVE LIFE (don't underestimate that qualifying factor), but I end up in relationships with the wrong guys. I've wondered why I seem to seek out trouble? Or why does it seek me out? Either way, it seems like a pattern that needs breaking.

And I have a lot of stuff to take care of anyway. And I have many friends who are contentedly living life single and alone (but not really alone when you have friends!), which to me, since having been married so young has always seemed like a bleak sentence. But I want to be that way now.

the kind of blog post I said I'd never write

2009-06-14T14:48:00.005-04:00

So, I've been absent from my blog. Part of it, I guess is that I've been using twitter, which makes me feel lazzzzy for large-scale blogging.

And I'm in a bit of a funk. This is the very tail end of day 4 (really?) of an all produce diet I'm trying. It's possibly the ease-in-phase for a fast (a la cousin Alicia), but it's possible that I'll just go back to my normal healthy-ish ways and give up the extremity soon.

It's hard to say. I'm having a hard time remembering WHY I started down this path some of the time, and other moments it's fine. No extreme hunger yet. Just some moping over the unnecessarily odoriferous homemade blueberry pie in my fridge that I can't even sniff at lest I devour it, and the containers of fresh baked brownie that are stored behind cabinet doors now, because they mocked me all fucking afternoon. Thanks for bringing those brownies by, Sam.

So instead of my normal fare (lots of protein, whole grains, veggies, supplemented by plenty of junk like bagels, brownies, and chicken wings), I am eating produce. Only produce.

I started off doing just raw stuff but a certain craving hit and I needed hot veggies, so I went ahead and changed the parameters for myself.

And, so far so good. I guess. I mean, I guess the GOAL is to deconstruct reality and rebuild it. I have to unravel in order to reravel, etc etc so I guess going nuts is the desired effect?? I want to "clear my mind" and spend this time NOT eating "figuring myself out". Oh yeah, and resetting my palate.

And I'm not just off meat/diary (and in the next couple of days, all food in general)... I'm off men for a good while too. I think I need to figure a lot of things out.

4-non-blogs

2009-06-10T09:16:00.003-04:00

I told you a little tiny bit about Atlanta (just the first day) and virtually nothing about the Decemberists show. Colorado, my cousin's wedding, and my birthday were completely unmentioned here.

I am just such an in the moment blogger that I'd rather tell you about how I've been awake since 7 am (unheard of for me) and BUSY. I'm listening to Blossom Dearie and Billie Holiday right now, and on a mission to clean house.

Also, we have WHO KNOWS how many watermelon babies on the way. A couple of days ago, there were four. Now it's upwards of 8!

Wednesday & Thursday- Atlanta

My cousin, Alicia, has known me since I was born, but since we're about 7 years apart, she and I didn't spend much time together. Besides, our HUGE family is just like that. There are so many of us and so spread out geographically (some of the time), and so much drama in our parent's generation that a lot of us cousins feel like we are breaking new ground.

Happy I was to learn that Alicia is a bit more high strung than I am (read: gorgeously kept condo, age appropriately trendy wardrobe, perfect figure) but really cool. We chatted music, anthropology, eating clean, and life's curve balls.

On Thursday, I did a whole lot of nothing in the early part of the day, and then in the evening, we went to the High Museum in downtown Atlanta for some local music (Hope for Agoldensummer) and a cappuccino.

Wednesday Night- The Decemberists

Alicia dropped me off in front of The Tabernacle an hour and a half early. I was going to walk around downtown a bit first and head over there when I thought the doors would be opening, but how lucky I headed in! The place was buzzing already.

I grabbed 2 pints and headed for the floor. In no time, I had scooted to the front row, just left of center. I made the acquaintance of a couple of young music ed students from Alabama and a couple of Georgia high school teachers. After a lot of standing in cramped quarters, Blind Pilot started things up. Their front-man is adorable. Consider me smitten. Oh! and he's a Gemini, like me. I'm on a Gemini kick, I think.

After Blind Pilot, I noticed Tabernacle staff bringing big stacks of fluffy clean towels out, in anticipation. It seemed like a good omen.

The whole gang of them looked absolutely grand. Jenny Conley came out first and started into the first track of Hazards of Love, while the rest of them came out. And they played the whole thing (it's a concept album with a plot), in order. Colin impressed me with his lack of attention hogging. So many other lead singers seem to want to dominate front and center, but he only did during his vocal parts, giving way to Shara Worden and Becky Stark during their parts.

And the girls were amazing. Extreme. The whole band brought so much energy to the show. And the crowd was great too.

Following Hazards, they took a break and then came out for a second set... which included a bunch of songs (Shiny, July, July, The Bachelor and the Bride, Engine Driver, Shankill Butchers, 16 Military Wives, Dracula's Daughter, O'Valencia, an insane cover of Crazy On You by Heart, Raincoat, and A Cautionary Song with some crowd-interactive improvisational theater. I mean, they got down on the floor with us and were goofing off. Crowd surfing a bit.

After the show, I waited by the buses for a bit with a small crowd to meet the band. :) Colin is as nice as you'd think. Nicer, maybe? He seemed genuinely surprised when I told him this was the best concert I had ever been to. "Really?" he asked with a smile, "That's great!" :)

Colorado, My Heart

Early on Friday, 4 am to be exact, Alicia and I headed off for the airport. Some cute guy (and about my age) with dark curly hair offered to help me hoist my duffel bag into the overhead compartment and Alicia intercepted, saying "No thanks!! She's got it." And I was going to just be all "Oh, thank you kind sir." I found out later, when we chatted a bit, that he's a CO native.

Denver is actually pretty full of attractive people. We helped my cousin get ready for his wedding (some of my cousins later did some whining about this but what ever!) and got to meet the family of his bride. And, not to mention, we got to socialize with each other. It had been at least a year since I saw some of these relatives, 3 years for the others. Uncle Marty, Danny and Cindy's dad, I hadn't seen since I was 6 or 7 years old.

The mountains and cliffs were unbelievable. The air so light and crisp you actually wanted to run around until you felt lightheaded. It was wintery and just absolutely perfect.

The wedding, utterly romantic. Their chupah was adorable and I hope their home life together is as sweet as this was for years to come. We did plenty of talking, dancing, and drinking (who could forget the antique clawfoot tub in the outdoor reception area filled with ice and bottles of wine??). I stayed up till 5 am with Rick King, Alicia, Dan, and Ave.

Sunday- On My 26th Birthday
I woke up (just a couple of hours later, at 7:30)and realized I had a potential disaster on my hands. My cousin, Irene, had left for the airport in Denver w/o me! There were about 60 people staying up there in the mountains, friends and family, but we all had different departing schedules, so we had tried to organize ourselves accordingly... but there must have been a miscommunication. I'll go ahead and assume the error was mine. Anyways, I was "2 hours" away from the airport according to those who were non-locals. It ended up being a hour and 20 minutes with one of my cousin's friends. He was headed back home to Denver and the timing was just right! Whew.

Back home, I got to hang with my kids and give Cora some birthday presents. I took the kids, my mom, and Helen out for ice cream and just marveled continuously at how much oxygen we have in our lowland air.

Colin and I :D

2009-06-04T16:27:00.003-04:00

So, Atlanta is always this healthy??

2009-06-04T15:55:00.004-04:00

Last night was the Decemberists show at the tabernacle, and I will write a whole post for that when I get a chance, but I just wanted to say that I am kind of reeling.

I tend to consider myself a pretty healthy person (except when I get in a writer's funk and start binging on alcohol, coffee, and barracuda) but seriously:

Breakfast today was an apple.

For lunch, I sauteed 2 eggs w/ bok choy, a small handful of mushrooms, and red pepper flakes. Served with whole wheat flatbread.

Snack- some raw oats.

I love whole food, why don't I grocery shop like this for my house? The night before I left for Atlanta I had 2 burritos, some donuts, and a few glasses of wine for "dinner".

trying to head this off at the pass

2009-06-01T13:04:00.008-04:00

I really want to be more zen, and instead I am stressing and lame.

Maybe it's post-wedding blues? Maybe it's from drinking a lot?

I cried at the ceremony when (the insanely gorgeous) Simon Tetelbaum started things off with the kindest words ever spoken. I cried when Mr. Gus spoke up and said that he and and his wife "give this woman away".

I shed a tear when John and Laurie danced their first dance, and then later on, I cried when I accidentally texted Tom my ex, when I had intended to text Helen. That was actually really really not good. I was fairly drunk by then, being who knows how many glasses in to John's rad punch and a few glasses of champagne and white wine as well. But it was mostly happy crying.

This is the level of merriment we are talking about: There was blood on the dancefloor at one point (before anyone had dropped a champagne glass), and we were just like "everyone ok?? alright, party on!".

By 3 am there were tuxedo shirts and dresses strewn here and there all over the deck. Folks hit the hot tub, pool, and The Gulf of Mexico armed with nothing but full bottles and gallon size zip-lock baggies of leftover gourmet hors d'oeuvres.

Laurie (bride), James Wight (friend from the groom's side), and I closed the party out around 5 am on Sunday morning. We were talking art and philosophy until we finally fell asleep in the living room (minus Laurie, lol) of this incredible beach house... however I was awoken twice between then and 8 am.

The second time it actually involved me. I just had to go move my car a few feet so someone could get out. That should be really simple (right??), and grabbed my keys, and dashed out barefooted, and still in my sexy floor length black dress.

NOTE: I left the gate of the beach house ajar so that I could get back in and go back to sleep as soon as I was done. Sleep deprived, yes. Stupid, no.

And then, while I was in my car, someone else came out and slammed the gate shut. Seriously. I thought about climbing over the (sharp metal) gate, except I was in the gown and had no underwear on (long story,but not what you think). So I had to go on a long walk to find a condo building that had a beach access gate unlocked. At 8 am. In a black floorlength gown.

Back to the couch. I wanted to sleep but then it was just a lost cause.

We found one person in a house of 20 occupants who had 4 Advil (worth their weight in GOLD) and went out for a stylish post wedding breakfast. All the while, I had on my bravest face, but inside I was slowly melting down.

Now, a whole day out (is that all?? geez) and I am marginally better.

I have to go pack, though. I'm leaving, on a jet plane, for another damn wedding.

The Invincibility of You

2009-05-29T17:14:00.002-04:00

The entire lineup of stories on Studio360.com this week (all previously aired) seemed to be hitting on a common theme: the juxtaposition of the weaknesses and flexible strengths of humanity.

Studio 360's interview with Thao Nguyen takes the traditional indie-artist interview to a different place. Instead of the cheaply predictable discussion of favorite records and touring mishaps with a nice smattering of catchy clips from her newest album, Jesse Dukes gets serious with Thao at an Arlington, VA, laundromat, of all places, and interviews her mom, Nan, too. They talk about how Thao's dad walked out on his family, about how Thao sees similar non-committal tendencies in herself, and about the hard times that followed the divorce as Nan spent all of her savings on a laundromat which she still successfully operates today. The story seems to not be so much about a new album at all at a certain point, but about fragility and resilience, and I can't help but see every person I know in it.

The piece on modern photography, specifically On The Beach, by Robert Misrach, creates the same effect as the interview with Thao. People going to the beach is such an ordinary thing, especially here in FL. During the months after 9-11 Misrach was going through a period of profound artistic depression and had subsequently gone to Hawaii where he was re-inspired. Peering from his hotel window, he unexpectedly saw something precious, vulnerable, and frightened in the everyday beach goers during this period of time and he got right to work, documenting it.

Scenes that would have before seemed ordinary had a darker quality, for example a couple embracing out in the water appeared to be clinging to each other for dear life. People splayed this way and that on beach towels appear to me like lifeless bodies obscenely tossed across the landscape. The gigantic semi-aerial photographs are the vacation souvenirs of our collective American anxiety in the early 2000's.

How funny that this makes me think hopeful thoughts for us as a whole; that there is someone out there able to make money on human vincibility means our economy can't be THAT broken afterall. Maybe we are in pain, but we'll live to see another day yet.

Scripps National Spelling Bee

2009-05-29T15:41:00.003-04:00

We're still watching it, in bits and pieces. There are all these interruptions like having to sleep and eat, geez. ;)

Anyways, I'm eagerly anticipating being able to watch the last couple of hours of the Bee, however I don't know when that will be. I'm going to go pick up Conn in Pinellas Park now, then zip back over here to get ready for a BBQ at the Bohler household.

Tonight, we're celebrating the eve of the ever-elegant-Laurie's wedding. Then back home with my kids to put them to bed. Tomorrow, I'm babysitting Avery and taking my kids to a little birthday party and then back home to get ready for the beach wedding.

My dress is an absolute masterpiece while still being casual enough to get more use out of it... but I still need to do my nails and so on. I'd like to squeeze in more time at the gym, too, but there are only so many hours in the day! :(

groan. I hate being mean.

2009-05-27T22:20:00.005-04:00

It's after ten pm and my freakin kids are still upstairs talking to each other and giggling. There was a lot of discussion about who got which pillow, too. I had to get all cranky and say enough is enough. But they are still talking.

And in the morning I have to force them up and pry their little asses out of bed.
I am so tired of this. GOOD F---ING NIGHT ALREADY.

[Addendum, I also hate when people can't handle homonyms. Seriously, and it's more annoying when it comes from prospective employers and people who have been to college. Which, if I am correct, is where they teach you things. If I have to read "I hope to here from you soon" or "Their is an opening now!" again, I'm going to lose my cool, and WE DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN]

je pense, tu penses, il, pense...

2009-05-27T00:37:00.006-04:00

One of the best reasons to have a roommate is having someone to practice foreign languages with. Helen, thankfully has studied as many of years of French as I have, and has the same sort of interest that I do in recapturing and retaining it.

We've been busy bees here, playing with Rosetta Stone (thanks a million, Lloyd!), watching French movies, reading en francais, listening to tapes, etc.

Here's what I think works, and what doesn't.

5+ years of study YES, WORKS but if 6 or 7 years go by without practice, you lose a lot.

Rosetta Stone Program Yes, helpful. IF you already have the background, I think this is a fun way to refresh your vocabulary. Without the background, good luck. Conjugations are barely covered, if at all!

French In Action video series YES run to the nearest library. Radically good for verbs, adjectives, and nouns.

This week we also watched Jean de Florette and Manon des Sources, two classics.

The book I've been reading is a collection of short stories by various classic French writers, and it's sort of hit or miss. While I liked L'Etranger well enough 9 years ago, now Camus leaves me wanting... something. His plots are not just sparse but invisible. I just finished L'Hote (The Guest), and while I get it, I just don't get it.

Still working on The Atheist's Mass by Balzac. Slow going, that Balzac.

Anyways, it's almost my birthday month. Why did that seem funner before I typed it?

my pigeon, my little lamb

2009-05-25T01:30:00.004-04:00

Cora, with her painting that was chosen for an art show, May 2009.

Conner turns four, May 2009.

fun-> laughter-> slight embarrassment?

2009-05-24T11:04:00.004-04:00

-anthro lectures on youtube

-pitchers of Sierra Nevada in Dunedin

-sitting outside en plein air because it actually STOPPED RAINING for a sec

-wii sports! I'm not so good, but I play to win.

-a terribly embarrassing case of hiccups

-going home so late it's early

so went out with that anthro-guy the other night...

2009-05-22T21:55:00.004-04:00

Maybe I was too generous when I described him as "wonderful" and "considerate"... I was poignantly reminded why, years ago, I had nicknamed him " _____ the Asshole".

I picked him up at his parents' house in the burg and we proceeded towards the tavern.

Literal "banter" from the first five minutes of the date...

me: so... you know how to drive manual transmission?

him: of course I do. I have a cock (gestures); I can do anything.

And, later on.

him: awww.... should we get you a map so you can find first?? [first gear]

him [during our vicious scrabble match at the bar]: you are making this game completely worthless!

me: you are SO much less annoying with your clothes off!

He started to open up and not be such a jerk when we were approaching his parents' house again. We were actually talking and sitting in the car and then I said maybe we should drive around the block, since we were getting along for a bit.

We went to Crescent Lake for a little while, and then I took him back home, before I'd feel compelled to strangle him again. He kissed me good bye and told me to not 'be such a stranger', and said that I'm still welcome to stay with him this summer, when I'm in Pensacola.

Ha, right.

the one where I discuss (complain about?) dating and sex and objectification and everything personal

2009-05-21T14:40:00.012-04:00

Woohoo! It seems that I'm wholly OUT of break up/rebound territory. Not bothered much by the ole BC any more these days. Except yesterday, when I drove past a black Jeep Cherokee and I think the driver and I made eye contact. And the driver had a square shaped head, nice lips, and black nerdy glasses. I almost threw up, but thank goodness I had to shift into 3rd and didn't have time to get all dramatic.

Anyways.
Helen and I recently noticed that single-ness becomes me. I am happy and healthy. I seem to think that I like relationships better, but when I'm actually WITH someone, I turn into a wreck; self denial, weeping when I fear it's OVER, manic happy episodes when things are good. With someone, I tend to drink too much, miss too much work, and ignore my other friends. It's awful, really.

But dating is a miserable pain in the ass. Let me tell you. I've not really jumped back into that pool yet, just texting with a few people, wetting my feet, so to speak. And you know, I wouldn't even bother, except that I really do want to believe in the whole "falling in love" thing. And if you want a dating relationship to go well, I've learned you must take it a little slower than you'd like and postpone sex until you've defined the relationship. Both of those things are NOT things I'd prefer to do (I'm terribly impulsive), that's just what I've discovered through all my, uh, research.

And I declared late last Dec, after B and I broke it off for good, that I was done done DONE with casual sex (because of the health risk, not because of the psychological implications). And then I was in a monogamous relationship again (which made me miserable) for a while, and now single and wishing I'd not said I was done with casual sex, because if I'm also not getting into a relationship, that's pretty much the same thing as saying I'm done with sex altogether. See? This is a moebius strip conundrum all the way! Argh.

Now, I want to add that my anthropologist friend (who I "have some history with") is in town, petitioning for a bit of my time, and casual is the agenda. It's not very well hidden. Actually, it's completely blatant. There never was much pretense with him. And the kinds of things he says in text are so crazy and outrageous, part of me wants to slap him. But he can back it up, let me tell you. And my brain likes the banter, anyways.

But wait, didn't I say I was DONE with all of that?

So my questions are:

are men who pursue women for sex instead of relationships OBJECTIFYING them?

is objectification actually wrong if it's consensual?

is it any more forgivable if the man is wonderful, brilliant, and considerate?

is it any better considering that I've always happily enough walked away from the affairs in the past?

what if it turns out I can't fall in love without it being a disaster, anyways?

If I can't have what you have... a hand to hold, a compadre, a partner in crime, a yang to my yin... can't I at least have the hot (knocking over lamps and chairs and tall piles of books) sex?

I fixed the crazy guy link

2009-05-19T22:46:00.000-04:00

...crazy guy on a bike

Eat My Shorts was a summer camp show, right?

2009-05-19T10:25:00.003-04:00

Picking out summer camps for the kids is not as easy as it seems- there are so many to choose from!

Cora's school is a location for SPC's 'College for Kids' camp. Core knows one of the offerings is Math Camp and she told me last night she DEF doesn't want to do that one, because she likes "science... you know, learning about things that happened a long time ago, and how people lived in the old days?" LOL. History then. (Apples don't fall far from the tree do they?)

Conner's school (which I LOVE, even though it's a church school) has a summer camp too, but it's pretty costly and not very long hours (I think pick up is at noon, and I need to get a job). The benefit is that I know the quality of the care there. He's mostly into making paper airplanes these days, and comes home with about half a dozen each and every day.

The rec center, however, is even closer to our house than their schools are, and it might be cheaper too. Conner isn't in Kinder yet, so he can't go to 'College for Kids' but he might be able to go to the rec center camp.

I'd like them to go to the same place, if possible...

I stand in awe of this man (and his project)

2009-05-18T16:03:00.005-04:00

At SPC, I had a really really great boss.

(So great, I'd rather answer a phone by chirping "Mr. Hemme's office, how can I help you?" than any other way.)

And not only did he manage the (surprisingly tumultuous) Math and Science Departments with calm fairness and a steady hand, he carried a dream inside of him like a tiny lit coal.

Ok, maybe that seems like too much fluff, but we are talking about a middle aged man with a wife, house, career, bills, cars, a son in college, "responsibilities", and all the other trappings of life in the USA. And he IS LIVING HIS DREAM: TO RIDE HIS BICYCLE ACROSS THE NATION. Yes, instead of watching cable.

And I hear so many people muse about what they would do if only...

I think I have my faculties back (& FYI neurotoxins suck and I am officially too old for this kind of thing)

2009-05-15T18:30:00.007-04:00

It's been a week since the neurotoxins entered my body and I'm getting back to normality. The paralysis in my right hand is a lot better, so that I can do everything (well, nearly everything) that I'm accustomed to.

During the first few days I experienced imbalance while walking, temperature regulation issues, weakness, and dehydration, but mental fogginess was the most annoying symptom of the ciguatera. I had this vague sense of deep loss and it was really depressing (depression, another supposed symptom). Having discussions with my friends, typing/using the internet, dressing myself, cooking/housework, and just any kind of making sense at all were all REALLY difficult for a few days. But we've all pitched in concerted efforts to make sure I will regain whatever part of my brain was destroyed.

Since the poisoning, I've taught myself to drive my new manual transmission car, have been going to the beach, reading a lot, exercising, and playing scrabble almost daily. If this is rehabilitation, I think I like it.

But this whole thing is sort of ironic and sad. I, of all people, champion the deliciousness of all the little creatures of the sea. I am a huge sushi fan (yes, the raw kind). Eel, squid, octopus, mussels, and conch all sound like dinner to me, every day of the week. And now I am supposed to abstain from seafood (as well as caffeine, nuts, and alcohol) for a few months, to ensure that I don't have a resurgence of cigua-terror.

But you know what I think? A life without seafood (or coffee, nuts, and liquor) is a life hardly worth living.

Mester Morel shan't have gone to hell

2009-05-14T09:17:00.004-04:00

Oh no... hell might be too tidy an end.

Instead, he should have paid for his (fictional) transgressions by first being fed aquatic neurotoxins that would leave him retching and grasping for sanity, and then he should have to lay down in the FUMC's wasp-y morning car circle for luxury car after luxury car to use as a speed bump.

Ok, maybe that's too violent. Well then, the lovely wives who wear diamonds in the morning, blonde and beautiful, tan and incredibly fit, could look down in disdain and he would be in HELL.

ANYWAYS, can you tell I'm reading Sons and Lovers (D.H. Lawrence)??? This book has been in my collection for so long, it has both my name and James' name in the front cover. And if you have to ask who James is and why his name is in the front cover of my book, well, then you haven't known me more than a decade.

I sometimes wonder if I did the wrong thing by breaking up with him. I think he would have been true to me, I think he would have stood by me when I wasn't blonde enough, or Protestant enough, and so on, but I would have been relegated to raising my children out of the back of our green and white VW bus.

Wow, I feel so old and frumpy and PLAIN all of a sudden.

Do I need to put on my diamond earrings and go to the gym or something?

ok, I owe you a few details

2009-05-11T23:48:00.007-04:00

So, Death Cab was great, and the Hard Rock is like the State Theater vectorized to twice the size. Sound was good, the light show was beautiful, etc.

The opening act, Matt Costa was great, too.

I got right up front. Which is good because with only my cell phone camera, the pics would have been a total disaster from any farther away. I was all smiles, relieved to not run into the most recent ex, thrilled with their set list, although it included the overly-obvious encore piece, I Will Follow You Into The Dark (which I love, but I don't want to know it's coming, I want to be surprised...), and although there wasn't much comedic banter between the band and the audience.

Hopefully the Decemberists show will be more banterful.

now I've got 5 speeds of fun to play with

2009-05-11T17:12:00.004-04:00

whenever I feel well enough...

I was poisoned by a barracuda

2009-05-10T11:47:00.002-04:00

I'll tell you about it later. Totally 120% exhausted from the ordeal and my stupid right hand is numb numb numb.

the official colors of victory: range road perrywinkle and herculean green

2009-05-06T19:12:00.007-04:00

Last night was pretty monumental. I had my trig exam, and I knew I'd gotten an A on it. I did my biology final. I passed my (completely lame) Computer Competency test.

After the exam, I trembled and spoke quickly, caffeinated out of my mind. Helen picked me up and we went to band practice, where I had a little bit of a freak out in my head. I couldn't help but feel the swell and break of the waves.

Adrenaline coursed through me, as I thought about all of those nights that were spent pouring over my books. The cramps I've gotten in my hands and neck, from note-taking or working on papers. I have cried under pressure, begged for drugs to help me get through it, and shook with relief each time a semester ended.

And last night, the sky and the leaves against it seemed to be as jubilant as I.

Maybe this is a miracle... even all the rough patches, the dropped courses, and the occasional bad grades... I am not only graduating, but WITH HONORS. The shock is still with me.

ways the SAT has changed in the past 7-8 years

2009-05-02T22:26:00.002-04:00

- There is now an essay portion, graded by humans, that kicks the whole morning off.

- They actually ask a lot less demographic-type questions in the packet you fill out at the beginning of the test, as well.

- The math sections do seem a little harder, but thankfully my skills are better than they were In The Year 2000.

- The reading portions, easier in general, and easier for me, too.

"It's like, what is this? The Love Connection at 5:30 with Travis Short?"

2009-05-02T17:05:00.002-04:00

Many funny things were said during study time today. That one (above) has got to take the cake, and I wish it'd been me that came up with that quip.

See, there are these two people in the front row, directly in front of me and to the left a bit, that have this nutty chemistry. They're always, like, poking each other with pencils and someone today said he's picked her up before to crack her back (???) and they just have this... vibe. It's hilarious, really, except they are both seeing other people, somewhat lackadaisically. I pretty much put money down that they get it together at the midnight hour, and go out after our final Tuesday night. Unlike Madonna in that movie where she's on a deserted island with her one true love?

I don't know, I've never seen that movie. I'm just talking.

I did, however, watch I'll Never Be Your Woman and Knocked Up over the past few days (due to cutie Paul Rudd being in them both).

no, THIS feels like falling

2009-04-30T19:22:00.003-04:00

I am barely verbally coherent. Bare with me. Bear with me.

Around 3 o clock, an allergic reaction of some sort popped up while I was at work. I ran upstairs and rummaged through a medicine cabinet for a bit, popped a couple of Benadryls and went back to sorting papers.

Then in Trig class tonight, Mr Short;s voice got really loud and the room wavered ever so slightly. My stomach roiled. My blood pumped furiously (couldn't everyone hear it??).

I had a few panic attacks (not out o the ordinary, but unexpected since I do feel really at home in there) while he was discussing our tests from Tuesday night. I did get #32 wrong (didn't carry a negative sign while multiplying something) but he curved us 3 points so I still got a 100% on the test... and a couple of p attacks. Go figure.

Anyways, sick to my stomach and wondering when this crazy feeling will stop. I want some hot food but can't be trusted to cook right now. I clearly need pizza.

and it felt like falling

2009-04-29T16:47:00.004-04:00

I walk into Trig and am greeted by HotTrigGuy standing and throwing his hands up in the air and saying "SuperStar's here!" and since I'm sometimes bad with compliments (esp when I want to neatly fade into the background) and brush it off with a "Ah, whatever.." and a smile.

I get settled in and help the student next to me who speaks predominantly Spanish, and then I try to study, but my cheeks are still hot from the loud compliment.

Travis puts the exams at the front of the room and a line of students form there, each turning in homework and picking up a test, like lambs to slaughter.

The time passes as I fidget, I scribble, I erase, feverishly working. HotTrigGuy waits for me after class so we can compare notes on the test, as we've become accustomed to doing. I say aloud that it was the hardest test yet, but that I think I did well.

weighing the literal costs

2009-04-28T12:04:00.003-04:00

So, I've got a couple of flowcharts made so far, and potential budgets for every outcome.

The situation is as such:

-Waiting, agonizingly, to find out about the internship. If I get it, clearly I'm taking it. It pays and will help me to afford WHATEVER I end up doing over the fall (in Pensacola or Tampa).

-Due dates for fieldschool applications are around the same time; May 1st for the Yukon and May 4th for Tanana Basin, Alaska. Yukon cost is $1,470 and Tanana Basin is about $960, unless I've done the math incorrectly. But I MUCH prefer the Yukon dig; it incorporates many cultural ant. projects, while Tanana is more strictly Archaeologically oriented, and we will be working side by side with local tribal groups, and even attending a potlatch to honor the recently deceased son of the one of the leaders.

Because field school costs money, instead of paying me for my time, it leaves me less able to afford a potential move. My coffers will be nearly emptied. And since I'll be away I won't be working here, but I'll still have to pay my rent, unless I "move out" of my apartment and figure something out when I get home. Then I'll just have to rent a storage facility.

Moving to Pensacola to go to school in the fall IS within my budget right now, if I don't spend a ton of money over the summer, but there will be court costs to consider, because Harry's not willing to even negotiate with a mediator.

Once I've figured out what IS and ISN'T even plausible, I can make a pot of tea and sit down to meditate on my options. I'm considering calling in a professional, as well, for some advice.

fortune cookies

2009-04-27T14:11:00.003-04:00

Hullo, just sitting here at work but I wanted to share this with you. I just got the most appropos fortune in my cookie:

"It's not the plan that is important, it's the planning"

That's EXACTLY right on for today. My fb status is all "serious choices, blah blah" today, too.

Oh, and the other side of my fortune told me how to say 'watermelon' in chinese and I WAS LITERALLY EATING WATERMELON right then. I wish I was eating chinese food, but hey. Poor planning, I guess?

the feminists lied to me

2009-04-26T15:26:00.004-04:00

There's been a recent surge of affirmative action in family courts leading to fathers being given custody and support more frequently, but at the same time, traditional values are still holding sway (at least here, in this culture) which relegate mothers to packing lunches, folding underwear, and other intellectually stimulating endeavors instead of furthering their own careers.

I am feeling really irate because the last 4 years of my life were spent doing both- toiling over my books and exams and enriching my children's lives while living on a meager income. All the while, trying to get good enough grades. I've made it to the end of the road.

I'm graduating. And there is no celebration, only deep blackness.

To be hire-able in my field, I'll need my MA. I don't intend to work in FL, so getting my MA here in field ANT makes about as much sense as trying to get a job with Bear Stearns. As a concession to my family's needs, I'm pursuing finishing my BA here in FL, but apparently that's not enough.

I have to choose between doing this AT ALL or NOT AT ALL. And I'm not very happy about that. Harry's calling all the shots right now, and I think he kind of loves that all my work has been for naught.

Should I even bother, or should I just give in to what he wants?
Should I just pack up and leave?
Should I just get a job in a restaurant and have nothing for the rest of my life?

I'd have my kids, sort of. I mean, isn't that how our culture defines a woman, as a mother?

I could win THAT challenge

2009-04-25T14:32:00.003-04:00

Is there or is there not some kind of chickpea eating contest out there? I really think I'd have a shot. Oh, not quantity, sorry; I mean constancy. I could probably eat them everyday for, I don't know, 2 months? forever?

Anyways, that has nothing to do with this but I am watching a movie that Drew left with me a year and a half ago. Remember that guy, Drew, that I dated? He was the friend of one of Cassie's friends. He said, "Oh, watch this (The 40 Year Old Virgin), it's really funny!" and I couldn't bear to, for all this time.

But it took watching 'I Love You, Man' (with Jason Segal and Paul Rudd) last night to make me google Paul Rudd (because he looks JUST LIKE my future colleague, Krebs) to see what else he'd been in. And apparently he's in this movie that's been sitting on my bookshelf for almost 2 years.

And that has very little to do with this, except it's hilarious, too.

experimental cookie update

2009-04-24T18:24:00.006-04:00

Little pats of butter, and Conner peeking over the edge of the table...

Food processor, which just blended chickpeas and a few tablespoons of cream.

Oatmeal cookies!

So, Harry arrived just as these were coming out of the oven. He likes healthy food, and even bakes birthday cakes for the kids with low amounts of sugar. We figured he was a good candidate to taste test these.

We asked him to identify the "secret ingredient" and he identified the oatmeal and bananas right away, guessed coconut next!

Thanks for the tip, Amy!!

the great cookie experiment

2009-04-24T16:07:00.001-04:00

I am about to make cookies, and my non-recipe is non-traditional. Wish us luck.

an email from Dr. Worth

2009-04-23T01:39:00.005-04:00

So, the field school in Pensacola is not going to work out for me this year. It's been a bit of a blow to me, and a reminder that when you have a timetable, you damn well better stick to it! [in the fall, I knew I could graduate and go on to university to get to work on my upper level anthro courses if I got an A or a B in my math class, but instead I didn't do well enough in Dr. Geiger's trig class and had to stay at SPC for the spring, to finish up. Therefore, I didn't get my upper level pre-req's done before the summer semester.]

Field school there was my plan B anyhow, but I liked having a solid plan B. Plan A is really more of a pipe dream. When I first brought it up, I asked my friend, John Krebs III, if he believed in praying. And then a moment later, if he would say a prayer for me. His answer was yes, but that he advocates expecting the worst, so you can be pleasantly surprised when you are wrong, but I'm having a hard time with that.

But, I've applied to UWF and they genuinely sound like they want me, but it's not official yet. I applied to FSU, too, but I'm cranky with them for a few reasons, and might not really consider going there if accepted, even though 3 weeks ago, I really did want to.

Instead, I've been house hunting in P'cola, via craigslist. And I can really see in my mind's eye my things packed up and in the back of a small U haul truck. I can see my new home (away from home??), my residence for this new phase of life that is unfurling like young leaves. I see a brick house with a bay window and a backyard. I think I'll buy a used piano, since we've grown used to having one around. How apt, to be finding a way for new beginnings when springtime is hitting us full force here.

I won't be settling in until right before the fall semester starts, though. And it will be a bittersweet move, since the kids will stay here for the first semester I'm away. But I shouldn't get ahead of myself; I still have the uncertainties of summer to deal with.

and because comfort reading tends to be done with a snack in tow...

2009-04-20T14:47:00.004-04:00

I'm also re-committing myself to getting back to the gym and in better shape.

Not that I've gained a ton of weight or anything, maybe just a few pounds in the past month or so, but I feel like improving my cardiovascular health has been on the back burner. And I don't see the same muscular definition that i saw a few months ago. I guess this means no more afternoon chocolate bars? No more late night snacks when I'm already full? No more carb laden breakfasts?

comfort reading??

2009-04-20T12:59:00.003-04:00

What do you do when things in your life are shaky or times loom with uncertainty?

I get back to reading. When life is beribboned and gay, it's easy to let the books sit silently, but certain situations (ie; breakups) call for comfort reading.

Starting in the middle of last week, I picked up The Long Winter, a Little House book that I'd first read when I was still in elementary school. I read it in 24 hours. Then, a day or so later, I moved on to Little Town on the Prairie, the next book in the series.

You guessed it, since then, I have read from there through the next two books (the last two in the series) as well.

I've been reading These Happy Golden Years to Cora, strangely enough she wanted to read that one next, skipping Plum Creek and everything that happens before the spring after the long winter... Oh well, I've just been explaining as we go what the heck everyone's talking about. Like when she asked me "Mom, Mary's BLIND??" and "She went to college??".

Ok, so for the sake of not talking to myself- what is your comfort read of choice?

the berry-eaters

2009-04-19T20:50:00.005-04:00

Dover, FL, was a success today. Mission accomplished. I'm tired, dirty, and daydreaming of how in touch with my humanity I would feel living on a farm!

In case you've never been "you-pick" berry picking, the story is that organic farmers hire field hands when their season starts. Those choice berries go to markets all over the place and then they open for "you-pick" when the general public can come in and get berries dirt cheap.

It's not easy work, since it's so hot and sunny and many of the remaining berries are small, buggy, dry, or still under ripe. But amid all of the duds are more good ones! Anthropologically, this is fascinating to me. The kids and I wandered the field and let ourselves be drawn to the right spots. My method is to let my vision blur a little as I walk and when RED and SHINY catches my eye, I drift over and focus a bit.

The sun heats the berries, which burst sweetly between your teeth. Gnats and small black ants are our cousins in the field, searching from row to row. The biggest ones seem to hide in the center of the plant, but the most flavorful ones are the ones that extend from the plant and are roasting in the afternoon light.

The berries continue to ripen throughout the season, so if I was to go next weekend, there'd be a whole new set of berries to pick. But, as it is, I have my work cut out for me... it's time to make my ruby-red preserves.

the highlights

2009-04-18T10:52:00.004-04:00

4/18 Cora's school carnival
4/19 berry picking/preserves

4/20 dept meetings/Chinese food at work
4/21 school/work/school- asking out the cute guy in my trig class
4/22 I guess I should take my computer competency test this day
4/23 coffee/drinks and then the theater broadcast of This American Life- Live!
4/24 farmers market with Amy, leave for camping trip

4/25 camping
4/26 etc

4/27 work, yawn
4/28 " "
4/29 " "
4/30 final exam for World Religions
5/1 early to bed/early to rise FIND OUT RESULTS OF THE INTERNSHIP APPLICATION

5/2 SAT TEST DAY!!!!
5/3

5/4
5/5 Trig final exam
5/6
5/7 Death Cab For Cutie at the Hardrock!!!
5/8 brunch at Conner's school, final grades are due, maybe my last day of work?

5/9 get my car in my possession finally
5/10

bouyancy, troughs, and crests

2009-04-18T10:26:00.004-04:00

Did I tell you that I think the worst has passed? [NEVER MIND- I just looked at his facebook page and he's now "single" (lol, what, by default? since he never faced up to the break up??!!!!!!) and I hadn't realized that this would cut me to the quick... why doesn't he just go and delete me as a friend? why don't I?]

Which doesn't mean that there won't be low points. For example, last night I sat on the front steps and earnestly wished for a black wool pea coat, 4 sizes too big, being laid across my shoulders.

But Thursday was so phenomenal I started to think that just maybe I really would be moving on (and truly better off for it) when rolling waves of pity for him hit my shores.

Pity, because his problems are not the kind you can sort out in one introspective week. Because he will move on and find himself with someone else (someone better than me?) and he will ruin it again, because his problems are so huge and he hasn't the motivation to better himself. It's sad, really.

And every little daydream glimpse I've had of moving on partners me with someone who is actively living and pursuing betterment. I feel ashamed that my happy vision for myself doesn't revolve around self reliance and singleness, I think that would be stoic and wonderful of me, though.

So, onto other news:

I moved one batch of watermelon seedlings into a big pot, where I might try to keep them, to see if they will bear fruit there. The two small pots of Mesclun sprouts are being split today, each small pot of veritably overgrown. The cilantro and spearmint haven't shown yet.

The kids and I are going to Cora's school for a PTA carnival (today) and strawberry picking (probably tomorrow). Then time for making preserves!!!! Wooo!

this needs addressing today also...

2009-04-15T18:11:00.004-04:00

So, I was over at Liberty Belle's blog and reading about how she feels about the "fat cats" that are getting away with millions and million of dollars since our whole economic situation started smoking and making awful grinding noises.

As you know it's April 15th, and it's the last day to file your taxes. So patriots across the nation took it upon themselves to use today for Tea Party protests. I love it!

But I don't believe in not paying taxes- I just get all riled up at the idea of taxation without representation. Maybe we expect this to mean something different than it did 200 years ago, but our point is a good one.

I don't like the bailouts. Some people have lost their life savings and others (who made grave mistakes) walk away richer than ever.

People who took out loans they couldn't realistically afford are being helped, and those who live withing their means will continue to scrape by, on the sweat of their efforts. I wager those who made bad choices aren't learning much from this, except that CRIME PAYS?

However, I have some beef with Liberty Belle's crowd.

1) Obama did not create these problems. I see a lot of folks blaming the dude, and waxing poetic about their beloved Republican party, but seriously. Come on.

2) Our endearing ex-Pres spent the next generations tax dollars on a ridiculous war. Thanks a heap. At least the stimulus package is intended to fix our own problems, which is what we should have been focused on all along.

2009-04-15T12:28:00.001-04:00

Much effort has gone into keeping me busy this past weekend, and it was phenomenally divertive.

Thursday night, Helen convinced me to go to the New Gasoline Alley for Sam's show. It was pretty cool and the theme, retro-night, applied to the pricing scheme.

Saturday night was Chad's birthday "party" at cousin Sean's house. Turned out to be much less of an event than I had anticipated, however Helen, Mike, and Lloyd showed up which made it funner for me. Then I went home (drunk) to make some pancakes and play a late night game of Scrabble with Justin, Helen, and Sam. That was unexpected and great.

Sunday, Justin and I struck out for Busch Gardens which was insane. I couldn't speak all day on Monday. And half of Tuesday. :) Because of screaming on scary rides and talking in line for scary rides. Seriously, I don't know if you can comprehend these roller coasters. Oh, and the comparatively benign river rapids ride got me with it's waterfall. Soaked to the bone!

The kids and I stayed busy here on Monday night but they were so well behaved it surprised me, and last night Amy and Charles came over. Red wine, herbed brie, crackers, and a lot of adult conversation, wooo!

Thanks, friends!

of course, it WOULD rain cats and dogs on hobo-Tuesday

2009-04-14T08:43:00.007-04:00

On Tuesdays, I usually feel compelled to stay on campus, because getting home and getting back there again more often than not makes me late for my evening class, and I usually only get a half hour at home for all that effort anyway.

One important part of hobo-Tuesday is the sleeping in a public place, since I invariably am subsisting on about 3 hours and it isn't fun. I prefer napping under an oak on the grassy lawn in the center of the campus, but I'll settle for the upstairs lobby of the Math & Science building, I guess. But maybe I should edit hobo-Tuesday so that it revolves around pies stolen off window sills or flasks of gin?? I think I am onto something here.

Anyways, I know all this rain is good for us; we've had some serious drought-age here in Pinellas County. Tampa has OUTLAWED watering yards unless you have reclaimed water. We've been importing water for our municipalities, home to over a million people. Which is ironic, because everywhere you look is water.

Our garden plants will be delighted, I know.

It's 3:34 am and I thought you might need a Decemberists fix, too

2009-04-14T03:34:00.002-04:00

Delightfully ridiculous, and no, I'm not drunk. Ha ha ha.

guilt and confoundedness

2009-04-13T11:33:00.004-04:00

My weekend was kept spectacularly festive, busy, and spry (more on that tomorrow) thanks to the diligent efforts of those who love and support me, but I'm still processing the, er, break up.

So. I heard from someone that Billy said I had acted "psycho" when I went to his house (to break up with him). Really? I mean, we were exclusive for a couple of months and I needed to know we were both on the same page about the break up. I tried to contact him by phone, and I'm sorry but I am above texting a break up message.

Still haven't heard anything from him like "thanks for my cds", or "yeah, we should break up" or anything (why do I expect to?). I deleted his number from my phone, but not all of the messages lurking within.

And he's still on my facebook page. That one is kind of upsetting me. He just made his facebook page, right before the good weekend we had, which was immediately before he disappeared. He hasn't deleted me as a friend, and I haven't done it either.

And do you know why I haven't? Because I really don't want to NEVER talk to him again. But he wants to never speak to me, apparently, because I'm awful for wanting closure. So why hasn't he deleted me as a friend?

This breaks my f-ing heart. I know he's got major problems (too many to list), and I'm pretty sure I'm better off this way, but I still think he's unlike anybody else. To which Helen pointed out: EVERYONE'S unique.

I'm listening to Engine Driver, by the Decemberists and the chorus, which was taken as a contractual agreement between us one afternoon reminds me that there is no other way. ...and if you don't love me, let me go. Unfortunately, this is where the title's guilt comes in; I love him (and his faults) and I let go anyways. Because I had to assume that what he wanted, and I ran out of the saintliness needed to continue in patience.

And I'm still at the stage where I'm going over it all, again and again. I have a hundred questions that will never be asked and never have answers. There's nothing to do but walk away.

And maybe get one of these?

I wish I knew what to tell you

2009-04-10T21:10:00.005-04:00

My beach day was great, but my errand in that part of town had another purpose that I kept to myself...

I was going to go and make the End official.

And ending it is something I really don't want, which makes my decision feel silly, but I can't live like this ("this" being sleepless, with my stomach in knots, pulse racing, and generally distraught) either.

I don't know if you remember, but several months ago I said boldly that, from then on out, I whould avoid dating someone I really like, because that's more troublesome. If you only get involved with people you don't really care about, worst case scenario, you're TRULY better off without them.

Anyways, there was no closure. I arrived, I knocked, there was no answer, so I put 2 of his cds on the doorstep and crossed the street to sun and swim and have a wonderful afternoon. A couple of hours later, I returned, knocked, and again there was no answer. Which, basically, was my answer. I think?

I really have no idea. Part of me thinks he's depressed, wants to be alone, etc and this has nothing to do with me. The other part of me thinks he doesn't like me and that this is his lazy-man way of handling a break up.

bona fide day off work

2009-04-10T11:51:00.002-04:00

My plans are all things a car-less person can do... but I intend to have a really great day off. No way am I staying in and folding laundry or doing homework or something.

No, I am going to the beach in a bit. I've got spf 70 for the back tattoo, however the rest of me could use a little sun glow. Really, this is the sort of day when I KNOW how lucky I am to live here. At the drop of a hat I can go sink myself in white sand (and shells) with a book in hand and hopefully a jack and ginger tucked in my tote bag, and while away the day.

Other things on the agenda; take bike to bike shop (not looking forward to this errand, but last chance to do this before Monday), hopefully go to the gym (they also have normal hours today, woo), and then maybe I will get to that laundry folding and homework after all, since tomorrow I'll be headed to a cookout/birthday party for my cousin in law. Chad Greene- all these years you've been at all our keg parties and birthday parties and what not, partying with the best of 'em, but cheers to you! Happy 21st!!

at least I'm feeling brainy

2009-04-08T11:32:00.006-04:00

The weeks are slipping away and graduation is nearly upon us. I have another Trig exam tomorrow night, and I'm actually really looking forward to it :)

Kind of like how training myself for taking the SATs again is turning into a game. God, I love competition, even when it's just with myself. Although, I did score a healthy 255 points in a Scrabble match against a (very) smart person last night.

But seriously, I am trying to get a perfect score on the SAT. I know, maybe that's asking a lot, but I did really well before, and I know THAT much more now ten years later. I just have to re-stretch my brain muscles and jump in.

Oh, and speaking of needing validation (I know we weren't but hey)... I'm driving Brian's truck for practice tomorrow afternoon, which is awesomely rad, but I think I need to be careful about this. There was a reason (I'm SURE of it) that I said I would never speak to him again, never see him again, and then as a final compromise, never ever hang out alone with him.

it's no wonder I was suspicious

2009-04-07T02:03:00.006-04:00

... my wave was cresting.

Financially, nothing has changed, I'm still going to be ok. In fact, I have enough money to pursue an archaeology field school now, and I really didn't think that would even be an option this summer (because field school is expensive! and I have bills here to pay while I'm gone! and there's airfare to consider!). And so, because of that, I DIDN'T APPLY to any. I applied to paid internships instead. And I have to wait until May to find out if I've gotten in or not, by which point I should already have tickets purchased and all the necessary travel visas acquired if I am going elsewhere.

Several deadlines have passed me by, but there are still a few I'm checking out.

-I called Dr. Kimball about the Mongolian one that I had my little heart set on, but they are all going over their field notes this summer instead of digging.

-Because I messed up the carefully planned academic symphony I had arranged, I don't have a credit for ANT 3031, which means UWF is out, and possible the Yukon field school as well, unless they give me special permission. I am definitely going to ask for it.

But then the conflict is Danny's wedding in Colorado... June 6th. I'm not flying out the Alaska for a couple of days, flying to CO, then back to Alaska a few days later. And I'm not going to just show up to field school 4 days late. NO WAY.

And I'm not missing Danny's wedding. NO WAY.

On top of all of that, Harry called me today to tell me he's applied for a job with U.S. Customs/Border Security in the Virgin Islands. To which I replied something cheerful and optimistic... and then he told me that if he gets it I HAVE TO MOVE THERE?? IF I want to maintain a relationship with the kids? Um, no. I didn't ask HIM to move to P'cola or Tally. I applied. IF I get in, then I have choices to make. My kids belong with me 50% of the time (and the rest of the time, I'll drive several hours to see them), but I think this might end up being more complicated than I expected. The Virgin Islands, really?

This was all followed by some lovely insults.

Oh, and I'm paranoid (yes, again) and thinking that my bf is going to break up with me via never calling me again. Yes, I realize you want to gouge out my eyes when I act like this. I'm SORRY.

2009-04-06T12:20:00.005-04:00

Regardless of what I SHOULD be doing right now, I'm reflecting on the big stuff today.

Here's why:

My days have been thematically arranged lately. This could give me the impression that there is something "running the show" and trying to make me notice things.

For example, the other day everything was IN MY SPACE. I'm not kidding, in every way possible, this was the overall theme of the day. I mean, a bug flew into my nose. A tree ant was caught in my dress while I was at work. And Paul WOULD NOT STOP hounding me to go out (alone) with him, even though I've said we could hang out "just as friends".

Yesterday's theme was certainly "mini-emergencies" around the house and in our world.
Nothing extreme, but I did have to put on my thinking cap and go problem solving, which is a wonderful thing to do.

The other thing I was thinking about is love, and if it is always this awful painful experience. On days like today, I feel really inexperienced (in spite of two engagements, one marriage, and a few betrayals). I have no clue what things should feel like.

I look back and remember lots of pain with all the love, but part of me wants to think that if there is any negative component it's "a bad idea". I want to ban pain in conjunction with love.

And needs, I want to ban needing. Part of me is aching because there are things I need to say and I don't know how. It's true, intimacy is a gradual process, and better not rushed, so I've held off from anything too... attached? Which leaves me wondering if I've made an error.

as a weight is lifted from my shoulders

2009-04-04T14:54:00.005-04:00

The feeling that all outcomes are equal is a little foreign to me. I usually tend to be overly attached to everything, but more often it's situations and beliefs that I have a hard time recalibrating, rather than dealing with material attachments.

As a child, my mom (an Aquarius) wanted to impress upon me the value in not getting one's hopes too high, because of the risk of vast disappoint. The lesson never really stuck; I always go into things headlong and sometimes excessively (and all the while claiming to be a moderate!), and then I try and console myself when it all tumbles by saying that it just can't be avoided.

But when things really are going well, how do you take that? Cautiously? Or do you revel in it, soak it all up?

And things are good right now. Just good, good, good.

It is a miracle, but economically, I've seen my balances and I know I can handle all of these school expenses (paying for a few tests, applications, and my grad fees), I can handle our upcoming move (whether in town or out of town, is yet to be seen, but there is a move coming either way), I can even handle NOT getting the internship (plus stipend), if that's how it all plays out. I'd rather get it than not, but I'll BE OK either way.

Seriously, though, I'd like input on how you feel when life is (suspiciously) great... do you take that as an indicator of being on the right path? or do you think everything seemingly lined up can be just a fluke?